My Songs

It was bonding time. Liann, my Resident Assistant, asked us to go around the circle and share our Theme Song. I didn't know what to pick. Of course, it was important to me. I love my personality, and I love defining it for myself and others. I also love music. Here was an opportunity to define myself with song, a fabulous form of communication, but I could not think of what it would be. Dissatisfied, and a little disgusted, I volunteered what I realize now was my Love Theme Song. Everyone, "Awwwed," and I tried to retain my self-respect.


When I Fall in Love

When I fall in love it will be forever
Or Ill never fall in love
In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before its begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give my heart it will be completely
Or Ill never give my heart
And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you.

Cheesy, but adequate. Really, I only need the first two lines to describe my attitude toward love. It probably wasn't a very smart attitude, but it did come true. I finally fell in love, and it will be forever. As a child I thought it would be great, and make the most sense, to marry the first man I dated. Well, I am going to do that, but it took five years of off and on dating to get there.


(But it is kind of nice to know he is the only man I've ever loved, and that I'm the only woman he's ever loved.)


As I've matured and discovered what love really is, I find it nearly impossible to find a song to actually describe this ever changing, constantly surprising, and exquisitely more dear every day feeling.

However, because I am planning my wedding, I have been forced to do this very thing. The best Chris and I could come up with (and I really think we did quite well), was an old favorite from one of our favorite movies.

Proof that there is a hopeless romantic in each of us:


Beauty and the Beast

Tale as old as time
True as it can be
Barely even friends
Then somebody bends
Unexpectedly

Just a little change
Small to say the least
Both a little scared
Neither one prepared
Beauty and the beast

Ever just the same
Ever a surprise
Ever just as sure
Ever as before
As the sun will rise

Certain as the sun
Rising in the east
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the beast



Now don't misunderstand, Chris may be hairy, but he is NOT a beast! I hope I don't have to add a disclaimer to my Wedding Song....

But I really do think this is a good way to tell our story. What was once so surprising has become the surest thing in my life. He is a great source of strength and luster to my world. (And yes, I just glanced at him fondly, though he doesn't know because he is sleeping on my couch.)


Anyway, back to my college years, while I did not come up with my perfect Theme Song at the perfect moment, I did, of course, realize what it was about a month [too]later.

If I had Wings

If I had wings no one would ask me should I fly
The bird sings, no one asks why.
I can see in myself wings as I feel them
If you see something else, keep your thoughts to yourself,
I’ll fly free then.

Yesterday’s eyes see their colors fading away
They see their sun turning to grey
You can’t share in a dream, that you don’t believe in
If you say that you see and pretend to be me
You won’t be then.

How can you ask if I’m happy goin’ my way?
You might as well ask a child at play!
There’s no need to discuss or understand me
I won’t ask of myself to become something else
I’ll just be me!

If I had wings no one would ask me should I fly
The bird sings, and no one asks her why.
I can see in myself wings as I feel them
If you see something else, keep your thoughts to yourself,
I’ll fly free then.

So I was finally satisfied. Here was a song to define me as undefinable, along with free and unique.

I thought I was done, but I was wrong.


A few months ago, at a Relief Society Enrichment Meeting, a music lesson brought up the old question, "What is your theme song." The teacher went beyond, saying that we should have several songs for different things. She quoted research on the usefulness of having a personal Fight Song.

Well, fortunately, I figured out mine almost immediately. I picked the song that most inspires me to action (Yes, me and action, sometimes we get together).

(It is from the FABULOUS musical The Scarlet Pimpernel)

Into the Fire


David walked into the valley

With a stone clutched in his hand

He was only a boy

But he knew someone must take a stand



There will always be a valley

Always mountains one must scale

There will always be perilous waters

Which someone must sail



Into valleys, into waters

Into jungles, into hell

Let us ride, let us ride home again with a story to tell

Into darkness, into danger

Into storms that rip the night

Don't give in, but give up

But give thanks for the glorious fight



You can tremble, you can fear it

But keep your fighting spirit alive boys

Let the shiver of it sting you

Fling into battle, spring to your feet boys

Never hold back your step for a moment

Never doubt that your courage will grow

Hold your head even higher and into the fire we go 



Are there mountains that surround us?

