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How about instead I give you a sneak peek into the Broadway Musical I'm writing? It's about an Enchanted, but Cursed Castle.
Cue Intro Music (This video has the perfect mood music, it's just how I imagined!) Read the opening narration, while it plays.
NARRATOR: Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he enjoyed good health and everything else his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. But then, one winter's night, an old, sickly woman came to the castle and offered him a single roll of toilet paper in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her ugliness and flatulence, the prince sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away. But she warned him not to be deceived by smells, for beauty is found within. And when he dismissed her again, the old woman's ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress that smelled of roses. The prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, for she had seen that there was no catharsis in his heart. And as punishment, she transformed his bowels into a hideous beast and placed a powerful spell on the castle and all who lived there. Ashamed of his monstrous stomach, and putrid smell, the beast concealed himself inside his castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. The roll she had offered was truly an enchanted roll, which would last until his 21st year. If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last sheet was used, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a constipated beast for all time. As the years passed, his proctitis turned to colitis, and his colitis to crohn's, and he fell into despair and lost all hope. For who could ever learn to love a beast?
Here's the lyrics to one of the completed songs:
Pooping Again, Written by Mary Sanders
Dedicated to Any and Every One who suffers from Crohn’s, Colitis, Proctitis, or IBS
LUMIERE
Ha ha, yes, my friends.
The day we have waited for may be at hand!
MRS. POTTS
Oh, only if that were true, Lumiere!
LUMIERE
Aaah...pooping again
MRS. POTTS
Pooping again
LUMIERE
Yes, think of what that means!
LUMIERE
I'll be cooking again
Be good-looking again
With a mademoiselle on each arm
When I'm pooping again
Only pooping again
Free of gas and gleaming with charm...
I'll be courting again
Chic and sporting again
MRS. POTTS
Without causing the ladies alarm!
CHIP
I'll hop into the loo
LUMIERE
And toute suite take a poo
CHIP
I can't wait to be pooping again
MME. DE LA GRANDE BOUCHE, MRS. POTTS ,BABETTE
When we're pooping again
Only pooping again
When our bodies start working once more
CHIP
Little push to begin
It could, whoosh, fall right in!
MME. DE LA GRANDE BOUCHE
Ah, cherie, won't it all be top-drawer
I'll wear lipstick and rouge
And I won't feel so huge
Why, I'll comf'ly fit in tight clothes!
I won’t keep getting caught
Everyday
On the pot
It's my thought to be pooping again
COGSWORTH
When I'm pooping again
Only pooping again
When the world once more starts making sense
I'll unwind for a change
LUMIERE
Really? That'd be strange!
COGSWORTH
Can I help it if I'm t-t-tense?
In a shack by the seas
I'll sit back eating cheese
Let my early retirement commence
I'll forget my exlax
Have no stains on my slacks, and relax!
ALL
When I'm pooping again
So grab some pills from the drawer!
Avoid eating fried rice!
I can feel, I can tell
Something might break the spell
Any day now!
MRS. POTTS, EGG TIMER, WHISK
Open the cupboards and get out some Tums
MRS. POTTS
Pop these down so you don’t get the runs
ALL
Scoop up the years
Of bloating and tears
And flush them away!
ALL
When… We're… pooping again
Only pooping again
We'll be walking around with such ease
When we're pooping again
Only pooping again
And it just takes a quick one-two-three (One, two, three!)
No more groaning again!
No more Chrohning again!
We’ll be feeling as fine as you please
Like a cured human does
I'll be all that I was
On that glorious morn
When we're fin'lly reborn
And we're all of us pooping again!
You know me, I like to have lofty goals. One can dream, right?
7 comments:
All of the words in italics in the first paragraph made me think it was a mad-lib. Oh and the music in that video is gorgeous. Thanks for posting it!
SO funny! I feel sorry for you! haha, this was so clever though!
Rich--The italicies (italics?) were to show what I added/changed. and yes, that guy did a great job w/the music.
Kellie--Thanks! Besides a couple colonoscopies, embarrassing gas, and a whole lot of discomfort over the years, I'm pretty lucky. My condition is mild. I just have to take a few pills a day and watch what I eat. On the opposite of the spectrum there are people on steroids, having chronic pain/bathroom trips, and then of course the ever looming colostomy bag! (Shudder!)
Well, I feel as though I have had just a small glimpse of how you feel since being prego. This is the most PAINFUL gas I've ever had! Ugh...
Time for a new post, my friend!
That was so frikkin' hilarious!
You are so funny. I love your positive outlook and the funny spin you put on things.
Happy Easter!
Hey ... did you try giving up GLUTEN? Gluten is something that I do SO much better without. IT is in wheat rye and barley. Give it up for six weeks and then eat it for one day and see how you feel. You'll notice the effect it has on you (which might be no effect at all or it might be big) after giving it up for six weeks and then returning to it.
It's worth a shot, right?
Gluten gives some people MAJOR gastric problems (diahrea, constipation, GAS!), reproductive problems, stunts growth, and ultimately can shorten your life span. Check out celiac.com if you want to read more.
Happy Easter! we'll be out of town visiting Lee's family.
Wendy: Gluten, eh? I don't know if I have the self control....pasta...bread...and CRACKERS!?! I'll have to research and think on it. (and I'm glad you think I'm funny :D)
Kellie: Ugh, I'm sorry! (And I'll try to get more posts up this spring break week!)
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