If you're not familiar with Alanis Morissette, you can listen to the original here.
And in case you wanna sing along, here's the karaoke version:
(Spoilers ahead)
"Byronic"
A young man brooded alone Waiting for someone to speak to his soul Until here you come a quiet fool And before you know it into his arms you’ve flown And isn't it Byronic... don't you think
Then a man shows up on your wedding day Your dreams are shattered cause your fiancé Has a wife in the attic that he’s hidden away Who would've thought... it figures
No matter what you do what is right You pack your suitcase and tell him goodbye He’s so confident that you’ll do what he says But you sneak out in the middle of the night And isn't it Byronic... don't you think
Cause the man showed up on your wedding day Your dreams were shattered cause your fiancé Had a wife in the attic that he’d hidden away Who would've thought... it figures
Tall, Dark, and Handsome face, doesn’t mean that it’s alright When he won’t give you space, and has arrogance to match his charm But ”Mad, Bad, and Dangerous” doesn’t mean he can’t love You till the end of time and through all obstacles In your way
A secret cousin who takes you in A random inheritance gives you freedom from him Then you’re hearing voices that change your life Your love’s been blinded by a fire Set by his crazy wife And isn't it Byronic...don't you think? A little too Byronic...and, yeah, I really do think...
When that man showed up on your wedding day And dreams were shattered cause your fiancé Had a wife in the attic that he’d hidden away You should've thought... it figures
Tall, Dark, and Handsome face haunting your dreams at night ”Mad, Bad, and Dangerous” ways telling you he’s no white knight He’s no white knight
Woke up this morning. Stretched. I've made a goal that I will put a few things away in my room every time I'm in there, even before visiting the restroom.
On the way to my dresser, I began to sneeze. Suddenly, it was imperative that I get to the bathroom.
Interested in reading something truly awful? Awful, as in, horribly, grotesquely funny, but somehow still a published work of fiction??
Click HERE. And don't forget to read the introduction.
(By way of warning, some of you may find this a tad indecent. I find it too ridiculous to be titillating, but if you're worried, I would recommend you stay away from the second link that leads to pages 98-99)
And please tell me: Which is your favorite metaphor?
I know we may be embarrassingly white (and occasionally hairy) but we really aren't that bad to look at! (Are we?) We enjoy sunshine and a breeze as much as your other limbs, and really appreciate the effort you've made in the past months to wear skirts and shorts. You finally got used to us, and realized we aren't that bad! (In addition, between ballet and walking, we've never looked better!) We've seen you checking our definition and shaving more often, so admit it, you're more than tolerant, you're proud of us! We like our new look very much, so we're here to say, "Keep it up!" We understand about Monday, you just got back, hadn't been feeling well, blah, blah, blah....but what about today, huh? Get off your lazy butt (trust us, she really is lazy) and get back at it! Remember the burn? Remember the energy, the sense of accomplishment?
Get going before we try to kick some sense into you!
In frustration and affection, Your Legs
Tuesday (July 9)
My Dear Aunt,
What pleasure it gave me to return from my morning walk and find your letter waiting for me! Yes, I assure you we are quite well and am glad you are all the same. I can hardly believe it is an entire year since quitting my parents home and coming to D------ with my Dear Husband!
As to your inquiries about our neighbourhood, I can assure you our set is extremely pleasant. Only this morning Mrs. L---- and I went on our daily stroll. We are determined (like many a modern woman) to "avoid all sedentary amusements." Though I shall miss our strolls when she enters her confinement, I shall still keep company with our dear friend Mrs. S--------. (Mrs. S is a charming lady also much interested in health and sport.)
Things are a bit slow just now, as it is summer. We have been to a few dinner parties, but I am no longer working in the church-school. Still, I visit Grandmama each Wednesday and have read so many books that, were I not married, I'd likely become a qualified bluestocking!