Are there walls that block the way?

Knock 'em down, strip 'em back boys

And forward and into the fray



Into terror, into valour

Charge ahead, no, never turn

Yes, it's into the fire we fly

And the devil will burn



Someone has to face the valley

Rush in, we have to rally and win boys

When the world is saying not to

By God, you know you've got to march on, boys

Never hold back your step for a moment

Never doubt that your courage will grow

Hold your head ever higher and into the fire we go 



Let the lightning strike

Let the flash of it shock you

Choke your fears away

Pull as tight as a wire

Let the fever strike

Let the force of it rock you

We will have our day, sailing into the fire



Someone has to face the valley

Rush in! We have to rally and win boys

When the world is saying not to

By God, you know you've got to march on, boys

Never hold back your step for a moment

Look alive! Oh, your courage will grow

Yes, it's higher and higher and into the fire we go

Into fire!

Onward, ho! 

I love this song, because it teaches the importance of the "Someones" in our lives. We can choose to let someone take care of things, or we can stand up and volunteer to be Someone.


So there they are, a few thoughts on my four songs, written with four people and the television distracting me.

Haiku Challenge

So I was playing around with Facebook and I made a penguin picture on Superwall....it reminded of a haiku I wrote in college that I was very proud of. Haiku are traditionally about nature, so we were asked to go through a National Graphic and choose something as our inspiration.

Here's where the challenge comes in! I'd like all of you to do the same. Just take a few minutes and either grab a magazine, or use google. Write a haiku about a picture you find. I couldn't find my original picture, but this one carries the feeling fairly well.

I like haiku....good ones are like See's Candy. Just take a few and savor the moment!





Here I go:





Black and White Romance

Cold air Cannot Cool ardor

Penguins are kissing







OK, now it's your turn!

Why do I always write when I am unhappy?

It seems to me that when my life shatters around me (even in a small way), I pick up the pieces, arrange them in a pleasing fashion, and then send them out into the oblivion of the internet. This somehow both makes me feel better as well as feel heard....which is funny, cause I only know of one person who regularly reads this blog.

And I don't do it for her, though I like it when she reads. Mostly, I find myself hoping that those who read it are time wasters I do not know, who, when they do (or sometimes do not) have a few minutes, give in to that siren above labeled "Next Blog."

It's like a roulette wheel isn't it? You never know what could happen. Sure you get stuff in Japanese, or someone trying to sell you performance enhancing drugs, but sometimes you find small gems, miracles even.

Maybe I'm addicted because I hit the jack-pot my first time? See the link on the side? To the Librarian's site? She's awesome! Because of her, I will have recommended titles to last my whole life!

So I guess I like to pretend that other people play roulette too, and that they find my blog. In my head, they read everything, enjoy it, think I'm unique (that's very important in many of my fantasies) etc.

I guess this is the essence of what appeals to me about blogging. It's a safe way to share my near-deepest secrets/fledgling artistic impulses with some people I know and, somehow, everyone I don't know.

Beyond that, it gives my writing purpose. It can feel fruitless otherwise.

So why am I writing tonight? Because I had an emotional crisis this week? I did actually, but I didn't write about it, I told my boyfriend instead.

I think I'm writing, slightly, because I miss it, partially, because I was inspired by the author of Awkward Things, and, mostly, because my boyfriend is in Utah and I have nothing to do on a three-day weekend!

How pathetic that sounds.


But still, it is annoying to have your love/therapist/chief source of entertainment fly away when you're on holiday.



