29 August, 2007

Coward Pt. II

So you take a chance.

You bite the bullet.

You try to be noble, to be responsible. You take one for the team, for the world.

Who are you to waste your life being happy?

So you steel yourself for adulthood and make yourself sick in the process. You want to die. You can’t eat because there’s no room in your stomach. Your body is as unwilling to let go as your mind.

You can’t relax.

You can’t let go of the worry, the fear.

It would be easier with a partner, either professionally or socially. A teammate to share the responsibility of your life with.

You’re good at making decisions, but you don’t like having the last say. It’s easier with someone more sure, someone to refer to.

You don’t like stopping the buck.

You don’t like holding the destinies of other people’s children in your hands.

Somehow, you know it will be different with your own children, you’ll definitely have a partner then. And they come one at a time. And you love them more than yourself even before they are born. You love them now.

But you don’t have them now.

So you have to do something else.

Because you feel guilty just waiting around.

So you take a chance.

But you still can’t relax.

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