The Ultimate Color Test (not really)

Sorry it's been forever! And sorry this is such a lame post, but I liked this. Of course, it's almost so vague it could be about a lot of people...hmm....I still like it. Oh well :)

The Ultimate Color Test

When you are at peace, you are: Giving and unselfish When you are moved to act, you are: Giving and warm When you are inspired, you are: Flexible and experimental When your life is perfectly balanced, you are: Philosophical and expressive Your life's purpose is: To change the world

The Ultimate Color Test

Confessions of a Bruised Mind

I slept in today.

What is it about a bed that makes one feel safe?

Sleep is safe, but

Closed eyes? Alone in a bed?

What's so safe about that?


And yet

I prolong it.


The alarm keeps going

And I

Keep hitting snooze.


Finally, a different phone sound

Curiosity, my saving virtue

Who has texted me?


So I am distracted and, before I know it

Officially awake.

Check something off my list.


Pills, fiber, those are easy,

No thought required.


And then I head back to bed.


Because there is another thing that happens near that location

But I'm trying not to think about it.


See, the thing is,

It's really hard to pretend when you pray.

And

If I let my guard down

I'll start crying.


I'd probably feel better

But I'd also be caught

Once again

In the never-ending cycle


It's easier to get distracted

To get caught up in the magic of words

And turn fear into poetry

Cause a poem can't hurt


Except

My eyes are full

Keepers of the Children

Look for the Logo!

Every time I pass a group of tough looking bikers, I look for the BACA patch. BACA, Bikers Against Child Abuse, was started by John Paul "Chief" Lilly (who happens to be a friend of a friend), a child therapist. Working with families, social workers, therapists and the police department, BACA provides four levels of intervention for abused children. During a first visit, the whole chapter (20-80 bikers!) meets up with the child, gives them a BACA vest, some stickers and toys, and the contact information for the two closest members. They are sending a message to the child that they are now part of the BACA family, a big, loud, tough family. And nobody better mess with their family.

BACA does not condone violence, they perform ridebys and show up for court dates, just to be there for the child. They want the child to be empowered, but they are also sending a message to the abusers.

Listen to their creed:

I am a member of Bikers Against Child Abuse. The die has been cast. The decision has been made. I have stepped over the line. I wont look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.

My past has prepared me, my present makes sense, and my future is secure. I'm finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need pre-eminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by the faith in my works, and lean on the strength of my brothers and sisters. I love with patience, live by prayer, and labor with power.

My fate is set, my gait is fast, my goal is the ultimate safety of children. My road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are tried and true, my Guide is reliable, my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I wont give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, and showed up for all wounded children. I must go until I drop, ride until I give out, and work till He stops me. And when He comes for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me, for He will see my BACA backpatch and know that I am one of His. I am a member of Bikers Against Child Abuse, and this is my creed.

Chief
Founder, Bikers Against Child Abuse, Inc.

These couragous men and women have found a need and are filling it. They are my heroes!
This video is about ten minutes, but it's totally worth watching:

Thanks--Written in January

Thanks for Being the Kind of Friend
The kind of friend
I can always count on

Thanks for being the kind of friend
who knows all my secrets
because you've listened long enough for me to get them all out

Thanks for being the kind of friend
who teaches me
how to be better friends with others

Thanks for being the kind of friend
who knows when I need to talk
about nothing

Thanks for being the kind of friend
who'd loan me money
and even be aware I need it in the first place

Thanks for being the kind of friend
who can't resist
speaking his mind

Thanks for being the kind of friend
that makes me think twice
about moving away

Thanks for being the kind of friend
who will always
respect and protect me

Thanks
Thanks for being

My Songs

It was bonding time. Liann, my Resident Assistant, asked us to go around the circle and share our Theme Song. I didn't know what to pick. Of course, it was important to me. I love my personality, and I love defining it for myself and others. I also love music. Here was an opportunity to define myself with song, a fabulous form of communication, but I could not think of what it would be. Dissatisfied, and a little disgusted, I volunteered what I realize now was my Love Theme Song. Everyone, "Awwwed," and I tried to retain my self-respect.


