We all feel like this sometimes....right?

My life is filling up with wonderful, frightening things.

I feel like God has certain things he needs me to learn, and learn fast, before becoming a parent and splitting my focus.

I feel like I must be the most spiritual, the most organized, the most worthy, the most loving, and the most determined I've ever been in my whole life.

I'm going to be awesome, but I'm terrified.


I've never liked hard work.



There is a war within me. A war between growth and comfort, rightness and ease.

Succeeding is so important to me, but I want it to be easy.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.


Perhaps it is a blessing I have no child as of yet. I've never been a good multi-tasker.


Hello life. Please don't hurt me!



Now is the time.


Now.

Now.

Now.

Such Words

It is interesting to be named for a woman so associated with motherhood. I have always felt such a kinship with her. A woman of pure virtue, a woman of beauty, I always dreamed of playing her on stage, singing songs about her, or being discovered by an artist, certain that I am the very vision of her, and must be the model for his painting.

I also dreamed of and gloried in coming motherhood, from childhood even. I have always been, profoundly, a future mother.

As I grew older, I knew this to be my chosen path, more important than any career. College was for growth, and development of talents and interests, and to a lesser degree preparation for a possible income.

Surely I would have many children. Why bother waiting? All I needed was the right man, someone I could share every bit of myself with and one who desired children in the way I did. What a glorious future!


(This pause is for laughing/eye-rolling etc.)


Now, my hopes are so solid in comparison to my girlish dreams. They are more specific, more based in reality. I watch friends planning on having a few children giving birth right and left.

We, the little family with grand plans, wait, wait, wait.

Somehow Barren Tree is more a companion, than tiny seedling.

And Mary…Mary!

My hero, my guide.

For the first time in my life, her story gives me pain.

The beautiful, transforming words, “Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favour with God. And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb…,” prick my heart.

Please, Lord, let such words be for me.

Waiting

I have a warm place.

Dark


Quiet



Safe




and Empty.



Waiting just for you.




___________________________________________________

Warning: The following discusses two medical conditions (though neither very graphically).



I had that thought during Sacrament meeting yesterday, "I have a warm place." It was a bittersweet feeling. This week I had what is termed a 'Chemical Pregnancy.' That's when you have a miscarriage at less than five weeks along. I took my test on Monday, when I was maybe six. The positive reading was a surprise (because of the bleeding) but I didn't really get the chance to be excited. By the end of work, I guessed I would miscarry. The cramps were so strong.

I would feel fine in the mornings, and then horrible in the evenings. Finally, on Wednesday, I started having large clots (the shedding lining). Once they were passed, I felt normal again. I'm okay now, but I still have to take it easy. On Thursday I was bending over (picking stuff up) and it caused me some pain. I think that's probably passed now, but I'm still feeling a bit sick. However, I think that's my digestion issues. Something's going on there, but I'm not sure what. It's like my entire tract (from the stomach down) is sensitive. I feel fine till I eat, and then it hurts all the way down. It's worse if it's sugary, greasy food, but it hurts no matter what.

Emotionally, I'm okay. That first night (last Monday) I was calm till I talked to my mom. I could hear the sincere pity in her voice. It made me feel a little doomed. Then I asked Chris to give me a blessing. In the prayer beforehand, I asked the Lord for guidance, and for truth. After the blessing, I told Chris I should have been more specific about the kind of truth I wanted! I wanted to know if I needed to go to the hospital, He told me I needed to have faith and be joyful. I wanted to know the future of this baby, He told me that my children love me, and will come to me at the appointed time. By the end, I realized that things could go either way, and, somehow, that was less comforting than before.

I couldn't deal with it, so we watched Wives and Daughters. I was better after that, struggling to have faith, to not feel sorry for myself. It was an up and down day.

Still, yesterday, Father's Day, I had that moment, I wrote my Haiku, and it must have given me a little eternal perspective, because during the closing Hymn, O My Father, I felt kind of homesick. I love music because it teaches you emotions. I really felt along with Eliza R. Snow this time. I missed Him too.

O my Father, thou that dwellest

In the high and glorious place,

When shall I regain thy presence

And again behold thy face?

...

For a wise and glorious purpose (!!)

Thou hast placed me here on earth

And withheld the recollection

Of my former friends and birth;

...

I had learned to call thee Father,

Thru thy Spirit from on high,

But, until the key of knowledge

Was restored, I knew not why.

In the heav’ns are parents single?

No, the thought makes reason stare!

Truth is reason; truth eternal

Tells me I’ve a mother there.

When I leave this frail existence,

When I lay this mortal by,

Father, Mother, may I meet you

In your royal courts on high?

Then, at length, when I’ve completed

All you sent me forth to do,

With your mutual approbation

Let me come and dwell with you.

It's like I told Chris later that day. That's it! That's the reason. We come to this earth to be parents, to create life!

This time is a time of creation. Whatever we make of ourselves, what relationships we make, pieces of art, what children we make, what spaces, what times, what happiness. That's what it's about.


And that's what I want to do.


Father, help me not to be idle while I wait.