We all feel like this sometimes....right?

My life is filling up with wonderful, frightening things.

I feel like God has certain things he needs me to learn, and learn fast, before becoming a parent and splitting my focus.

I feel like I must be the most spiritual, the most organized, the most worthy, the most loving, and the most determined I've ever been in my whole life.

I'm going to be awesome, but I'm terrified.


I've never liked hard work.



There is a war within me. A war between growth and comfort, rightness and ease.

Succeeding is so important to me, but I want it to be easy.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.


Perhaps it is a blessing I have no child as of yet. I've never been a good multi-tasker.


Hello life. Please don't hurt me!



Now is the time.


Now.

Now.

Now.

Waiting

I have a warm place.

Dark


Quiet



Safe




and Empty.



Waiting just for you.




___________________________________________________

Warning: The following discusses two medical conditions (though neither very graphically).



I had that thought during Sacrament meeting yesterday, "I have a warm place." It was a bittersweet feeling. This week I had what is termed a 'Chemical Pregnancy.' That's when you have a miscarriage at less than five weeks along. I took my test on Monday, when I was maybe six. The positive reading was a surprise (because of the bleeding) but I didn't really get the chance to be excited. By the end of work, I guessed I would miscarry. The cramps were so strong.

I would feel fine in the mornings, and then horrible in the evenings. Finally, on Wednesday, I started having large clots (the shedding lining). Once they were passed, I felt normal again. I'm okay now, but I still have to take it easy. On Thursday I was bending over (picking stuff up) and it caused me some pain. I think that's probably passed now, but I'm still feeling a bit sick. However, I think that's my digestion issues. Something's going on there, but I'm not sure what. It's like my entire tract (from the stomach down) is sensitive. I feel fine till I eat, and then it hurts all the way down. It's worse if it's sugary, greasy food, but it hurts no matter what.

Emotionally, I'm okay. That first night (last Monday) I was calm till I talked to my mom. I could hear the sincere pity in her voice. It made me feel a little doomed. Then I asked Chris to give me a blessing. In the prayer beforehand, I asked the Lord for guidance, and for truth. After the blessing, I told Chris I should have been more specific about the kind of truth I wanted! I wanted to know if I needed to go to the hospital, He told me I needed to have faith and be joyful. I wanted to know the future of this baby, He told me that my children love me, and will come to me at the appointed time. By the end, I realized that things could go either way, and, somehow, that was less comforting than before.

I couldn't deal with it, so we watched Wives and Daughters. I was better after that, struggling to have faith, to not feel sorry for myself. It was an up and down day.

Still, yesterday, Father's Day, I had that moment, I wrote my Haiku, and it must have given me a little eternal perspective, because during the closing Hymn, O My Father, I felt kind of homesick. I love music because it teaches you emotions. I really felt along with Eliza R. Snow this time. I missed Him too.

O my Father, thou that dwellest

In the high and glorious place,

When shall I regain thy presence

And again behold thy face?

...

For a wise and glorious purpose (!!)

Thou hast placed me here on earth

And withheld the recollection

Of my former friends and birth;

...

I had learned to call thee Father,

Thru thy Spirit from on high,

But, until the key of knowledge

Was restored, I knew not why.

In the heav’ns are parents single?

No, the thought makes reason stare!

Truth is reason; truth eternal

Tells me I’ve a mother there.

When I leave this frail existence,

When I lay this mortal by,

Father, Mother, may I meet you

In your royal courts on high?

Then, at length, when I’ve completed

All you sent me forth to do,

With your mutual approbation

Let me come and dwell with you.

It's like I told Chris later that day. That's it! That's the reason. We come to this earth to be parents, to create life!

This time is a time of creation. Whatever we make of ourselves, what relationships we make, pieces of art, what children we make, what spaces, what times, what happiness. That's what it's about.


And that's what I want to do.


Father, help me not to be idle while I wait.

Perspective

People I Know who are Pregnant:

My Visiting Teacher
My Cousin Victoria
My Cousin Ellen
My Other Mary
Her Sister-in-Law
My Best Friend
Her Cousin
A Friend that I don't know if I'm allow to tell people about yet....
A Friend from High School that I haven't Seen for a While
A Girl My Husband Used to Like
(Some I forgot/didn't know about) Tonya, Chiemi, Kim....I'll think of more later, I'm sure. THEY ARE EVERYWHERE.


People I Know who Desperately Want to Have a Baby, but Can't, so are Trying to Adopt:

My Friend from College and his Wife



People I Know who are Silly, Impatient, and Getting Ahead of Themselves:

me



*Please take a moment to review my friend's adoption profile, maybe even post it on your blog. The sooner the word is out, the sooner their dreams will come true.