When I Fall in Love

When I fall in love it will be forever
Or Ill never fall in love
In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before its begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give my heart it will be completely
Or Ill never give my heart
And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you.

Cheesy, but adequate. Really, I only need the first two lines to describe my attitude toward love. It probably wasn't a very smart attitude, but it did come true. I finally fell in love, and it will be forever. As a child I thought it would be great, and make the most sense, to marry the first man I dated. Well, I am going to do that, but it took five years of off and on dating to get there.


(But it is kind of nice to know he is the only man I've ever loved, and that I'm the only woman he's ever loved.)


As I've matured and discovered what love really is, I find it nearly impossible to find a song to actually describe this ever changing, constantly surprising, and exquisitely more dear every day feeling.

However, because I am planning my wedding, I have been forced to do this very thing. The best Chris and I could come up with (and I really think we did quite well), was an old favorite from one of our favorite movies.

Proof that there is a hopeless romantic in each of us:


Beauty and the Beast

Tale as old as time
True as it can be
Barely even friends
Then somebody bends
Unexpectedly

Just a little change
Small to say the least
Both a little scared
Neither one prepared
Beauty and the beast

Ever just the same
Ever a surprise
Ever just as sure
Ever as before
As the sun will rise

Certain as the sun
Rising in the east
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the beast



Now don't misunderstand, Chris may be hairy, but he is NOT a beast! I hope I don't have to add a disclaimer to my Wedding Song....

But I really do think this is a good way to tell our story. What was once so surprising has become the surest thing in my life. He is a great source of strength and luster to my world. (And yes, I just glanced at him fondly, though he doesn't know because he is sleeping on my couch.)


Anyway, back to my college years, while I did not come up with my perfect Theme Song at the perfect moment, I did, of course, realize what it was about a month [too]later.

If I had Wings

If I had wings no one would ask me should I fly
The bird sings, no one asks why.
I can see in myself wings as I feel them
If you see something else, keep your thoughts to yourself,
I’ll fly free then.

Yesterday’s eyes see their colors fading away
They see their sun turning to grey
You can’t share in a dream, that you don’t believe in
If you say that you see and pretend to be me
You won’t be then.

How can you ask if I’m happy goin’ my way?
You might as well ask a child at play!
There’s no need to discuss or understand me
I won’t ask of myself to become something else
I’ll just be me!

If I had wings no one would ask me should I fly
The bird sings, and no one asks her why.
I can see in myself wings as I feel them
If you see something else, keep your thoughts to yourself,
I’ll fly free then.

So I was finally satisfied. Here was a song to define me as undefinable, along with free and unique.

I thought I was done, but I was wrong.


A few months ago, at a Relief Society Enrichment Meeting, a music lesson brought up the old question, "What is your theme song." The teacher went beyond, saying that we should have several songs for different things. She quoted research on the usefulness of having a personal Fight Song.

Well, fortunately, I figured out mine almost immediately. I picked the song that most inspires me to action (Yes, me and action, sometimes we get together).

(It is from the FABULOUS musical The Scarlet Pimpernel)

Into the Fire


David walked into the valley

With a stone clutched in his hand

He was only a boy

But he knew someone must take a stand



There will always be a valley

Always mountains one must scale

There will always be perilous waters

Which someone must sail



Into valleys, into waters

Into jungles, into hell

Let us ride, let us ride home again with a story to tell

Into darkness, into danger

Into storms that rip the night

Don't give in, but give up

But give thanks for the glorious fight



You can tremble, you can fear it

But keep your fighting spirit alive boys

Let the shiver of it sting you

Fling into battle, spring to your feet boys

Never hold back your step for a moment

Never doubt that your courage will grow

Hold your head even higher and into the fire we go 



Are there mountains that surround us?

