23 November, 2007

Why do I always write when I am unhappy?

It seems to me that when my life shatters around me (even in a small way), I pick up the pieces, arrange them in a pleasing fashion, and then send them out into the oblivion of the internet. This somehow both makes me feel better as well as feel heard....which is funny, cause I only know of one person who regularly reads this blog.

And I don't do it for her, though I like it when she reads. Mostly, I find myself hoping that those who read it are time wasters I do not know, who, when they do (or sometimes do not) have a few minutes, give in to that siren above labeled "Next Blog."

It's like a roulette wheel isn't it? You never know what could happen. Sure you get stuff in Japanese, or someone trying to sell you performance enhancing drugs, but sometimes you find small gems, miracles even.

Maybe I'm addicted because I hit the jack-pot my first time? See the link on the side? To the Librarian's site? She's awesome! Because of her, I will have recommended titles to last my whole life!

So I guess I like to pretend that other people play roulette too, and that they find my blog. In my head, they read everything, enjoy it, think I'm unique (that's very important in many of my fantasies) etc.

I guess this is the essence of what appeals to me about blogging. It's a safe way to share my near-deepest secrets/fledgling artistic impulses with some people I know and, somehow, everyone I don't know.

Beyond that, it gives my writing purpose. It can feel fruitless otherwise.

So why am I writing tonight? Because I had an emotional crisis this week? I did actually, but I didn't write about it, I told my boyfriend instead.

I think I'm writing, slightly, because I miss it, partially, because I was inspired by the author of Awkward Things, and, mostly, because my boyfriend is in Utah and I have nothing to do on a three-day weekend!

How pathetic that sounds.

But still, it is annoying to have your love/therapist/chief source of entertainment fly away when you're on holiday.

.....I guess what I'm saying is, I'd like to apologize to you, my invisible, yet assuredly intelligent, friends for not posting much lately. Everything that has happened to me lately has been either excruciating and therefore artistic energy sapping (very few things), or peaceful and wonderful (most things).

So guess what World Wide Web? I'm in love.

....Not that anyone's paying attention.