From there to here

You may remember when I felt like this.

And I told you when I felt like this.


But I did not tell very many about this (newly imported from my private journal).

Not even this or this.


And certainly not this.


But I feel much more comfortable sharing a look into this most intimate journey I have been on, because of THIS.

We all feel like this sometimes....right?

My life is filling up with wonderful, frightening things.

I feel like God has certain things he needs me to learn, and learn fast, before becoming a parent and splitting my focus.

I feel like I must be the most spiritual, the most organized, the most worthy, the most loving, and the most determined I've ever been in my whole life.

I'm going to be awesome, but I'm terrified.


I've never liked hard work.



There is a war within me. A war between growth and comfort, rightness and ease.

Succeeding is so important to me, but I want it to be easy.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.


Perhaps it is a blessing I have no child as of yet. I've never been a good multi-tasker.


Hello life. Please don't hurt me!



Now is the time.


Now.

Now.

Now.

Waiting

I have a warm place.

Dark


Quiet



Safe




and Empty.



Waiting just for you.




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Warning: The following discusses two medical conditions (though neither very graphically).



I had that thought during Sacrament meeting yesterday, "I have a warm place." It was a bittersweet feeling. This week I had what is termed a 'Chemical Pregnancy.' That's when you have a miscarriage at less than five weeks along. I took my test on Monday, when I was maybe six. The positive reading was a surprise (because of the bleeding) but I didn't really get the chance to be excited. By the end of work, I guessed I would miscarry. The cramps were so strong.

I would feel fine in the mornings, and then horrible in the evenings. Finally, on Wednesday, I started having large clots (the shedding lining). Once they were passed, I felt normal again. I'm okay now, but I still have to take it easy. On Thursday I was bending over (picking stuff up) and it caused me some pain. I think that's probably passed now, but I'm still feeling a bit sick. However, I think that's my digestion issues. Something's going on there, but I'm not sure what. It's like my entire tract (from the stomach down) is sensitive. I feel fine till I eat, and then it hurts all the way down. It's worse if it's sugary, greasy food, but it hurts no matter what.

Emotionally, I'm okay. That first night (last Monday) I was calm till I talked to my mom. I could hear the sincere pity in her voice. It made me feel a little doomed. Then I asked Chris to give me a blessing. In the prayer beforehand, I asked the Lord for guidance, and for truth. After the blessing, I told Chris I should have been more specific about the kind of truth I wanted! I wanted to know if I needed to go to the hospital, He told me I needed to have faith and be joyful. I wanted to know the future of this baby, He told me that my children love me, and will come to me at the appointed time. By the end, I realized that things could go either way, and, somehow, that was less comforting than before.

I couldn't deal with it, so we watched Wives and Daughters. I was better after that, struggling to have faith, to not feel sorry for myself. It was an up and down day.

Still, yesterday, Father's Day, I had that moment, I wrote my Haiku, and it must have given me a little eternal perspective, because during the closing Hymn, O My Father, I felt kind of homesick. I love music because it teaches you emotions. I really felt along with Eliza R. Snow this time. I missed Him too.

O my Father, thou that dwellest

In the high and glorious place,

When shall I regain thy presence

And again behold thy face?

...

For a wise and glorious purpose (!!)

Thou hast placed me here on earth

And withheld the recollection

Of my former friends and birth;

...

I had learned to call thee Father,

Thru thy Spirit from on high,

But, until the key of knowledge

Was restored, I knew not why.

In the heav’ns are parents single?

No, the thought makes reason stare!

Truth is reason; truth eternal

Tells me I’ve a mother there.

When I leave this frail existence,

When I lay this mortal by,

Father, Mother, may I meet you

In your royal courts on high?

Then, at length, when I’ve completed

All you sent me forth to do,

With your mutual approbation

Let me come and dwell with you.

It's like I told Chris later that day. That's it! That's the reason. We come to this earth to be parents, to create life!

This time is a time of creation. Whatever we make of ourselves, what relationships we make, pieces of art, what children we make, what spaces, what times, what happiness. That's what it's about.


And that's what I want to do.


Father, help me not to be idle while I wait.

Scrapblog.com, My New Favorite Thing

Thanks to Kellie, I was able to figure out how to beautify my blog! The Background is from thecutestblogontheblock.com and my banner is a template from scrapblog.com.

Scrapblog is so fun! I have unleashed my inner collage artist, and after taking my header almost completely as is (I only changed the text and pictures) I was ready to do one from scratch.


Here is the result. I am rather proud of it. It took FOREVER, but I am really happy with the way it looks (all the images are from their site, but I placed them, layered them, and chose the opacity, size, etc.). If you can't see it very well, the larger version is here.

Insert Cheesy Title Here

I can barely describe the feeling I want to explain in this post.

Occasionally, I hear a piece of music, either instrumental or in a language I don't understand, that is SO pure....SO exquisite I simply want to....

Cry?

Melt?

Die?

Those aren't very positive words, but that's as close as I can come.... Something about these rare pieces make me want to change my physical form and....what? Leave my body and become the music? I don't know. All I know is that they make me feel large and small at once. Happy and sad.....but inspired, full of Light....and....peace.

Maybe that's it, Peace.


Whatever this phenomenon is, I'd like to share the melodies that cause it.

I first discovered the feeling while watching the Jody Foster movie Contact. I decided it was my favorite movie, and asked for the soundtrack for Christmas. I haven't seen the movie since, but the music, by Alan Silvestri (Beowulf, Forrest Gump, The Polar Express), still holds me in its power.

I couldn't find it online, but THIS cheesy website uses the main theme in the background. Incidentally, the site is called Pathways to Peace.

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Next, I was introduced to Howard Shore, and the magic simplicity of the Shire with: Concerning Hobbits. (See player below for the rest of the songs)

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Followed by Renata Tebaldi's O Mio Babbino Caro on Pavarotti's Opera Made Easy: My favorite Opera for Everyone. (I could not find that recording, but Sissel does a beautiful job. I also liked the Renee Fleming one, but her strong vibrato can distract from the purity of the sound.

Listen to those high notes! It just makes me feel....

I have no words.

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Next, representing my college years, we have Always with Me, from the Spirited Away Soundtrack. This woman wrote and performed the song, accompanying herself on the LYRE! She was a fan who sent her beautiful work to Mr. Miyazaki (The Disney of Japan--popularity wise, not style wise). It was inspired by a previous movie, but worked well for Spirited Away so it was included as the closing Theme.

You are not allowed to say you don't like Anime until you have seen at least two or three Miyazaki movies. Suggestions? Spirited Away (in English or Japanese), Castle in the Sky (Don't watch it in English, Mark Hamil as the bad guy is fun, but the rest is ridiculous), and Howl's Moving Castle (with the title character voiced by Christian Bale).

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Finally, we have the song I scoured the internet for all morning. Eventually, I found it by typing "Modern Traditional" in google. It has been stuck in my head for a few days, but I couldn't remember the name! I have heard it several times, originally on American Tapestry by Jenny Oaks Baker and Jenny Richards, but couldn't remember where I'd heard it.

So here's Ashokan Farewell.



Enjoy your passage into my head!