From there to here

You may remember when I felt like this.

And I told you when I felt like this.


But I did not tell very many about this (newly imported from my private journal).

Not even this or this.


And certainly not this.


But I feel much more comfortable sharing a look into this most intimate journey I have been on, because of THIS.

Waiting

I have a warm place.

Dark


Quiet



Safe




and Empty.



Waiting just for you.




___________________________________________________

Warning: The following discusses two medical conditions (though neither very graphically).



I had that thought during Sacrament meeting yesterday, "I have a warm place." It was a bittersweet feeling. This week I had what is termed a 'Chemical Pregnancy.' That's when you have a miscarriage at less than five weeks along. I took my test on Monday, when I was maybe six. The positive reading was a surprise (because of the bleeding) but I didn't really get the chance to be excited. By the end of work, I guessed I would miscarry. The cramps were so strong.

I would feel fine in the mornings, and then horrible in the evenings. Finally, on Wednesday, I started having large clots (the shedding lining). Once they were passed, I felt normal again. I'm okay now, but I still have to take it easy. On Thursday I was bending over (picking stuff up) and it caused me some pain. I think that's probably passed now, but I'm still feeling a bit sick. However, I think that's my digestion issues. Something's going on there, but I'm not sure what. It's like my entire tract (from the stomach down) is sensitive. I feel fine till I eat, and then it hurts all the way down. It's worse if it's sugary, greasy food, but it hurts no matter what.

Emotionally, I'm okay. That first night (last Monday) I was calm till I talked to my mom. I could hear the sincere pity in her voice. It made me feel a little doomed. Then I asked Chris to give me a blessing. In the prayer beforehand, I asked the Lord for guidance, and for truth. After the blessing, I told Chris I should have been more specific about the kind of truth I wanted! I wanted to know if I needed to go to the hospital, He told me I needed to have faith and be joyful. I wanted to know the future of this baby, He told me that my children love me, and will come to me at the appointed time. By the end, I realized that things could go either way, and, somehow, that was less comforting than before.

I couldn't deal with it, so we watched Wives and Daughters. I was better after that, struggling to have faith, to not feel sorry for myself. It was an up and down day.

Still, yesterday, Father's Day, I had that moment, I wrote my Haiku, and it must have given me a little eternal perspective, because during the closing Hymn, O My Father, I felt kind of homesick. I love music because it teaches you emotions. I really felt along with Eliza R. Snow this time. I missed Him too.

O my Father, thou that dwellest

In the high and glorious place,

When shall I regain thy presence

And again behold thy face?

...

For a wise and glorious purpose (!!)

Thou hast placed me here on earth

And withheld the recollection

Of my former friends and birth;

...

I had learned to call thee Father,

Thru thy Spirit from on high,

But, until the key of knowledge

Was restored, I knew not why.

In the heav’ns are parents single?

No, the thought makes reason stare!

Truth is reason; truth eternal

Tells me I’ve a mother there.

When I leave this frail existence,

When I lay this mortal by,

Father, Mother, may I meet you

In your royal courts on high?

Then, at length, when I’ve completed

All you sent me forth to do,

With your mutual approbation

Let me come and dwell with you.

It's like I told Chris later that day. That's it! That's the reason. We come to this earth to be parents, to create life!

This time is a time of creation. Whatever we make of ourselves, what relationships we make, pieces of art, what children we make, what spaces, what times, what happiness. That's what it's about.


And that's what I want to do.


Father, help me not to be idle while I wait.

Something a Little Different

There is only one way to know for sure if you are one of Them.


Some people go their whole lives and never know, because they are never summoned. They suspect, because they have always felt different, special, but they never know for certain. They die alone, cursing The People who should have been their family, never realizing that it is their own fault.

You will never be summoned until you are ready.

And even then, you have to be alert, on your toes. They only give so many chances. After all, what is the point of teaching a student who does not wish to learn?

One day, when you feel particularly alone, you will realize that you've never been alone in your entire life, and, as you look around for Those that are watching you, you will see it, and your breath will catch in your throat at the familiarity in its eyes.

It has been waiting for you.

The Pard are an ancient race, ancestors of the average house cat. They first came to the Ancient Cornish, looking for allies. It was they who set the stones, enabling mankind to reach their land, if only in dreams. A chosen man or woman's spirit may pass through Men-an-Tol only in the deepest of sleeps.

Many men and women desperately trace their history to Cornwall, citing Cornish diaspora as evidence of their own power, but power cannot be claimed, merely bridled. Only when it is tame can it be trained.

The sooner you realize this, the sooner They will come.

There is great discrepancy about timing in these situations. Some say you must greet the Cat on your first meeting, others that it wishes for the respect of patience.

But when you meet your Pard, you will know.