Are there walls that block the way?

Knock 'em down, strip 'em back boys

And forward and into the fray



Into terror, into valour

Charge ahead, no, never turn

Yes, it's into the fire we fly

And the devil will burn



Someone has to face the valley

Rush in, we have to rally and win boys

When the world is saying not to

By God, you know you've got to march on, boys

Never hold back your step for a moment

Never doubt that your courage will grow

Hold your head ever higher and into the fire we go 



Let the lightning strike

Let the flash of it shock you

Choke your fears away

Pull as tight as a wire

Let the fever strike

Let the force of it rock you

We will have our day, sailing into the fire



Someone has to face the valley

Rush in! We have to rally and win boys

When the world is saying not to

By God, you know you've got to march on, boys

Never hold back your step for a moment

Look alive! Oh, your courage will grow

Yes, it's higher and higher and into the fire we go

Into fire!

Onward, ho! 

I love this song, because it teaches the importance of the "Someones" in our lives. We can choose to let someone take care of things, or we can stand up and volunteer to be Someone.


So there they are, a few thoughts on my four songs, written with four people and the television distracting me.

Haiku Challenge

So I was playing around with Facebook and I made a penguin picture on Superwall....it reminded of a haiku I wrote in college that I was very proud of. Haiku are traditionally about nature, so we were asked to go through a National Graphic and choose something as our inspiration.

Here's where the challenge comes in! I'd like all of you to do the same. Just take a few minutes and either grab a magazine, or use google. Write a haiku about a picture you find. I couldn't find my original picture, but this one carries the feeling fairly well.

I like haiku....good ones are like See's Candy. Just take a few and savor the moment!





Here I go:





Black and White Romance

Cold air Cannot Cool ardor

Penguins are kissing







OK, now it's your turn!

Why do I always write when I am unhappy?

It seems to me that when my life shatters around me (even in a small way), I pick up the pieces, arrange them in a pleasing fashion, and then send them out into the oblivion of the internet. This somehow both makes me feel better as well as feel heard....which is funny, cause I only know of one person who regularly reads this blog.

And I don't do it for her, though I like it when she reads. Mostly, I find myself hoping that those who read it are time wasters I do not know, who, when they do (or sometimes do not) have a few minutes, give in to that siren above labeled "Next Blog."

It's like a roulette wheel isn't it? You never know what could happen. Sure you get stuff in Japanese, or someone trying to sell you performance enhancing drugs, but sometimes you find small gems, miracles even.

Maybe I'm addicted because I hit the jack-pot my first time? See the link on the side? To the Librarian's site? She's awesome! Because of her, I will have recommended titles to last my whole life!

So I guess I like to pretend that other people play roulette too, and that they find my blog. In my head, they read everything, enjoy it, think I'm unique (that's very important in many of my fantasies) etc.

I guess this is the essence of what appeals to me about blogging. It's a safe way to share my near-deepest secrets/fledgling artistic impulses with some people I know and, somehow, everyone I don't know.

Beyond that, it gives my writing purpose. It can feel fruitless otherwise.

So why am I writing tonight? Because I had an emotional crisis this week? I did actually, but I didn't write about it, I told my boyfriend instead.

I think I'm writing, slightly, because I miss it, partially, because I was inspired by the author of Awkward Things, and, mostly, because my boyfriend is in Utah and I have nothing to do on a three-day weekend!

How pathetic that sounds.


But still, it is annoying to have your love/therapist/chief source of entertainment fly away when you're on holiday.



.....I guess what I'm saying is, I'd like to apologize to you, my invisible, yet assuredly intelligent, friends for not posting much lately. Everything that has happened to me lately has been either excruciating and therefore artistic energy sapping (very few things), or peaceful and wonderful (most things).


So guess what World Wide Web? I'm in love.


....Not that anyone's paying attention.