What do you think?

I've wondered lately about my life, and my calling responsibilities in particular.

I've fretted and worried about my abilities, or lack thereof, specifically organization, and decision making....things that do not come naturally to me, but I know are important.


So that must be why I was called to this position?


To learn these important lessons, to "make weak things strong unto [me]".

But sometimes I wonder, if perhaps that's why we have councilors and secretaries, to even out the load, to fill in for each others' lack. Perhaps this is a way for weak things to become strong.


So that must be why I was called to this position?


To share important burdens, to jointly fill essential needs.

But also I ponder (and apparently others do too), that perhaps I already have within me, all that is required. That my abilities, my strengths: calmness, love, innovation, knowledge, and teaching are perhaps the most important things that can be given to those I serve.


And that is why I was chosen for this position?


To fret less about what is hard and unnatural for me, and instead to invest my time, "Improv[ing] the Shining Moments". Taking what is best about me, and giving it all my effort.




I don't know. Perhaps all three?


What do you think?

We all feel like this sometimes....right?

My life is filling up with wonderful, frightening things.

I feel like God has certain things he needs me to learn, and learn fast, before becoming a parent and splitting my focus.

I feel like I must be the most spiritual, the most organized, the most worthy, the most loving, and the most determined I've ever been in my whole life.

I'm going to be awesome, but I'm terrified.


I've never liked hard work.



There is a war within me. A war between growth and comfort, rightness and ease.

Succeeding is so important to me, but I want it to be easy.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.


Perhaps it is a blessing I have no child as of yet. I've never been a good multi-tasker.


Hello life. Please don't hurt me!



Now is the time.


Now.

Now.

Now.

Such Words

It is interesting to be named for a woman so associated with motherhood. I have always felt such a kinship with her. A woman of pure virtue, a woman of beauty, I always dreamed of playing her on stage, singing songs about her, or being discovered by an artist, certain that I am the very vision of her, and must be the model for his painting.

I also dreamed of and gloried in coming motherhood, from childhood even. I have always been, profoundly, a future mother.

As I grew older, I knew this to be my chosen path, more important than any career. College was for growth, and development of talents and interests, and to a lesser degree preparation for a possible income.

Surely I would have many children. Why bother waiting? All I needed was the right man, someone I could share every bit of myself with and one who desired children in the way I did. What a glorious future!


(This pause is for laughing/eye-rolling etc.)


Now, my hopes are so solid in comparison to my girlish dreams. They are more specific, more based in reality. I watch friends planning on having a few children giving birth right and left.

We, the little family with grand plans, wait, wait, wait.

Somehow Barren Tree is more a companion, than tiny seedling.

And Mary…Mary!

My hero, my guide.

For the first time in my life, her story gives me pain.

The beautiful, transforming words, “Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favour with God. And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb…,” prick my heart.

Please, Lord, let such words be for me.

Waiting

I have a warm place.

Dark


Quiet



Safe




and Empty.



Waiting just for you.




___________________________________________________

Warning: The following discusses two medical conditions (though neither very graphically).



I had that thought during Sacrament meeting yesterday, "I have a warm place." It was a bittersweet feeling. This week I had what is termed a 'Chemical Pregnancy.' That's when you have a miscarriage at less than five weeks along. I took my test on Monday, when I was maybe six. The positive reading was a surprise (because of the bleeding) but I didn't really get the chance to be excited. By the end of work, I guessed I would miscarry. The cramps were so strong.

I would feel fine in the mornings, and then horrible in the evenings. Finally, on Wednesday, I started having large clots (the shedding lining). Once they were passed, I felt normal again. I'm okay now, but I still have to take it easy. On Thursday I was bending over (picking stuff up) and it caused me some pain. I think that's probably passed now, but I'm still feeling a bit sick. However, I think that's my digestion issues. Something's going on there, but I'm not sure what. It's like my entire tract (from the stomach down) is sensitive. I feel fine till I eat, and then it hurts all the way down. It's worse if it's sugary, greasy food, but it hurts no matter what.

Emotionally, I'm okay. That first night (last Monday) I was calm till I talked to my mom. I could hear the sincere pity in her voice. It made me feel a little doomed. Then I asked Chris to give me a blessing. In the prayer beforehand, I asked the Lord for guidance, and for truth. After the blessing, I told Chris I should have been more specific about the kind of truth I wanted! I wanted to know if I needed to go to the hospital, He told me I needed to have faith and be joyful. I wanted to know the future of this baby, He told me that my children love me, and will come to me at the appointed time. By the end, I realized that things could go either way, and, somehow, that was less comforting than before.