Confessions of a Bruised Mind

I slept in today.

What is it about a bed that makes one feel safe?

Sleep is safe, but

Closed eyes? Alone in a bed?

What's so safe about that?


And yet

I prolong it.


The alarm keeps going

And I

Keep hitting snooze.


Finally, a different phone sound

Curiosity, my saving virtue

Who has texted me?


So I am distracted and, before I know it

Officially awake.

Check something off my list.


Pills, fiber, those are easy,

No thought required.


And then I head back to bed.


Because there is another thing that happens near that location

But I'm trying not to think about it.


See, the thing is,

It's really hard to pretend when you pray.

And

If I let my guard down

I'll start crying.


I'd probably feel better

But I'd also be caught

Once again

In the never-ending cycle


It's easier to get distracted

To get caught up in the magic of words

And turn fear into poetry

Cause a poem can't hurt


Except

My eyes are full

Choosing the Right

Sometimes it's a comfort
to know you were right
all along
but sometimes
it'd be nice
if you were right right now
cause that would mean
you were
wrong last time

It isn't fun to doubt yourself
but sometimes it gives you hope
in things that cannot be
that you've already decided against
because it makes sense
to be against
that which makes sense
somehow

And logic votes both for and against
but instinct and God are conspiring
against loneliness
to keep you safe
from yourself
by yourself

and you yourself know
what you will do
because you make the same choice
every time
but you have to arrive
from a new place
with new tools
in a new mind
remembering right
again

Coward Pt. II

So you take a chance.

You bite the bullet.

You try to be noble, to be responsible. You take one for the team, for the world.

Who are you to waste your life being happy?

So you steel yourself for adulthood and make yourself sick in the process. You want to die. You can’t eat because there’s no room in your stomach. Your body is as unwilling to let go as your mind.

You can’t relax.

You can’t let go of the worry, the fear.

It would be easier with a partner, either professionally or socially. A teammate to share the responsibility of your life with.

You’re good at making decisions, but you don’t like having the last say. It’s easier with someone more sure, someone to refer to.

You don’t like stopping the buck.

You don’t like holding the destinies of other people’s children in your hands.

Somehow, you know it will be different with your own children, you’ll definitely have a partner then. And they come one at a time. And you love them more than yourself even before they are born. You love them now.

But you don’t have them now.

So you have to do something else.

Because you feel guilty just waiting around.

So you take a chance.

But you still can’t relax.

Coward

Do you know what it is to walk through life knowing that mediocre for you is still better than what most people can produce? So you never rise to your full potential because you don’t need to.

It’s only a half victory to be praised for what you know is really just a pathetic attempt, a last-minute, scrapped together, half-hearted effort.

Even though you know it is good, it’ll never be as good as you knew it could be. Any accomplishment is over-shadowed by what it should have been, by what you know you are capable of.

Is it wrong to be used to seeming amazing to most others? To be apathetic about your own impressiveness? You don’t like caring what most people think about you, it protects you from their negativity, but it also makes their praise seem less valuable.

But you still go on knowing your potential and value....you just never seem to do anything about it. And you wonder if you’ll ever really do something amazing, truly amazing. You have suspicion of your own greatness, but you don’t know if you’ll ever realize it. You slog along in the ditches of humanity, feeling alone in the concourses of people you love. You’re happy, but never really content.

You could break free, you could go climb a mountain, or start a rebellion, but it would be a lot of work, and it would take far too long.

You don’t need glory, but it would be nice to feel alive with purpose instead of potential. You don’t need accomplishment, but if you’ve never truly felt it, can you really know?

And then you realize that you are a coward. You are afraid of working too hard, of feeling too much. You are disdainful of human realities, but by refusing to partake, you deny yourself and all mankind the blessed prospect of your creations.

Whatever they might be.

Poem: Ready for More

Ready for More


I looked around at all the games

The shallow minds and youthful glances

They boggled my mind with their crazy choices

It didn't make any sense at all

And I said, I think I'm ready…

I am ready

For something better

Something bigger than this

I looked around at all the boys

A few actually worth a second look

This cheered me up and threw me down

And made me feel like a normal kid

And I thought, maybe I'm ready…

I am ready

For something better

Something bigger like this

I looked around at my old friend

I saw him with new eyes that day

He taught me joy that couldn't last

It somehow is better that way

I guess I wasn't ready…

I am ready

For something better

Something bigger than me

I looked around and saw my mom

I couldn't tell her what was in my heart

I wondered how, I could out grow

The woman who created me

So I think I must be ready…

Ready

I am ready

For something better

Something bigger than that

Waste no more time

Being comfortable

I am ready

Ready for more…

I am ready

I hope I'm ready…