It will be walking parallel to you, on the opposite side of the street, or perhaps sitting on a bench across a garden, looking for all the world like an innocent, average cat.

It might even be a Cat you know, one you've seen in your present or past. It was your best friend's lost kitty, or your grandmother's spoiled empress.

Or it may be a Cat you have never laid eyes on.

In any case, it will be staring, and you must stare back. Breathe slowly, and do not blink. Show it that you are unlearned, but not unequal. Take first one step, then another. The Cat, if it is a Cat, will remain frozen, waiting for you. You must continue in exactly a straight line.

When you are a single pace away, drop to your knees without breaking eye-contact. Now, you must wait. I do not know how long, but in the proper moment, for the first time in your life, you will See.

Only then, is it safe to touch the Cat (they enjoy being scratched behind the ears like any mammal).


That night you will begin your education, your real life.



Congratulations.


~~O~~

I was twelve when the cat first came. She was young and lithe, and belonged to the neighbors two doors down. She had a unique coat, with a single wide stripe running down her spine and along her tail, dark grey on light.

I didn't know tame cats had spots.

Occasionally I would see her watching me and, somehow, I knew what to do.

It took a few tries, she would leave before I arrived, or I'd blink and she'd be gone, but one day, she let me come.

I don't know why I was on the other side of the street that day, I'd long since given up my acquaintance with the girls there, they did not understand nor like me, and we had little in common. I still liked them, but I liked everyone. I was too old to be out playing, so I must have been on my way to my grandmother's, but why on the opposite side of the street?

She was in front of the two-story home next to Grandma's, watching me again, waiting for me again.

I took my first step, leaving the sidewalk, praying that no cars would come and disturb my path. I continued with shallow breath, heart pounding all the same, and my progress was so slow, too slow.

I began to panic, willing her to wait, wait until I could get there. I had never been so close before, so sure. I arrived in front of her, hardly knowing what would happen, just that Something surely would!

I knelt before her and, as I reached for her, she stalked away, casually, looking at me with an indifference that had no concept of the magnitude of my situation.

Was that it? I asked. Was that enough?



But my desperate heart knew the answer,
and I dreamed no dreams that night.


~~O~~




Perhaps there were a few more Cats in my life, but they all seem so ordinary now. In the last ten years I have moved four times, each time feeling farther and farther from certainty and humanity. I see only ordinary cats, but occasionally I dream that they are more, only to awake and realize that if they were, they wouldn't want me.

My Dreams

A friend asked me today what my dreams were....she really made me think, so I'll post some of my rambly ponderings.

My dreams? I have many. I have a teaching credential and I love working with children, but it's hard to know what I will do for them. I get so drained by a whole class, but I am energized by working one-on-one or in small groups. Maybe that's because I want my own children so badly, but it's also my personality. I go a little nuts from all the bustle of a classroom, and I have to constantly battle between the desire to allow my students more freedom (stick it to the man!) and the desire to keep the classroom orderly and quiet (mass hysteria, anyone?).

I'm very excited, because yesterday I saw a listing for a teaching position that is for a Teacher in a program that works with children who are English Language Learners. I love the idea of working with a few kids each hour, children that really need extra help. I don't know if that's what I will continue doing, but I know I'll find my niche.

I also dream about my own children. I have a tendency to live in the future, and it's hard to teach other people's children without thinking about how you will raise your own.

Have you ever shared one of your favorite foods or books with a child and then watched them grow to love it, too? That's what teaching really is about, helping children to discover what they've been missing in the world around them, and helping them to value the unseen, unthought, and untried.

I guess that's why I love talking so much! Cause I get to share and discover with another person. If you've ever had a three hour conversation with me, you know what I mean.

The more I care about a person, the more I love these times, so it's no wonder I get impatient for my own family.

I also dream about improving my talents. I want to experience things, sing more, act more, write more, push beyond my abilities. In some ways I feel untapped.

That's why I'm so excited for this play! It's a little cheesy, because it's for families, but it's meaningfully simple. My character, Barbara, represents each member of the audience. She starts in Heaven, comes to earth, lives her life, and then goes home. She struggles, like I have been lately, with a sense of not being enough, not getting to the point, not finding her purpose and achieving her goals. There are so many distractions.... If you don't want to wait for August, you can watch this video on YouTube. Just be warned that the costume I will wear is VERY different from this girl's:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=YGj5FqBpF1k

Thanks for letting me ramble on like this, it is good to take your dreams out and really look at them once in a while, to make sure you're doing right by them.

Have you ever seen Lady in the Water? It's a wonderful movie about dreams and how important they are. It's pretty metaphorical, so if that's not your cup of tea, you might find it lacking, but I love it. It made me realize that we have a responsibility to PROTECT and NOURISH our dreams.

Think about that, and let me know....

What are your dreams?