Of course you are aware that my dear brother was visiting from the East. What a dear their little Eva is. Nearly a year old and we had never laid eyes on her! Mama and I wish they had not settled so far away, but I suppose one must go where there is a living to be had. Speaking of Mama, she and Papa leave tomorrow for their tour of the Northern Coasts. They are traveling in rather a grand fashion and have had to get new clothes for all the parties and dinners they will attend.
I do hope you will call on Grandmama while they are away, she gets quite lonely. My DH and I will be up in town for a few days, but we have several parties to attend and won't be very good company I'm afraid.
Naw, you guys don't wanna hear about my health problems and how I'm doing a little bit better, do you?
How about instead I give you a sneak peek into the Broadway Musical I'm writing? It's about an Enchanted, but Cursed Castle.
Cue Intro Music (This video has the perfect mood music, it's just how I imagined!) Read the opening narration, while it plays.
NARRATOR: Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he enjoyed good health and everything else his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. But then, one winter's night, an old, sickly woman came to the castle and offered him a single roll of toilet paper in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her ugliness and flatulence, the prince sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away. But she warned him not to be deceived by smells, for beauty is found within. And when he dismissed her again, the old woman's ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress that smelled of roses. The prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, for she had seen that there was no catharsis in his heart. And as punishment, she transformed his bowels into a hideous beast and placed a powerful spell on the castle and all who lived there. Ashamed of his monstrous stomach, and putrid smell, the beast concealed himself inside his castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. The roll she had offered was truly an enchanted roll, which would last until his 21st year. If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last sheet was used, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a constipated beast for all time. As the years passed, his proctitis turned to colitis, and his colitis to crohn's, and he fell into despair and lost all hope. For who could ever learn to love a beast?
Here's the lyrics to one of the completed songs:
Pooping Again, Written by Mary Sanders
Dedicated to Any and Every One who suffers from Crohn’s, Colitis, Proctitis, or IBS
LUMIERE
Ha ha, yes, my friends. The day we have waited for may be at hand!
MRS. POTTS
Oh, only if that were true, Lumiere!
LUMIERE
Aaah...pooping again
MRS. POTTS
Pooping again
LUMIERE
Yes, think of what that means!
LUMIERE
I'll be cooking again Be good-looking again With a mademoiselle on each arm When I'm pooping again Only pooping again Free of gas and gleaming with charm... I'll be courting again Chic and sporting again
MRS. POTTS
Without causing the ladies alarm!
CHIP
I'll hop into the loo
LUMIERE
And toute suite take a poo
CHIP
I can't wait to be pooping again
MME. DE LA GRANDE BOUCHE, MRS. POTTS ,BABETTE
When we're pooping again Only pooping again When our bodies start working once more
CHIP
Little push to begin It could, whoosh, fall right in!
MME. DE LA GRANDE BOUCHE
Ah, cherie, won't it all be top-drawer I'll wear lipstick and rouge And I won't feel so huge Why, I'll comf'ly fit in tight clothes! I won’t keep getting caught Everyday On the pot It's my thought to be pooping again
COGSWORTH
When I'm pooping again Only pooping again When the world once more starts making sense I'll unwind for a change
LUMIERE
Really? That'd be strange!
COGSWORTH
Can I help it if I'm t-t-tense? In a shack by the seas I'll sit back eating cheese Let my early retirement commence I'll forget my exlax Have no stains on my slacks, and relax!
ALL
When I'm pooping again So grab some pills from the drawer! Avoid eating fried rice! I can feel, I can tell Something might break the spell Any day now!
MRS. POTTS, EGG TIMER, WHISK
Open the cupboards and get out some Tums
MRS. POTTS
Pop these down so you don’t get the runs
ALL
Scoop up the years Of bloating and tears And flush them away!
ALL
When… We're… pooping again Only pooping again We'll be walking around with such ease When we're pooping again Only pooping again And it just takes a quick one-two-three (One, two, three!) No more groaning again! No more Chrohning again! We’ll be feeling as fine as you please Like a cured human does I'll be all that I was On that glorious morn When we're fin'lly reborn And we're all of us pooping again!
You know me, I like to have lofty goals. One can dream, right?
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