I couldn't deal with it, so we watched Wives and Daughters. I was better after that, struggling to have faith, to not feel sorry for myself. It was an up and down day.

Still, yesterday, Father's Day, I had that moment, I wrote my Haiku, and it must have given me a little eternal perspective, because during the closing Hymn, O My Father, I felt kind of homesick. I love music because it teaches you emotions. I really felt along with Eliza R. Snow this time. I missed Him too.

O my Father, thou that dwellest

In the high and glorious place,

When shall I regain thy presence

And again behold thy face?

...

For a wise and glorious purpose (!!)

Thou hast placed me here on earth

And withheld the recollection

Of my former friends and birth;

...

I had learned to call thee Father,

Thru thy Spirit from on high,

But, until the key of knowledge

Was restored, I knew not why.

In the heav’ns are parents single?

No, the thought makes reason stare!

Truth is reason; truth eternal

Tells me I’ve a mother there.

When I leave this frail existence,

When I lay this mortal by,

Father, Mother, may I meet you

In your royal courts on high?

Then, at length, when I’ve completed

All you sent me forth to do,

With your mutual approbation

Let me come and dwell with you.

It's like I told Chris later that day. That's it! That's the reason. We come to this earth to be parents, to create life!

This time is a time of creation. Whatever we make of ourselves, what relationships we make, pieces of art, what children we make, what spaces, what times, what happiness. That's what it's about.


And that's what I want to do.


Father, help me not to be idle while I wait.

Scrapblog.com, My New Favorite Thing

Thanks to Kellie, I was able to figure out how to beautify my blog! The Background is from thecutestblogontheblock.com and my banner is a template from scrapblog.com.

Scrapblog is so fun! I have unleashed my inner collage artist, and after taking my header almost completely as is (I only changed the text and pictures) I was ready to do one from scratch.


Here is the result. I am rather proud of it. It took FOREVER, but I am really happy with the way it looks (all the images are from their site, but I placed them, layered them, and chose the opacity, size, etc.). If you can't see it very well, the larger version is here.

Is it the Spirit....or is it just gas?

Inspired by the ever faithful Liz and Nicole, my hilarious/intelligent cousin, and my new Token Asian Friend, I have decided to be a more faithful blogger (we'll see what happens).

So here it is:

Attention: This is a slightly LDS-centric post because, well, I'm LDS. If you are confused by anything you read here, check out mormon.org, or wikipedia

Is it the Spirit....or is it Just Gas?

It was only a mild surprise on Sunday, to see the bishop of our ward beckoning to me during Sunday School. Hadn't I joked with Chiemi two days before about replacing her as Primary 1st councilor (we decided that I was needed as chorister too much)? So I followed him to his office, sat down, and exchanged the usual pleasantries. "Sister Puppé," the bishop asked, "did your husband tell you I called him to be the ward mission leader today?" What? Not only was I getting Chiemi's calling, Chris was getting her husband's!

Hilarious, right?

He then continued, "And I'd like to call you to be the ward Primary President."

....

....um

....Of course I accepted. I know the call was from the Lord. But there was still that little....wait, you mean me? feeling.

Funnily enough, the thought had crossed my mind that morning. My mind's response? "Yeah right, that'll never happen *mind-snort."

Everyone struggles with every calling, no matter how involved it is, I know I have, and everyone has different fears when it comes to each one.

Mine??

Teach under-twelve-year-olds the gospel?--No Problem
Come up with ideas to acheive this?--Piece of Cake
Learn an entire program backwards and forwards?--Bring it on

(Wait, did I just steal all of those lines from Cuzco? So much for creativity.)

But there are Three things that scare me about this calling. I'm talking literally PETRIFY.

1) I have to be Organized (okay, I can do this when it really matters, it's just so darn hard!)
2) I have to be in charge of the Money (right, I can also do this, it just doesn't come naturally)
3) I have to make Decisions (here's where the petrification part comes in)

Okay, now let me explain. I am a pretty self-assured, intelligent person. I admire and respect myself, and my abilities. But when it comes to big decisions, or receiving Revelation I get pretty intimidated.

I mean, it took me a year and a half to decide to marry my husband!

Still, I knew I'd be okay once I chose my councilors (and replaced myself as chorister), but I had to hurry. You see, I was called and set apart the same day so that the new Stake Directories would be up to date.