.....I guess what I'm saying is, I'd like to apologize to you, my invisible, yet assuredly intelligent, friends for not posting much lately. Everything that has happened to me lately has been either excruciating and therefore artistic energy sapping (very few things), or peaceful and wonderful (most things).


So guess what World Wide Web? I'm in love.


....Not that anyone's paying attention.

Choosing the Right

Sometimes it's a comfort
to know you were right
all along
but sometimes
it'd be nice
if you were right right now
cause that would mean
you were
wrong last time

It isn't fun to doubt yourself
but sometimes it gives you hope
in things that cannot be
that you've already decided against
because it makes sense
to be against
that which makes sense
somehow

And logic votes both for and against
but instinct and God are conspiring
against loneliness
to keep you safe
from yourself
by yourself

and you yourself know
what you will do
because you make the same choice
every time
but you have to arrive
from a new place
with new tools
in a new mind
remembering right
again

Hannah wears a hat

Today I met Hannah, and now I cannot stop thinking about her. At first, I just looked and looked. I had heard of her, but was in no way prepared for the impression she made on me. I came home determined to learn more about her. Surely, all I had to do was google her name?




Hannah wears a hat

Hannah doesn't run, she rides

Hannah has her own space and everyone has to respect it

Hannah is petite

Hannah is always late

According to google, Hannah Wang is a model





***

Hannah wears a hat

because she has no hair

Hannah doesn't run, she rides

because her bones are brittle from osteoporosis

Hannah has her own space and everyone has to respect it

so they don't hurt her

Hannah is petite

because her body cannot grow the way it should

Hannah is always late

because a full day of school would be too taxing

Hannah Wang is a fourth grader, but google has never heard of her


Hannah Wang has progeria

Coward Pt. II

So you take a chance.

You bite the bullet.

You try to be noble, to be responsible. You take one for the team, for the world.

Who are you to waste your life being happy?

So you steel yourself for adulthood and make yourself sick in the process. You want to die. You can’t eat because there’s no room in your stomach. Your body is as unwilling to let go as your mind.

You can’t relax.

You can’t let go of the worry, the fear.

It would be easier with a partner, either professionally or socially. A teammate to share the responsibility of your life with.

You’re good at making decisions, but you don’t like having the last say. It’s easier with someone more sure, someone to refer to.

You don’t like stopping the buck.

You don’t like holding the destinies of other people’s children in your hands.

Somehow, you know it will be different with your own children, you’ll definitely have a partner then. And they come one at a time. And you love them more than yourself even before they are born. You love them now.

But you don’t have them now.

So you have to do something else.

Because you feel guilty just waiting around.

So you take a chance.

But you still can’t relax.

Coward

Do you know what it is to walk through life knowing that mediocre for you is still better than what most people can produce? So you never rise to your full potential because you don’t need to.

It’s only a half victory to be praised for what you know is really just a pathetic attempt, a last-minute, scrapped together, half-hearted effort.

Even though you know it is good, it’ll never be as good as you knew it could be. Any accomplishment is over-shadowed by what it should have been, by what you know you are capable of.

Is it wrong to be used to seeming amazing to most others? To be apathetic about your own impressiveness? You don’t like caring what most people think about you, it protects you from their negativity, but it also makes their praise seem less valuable.

But you still go on knowing your potential and value....you just never seem to do anything about it. And you wonder if you’ll ever really do something amazing, truly amazing. You have suspicion of your own greatness, but you don’t know if you’ll ever realize it. You slog along in the ditches of humanity, feeling alone in the concourses of people you love. You’re happy, but never really content.

You could break free, you could go climb a mountain, or start a rebellion, but it would be a lot of work, and it would take far too long.

You don’t need glory, but it would be nice to feel alive with purpose instead of potential. You don’t need accomplishment, but if you’ve never truly felt it, can you really know?

And then you realize that you are a coward. You are afraid of working too hard, of feeling too much. You are disdainful of human realities, but by refusing to partake, you deny yourself and all mankind the blessed prospect of your creations.

Whatever they might be.