Chiemi is still doing sharing time, thank goodness, but the rest of the former presidency will be out of town!


Okay, on to the dilemma of my post!

How do you know if what you're feeling is the spirit or something else? (emotion, wishful thinking, gas....) Here I am agonizing over names, wishing for a voice or that over-powering, perfectly right feeling , or something. Okay, I didn't really expect a voice, but the feeling? Where's the impression, the thought, the peace?

I don't mean to complain, but I've been so frustrated. So of course, instead of having faith/hope/patience or any of those other necessary qualities, I start hammering on myself. (What's wrong with me? Why does this scare me so much? Where's the Spirit?) and all those other stupid things we say to ourselves instead of doing the faith/hope/patience thing.

So by last night, I'd worked myself into a frenzy. Earlier in the afternoon, I'd pretty much decided on my councilors, but then I began to doubt. It was so subtle, what if I misunderstood? Surely I'd feel more strong, more sure. Round and round, and over and over, spinning, searching, praying, crying, self-rebuking, and still feeling lost. Upon reaching the heaving, sobbing-into-husband's-chest stage, the logical portion of my brain broke free and said, "Wait! This isn't normal! This feels like crazy hormones." Ah, yes, my old enemies. They ignore me throughout my teen years and then pounce unexpectedly at 22. Good old hormones.

(Now you're probably thinking maybe I'm just imbalanced, imature, or some other im....but if I notice a pattern to these crazy times, who are you to tell me otherwise.)

At this point, I realized further thought/worry on the subject would be the opposite of productive, so I put it aside, requested a blessing from my husband, and went to sleep. (Consequentally, I have a renewed appreciation for the power of the priesthood, and the incredible strength and worthiness of priesthood holders)

So today, determined to do things right, I start from scratch, feeling almost nothing, but in general a few little hints.

Guess what? Same two names.
Guess what else? I'm starting to have some doubts....

To my fellow Latter-Day Saints: He may be ignorant, but he's got a few points....

Okay, my fellow Latter-Day Saints:

This Blog:

http://www.helium.com/tm/179056/since-utahs-government-overwhelmingly

Was posted in response to the question: "Can a Mormon get elected President of the U.S."


The author makes many ridiculous, ill-informed statements. It is probable that most of the Mormon doctrine he knows has been given to him third-hand. He makes generalizations that really apply only to HIS experiences, or his "friends."

So why am I concerned? Because, there is NO WAY that ALL of these things are lies/misunderstandings. This man has faced ignorance and PREJUDICE from his Mormon neighbors.

It stinks. But it happens. We never said we were perfect, we just said our doctrine is.

When was the last time you were the only LDS person in a room full of people? How did you feel? What if it was like that all the time? When was the last time you were with someone who was the only person who was NOT LDS in the room? This is rare for some.

Do you remember? Was it difficult? Were you polite? I'm sure you were, but you can still be polite and IGNORANT. Did you use LDS Lingo that left them confused? Did you speak about "The Church" as if it is the only one in existence?

Yes we believe we have the fullness of the Gospel, but do we discount all other religions and the good they teach/do?

Do we remember that other people were not raised like us, that they have different backgrounds, and should not be held accountable to OUR notions?

Is it a sin for someone to drink a glass of wine when they have never been taught not to? Is it our job to make sure they feel uncomfortable doing so, just because we don't agree? (If you have a lasting relationship with such a person, say they're in your family, they should know your feelings on the subject, after all, if they care about you, they don't want to make YOU uncomfortable. A relationship is a two-way street)

We are supposed to view people as who they are, not the choices they make.


So is the author of the blog above wrong for thinking Mitt Romney would make a poor president, merely because he is Mormon? YES.

So is it ALSO wrong for Latter-Day Saints to vote FOR Romney, merely because he is Mormon? YES.

I haven't decided who I will be voting for in upcoming elections. As a political Moderate, it is rather difficult to back one candidate over all others.

So what's my point? Please remember:

1. Be an example of understanding and a promoter of diversity in your speech, actions, and attitudes.

2. Don't judge a book, friend, or candidate by it's cover. Get to know each as an individual. Find out what they stand for, and allow them the privilige to be who they are.


Isn't that what you would want?

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt



I've been thinking recently about why it is that I am a happy and confident person. I look around me, and see so many others who do not like themselves. As a teenager, this always confused and saddened me. What makes me different; what makes me special? I feel like I've always been this way....Is it personality? Is it a spiritual gift?

I was raised in a home where I was loved, appreciated, and encouraged toward individuality; I was happy because I didn't have reason to be unhappy. I never felt pressure to conform to the views and expectations of others, but this is not enough. What is the essence of that which has carried me beyond adolescence and into an adulthood fraught with pain, stress, and (occasionally) even sorrow?

My earliest awareness of this "thing" inside of me, this confidence, occurred when I was ten or eleven. I was in Primary and a scripture was read. I liked it. It stayed with me so I looked it up when I got home that day (an unusual occurrence) and read the following:
"For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life."
In that moment, I knew some things. I knew that God not only existed, but also loved me. I knew that He knew me, as an individual, and that He had a plan for me.

That moment marked a gathering of all that my parents had engineered for me. The peace, happiness, and spontaneity of my childhood stood as a support for the truths that I had learned.

I was important, special even. I was unique. I was me. God made me that way, and He needed me that way.

This moment, along with joys, successes, trials overcome, and the companionship of the spirit in my life have formed this “thing” inside of me. I realize now that it is a testimony.

I have a testimony of myself. I know that I am true. I know that I am good….and right. I know that I am the way that I am, in the place and with the people that I am, for a purpose….for a reason. My Heavenly Father wants, and needs me to be myself.

By embracing this knowledge, I have embraced myself, not physically, but my body and spirit, my whole soul. I love myself.

Now, while there is no doubt that I believe myself to be special, important even, I know that the same can, and should, be said about you, each of you. It frightens me to think that someone may read this, and not understand that this also applies to them. I have a testimony of myself, and it has helped me to have a testimony of you.

Usually “Self-Esteem Lessons” are reserved for teenagers, but you do not gain this testimony automatically. You don’t get it by growing up, graduating, getting married, or moving out. In fact, how much more difficult will it be when you have a spouse or children to take care of?

Please, please, PLEASE. If you feel shaky in your testimony of yourself, do not let another day go by without pleading with Heavenly Father to help you gain one. I don’t know how long it will take, a day, a week, or a year, but make a goal to do it, to know yourself, and to love yourself.

We all have reasons that hold us back. This is a scary thing. Once you know who you are, you will see all that you can accomplish, and then you will be responsible to live up to that version of yourself. I’ve been there, reluctant to begin that journey. But, as I heard Elder Groberg say on Sunday, “Hypocrisy is pretending to be something you’re not, but it is also pretending you cannot become what you really can.” Don’t be a hypocrite! Jump into that never-ending pattern of self-rediscovery that will force you to grow and grow. Don’t listen to fear, it comes from Satan. He wants you to focus on how hard and scary it is, but he never mentions the rewards. Don’t forget that it is worth it! When you are doing what’s right, growing and learning, you feel amazing! You feel happy, and best of all you have the spirit with you. That simple peace is the best feeling in the world.

Beyond this, like Enos, once you have gained a testimony of yourself, you will grow to consider your family, friends, and people. Then, your concern will move to your enemies. Can you imagine having a testimony of an enemy? That they are the way they are, and that that’s a GOOD thing? I don’t believe we can have that kind of empathy without having a very strong testimony of ourselves (along with a huge dose of Humility and Charity, the pure love Christ).

This brings me to the idea that brought me to write this tirade. It is popular to blame others (the media, the public school system, and of course MEN) for our own lack of confidence. While we ARE affected by our environments, in the end WE must take responsibility for ourselves and not rely on what others do, or do not, say.

While I believe that it is wrong to objectify women (or anyone), I think it is also wrong to blame men and society for the way we feel about ourselves. It is up to us to "stick it to the man." We (men and women) must work for a change, but we (women) must FIRST take responsibility for our own feelings. Eleanor Roosevelt (one of my favorite historical figures) said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I truly believe this.

It is difficult to let the world wash off your back, sometimes we feel less like rubber and more like glue, but a testimony of ourselves is the most effective tool against such days.

This last year has been the most difficult of my life. I’ve had health problems, occasional hormonal depression, and my first broken heart. Looking forward, I see few dating or job prospects, no real security. There are times when I am overwhelmed, times when I’m unhappy. I sink, but I NEVER drown. There is still that “thing,” that testimony that won’t let me give up, that keeps me fighting for myself. I get discouraged, but I know I am worth it.

*For God….John 3:16: http://scriptures.lds.org/en/john/3

*Enos: http://scriptures.lds.org/en/enos/1

*Charity: Moroni 7:47: http://scriptures.lds.org/en/moro/7