11 December, 2008

Is it the Spirit....or is it just gas?

Inspired by the ever faithful Liz and Nicole, my hilarious/intelligent cousin, and my new Token Asian Friend, I have decided to be a more faithful blogger (we'll see what happens).

So here it is:

Attention: This is a slightly LDS-centric post because, well, I'm LDS. If you are confused by anything you read here, check out mormon.org, or wikipedia

Is it the Spirit....or is it Just Gas?

It was only a mild surprise on Sunday, to see the bishop of our ward beckoning to me during Sunday School. Hadn't I joked with Chiemi two days before about replacing her as Primary 1st councilor (we decided that I was needed as chorister too much)? So I followed him to his office, sat down, and exchanged the usual pleasantries. "Sister Puppé," the bishop asked, "did your husband tell you I called him to be the ward mission leader today?" What? Not only was I getting Chiemi's calling, Chris was getting her husband's!

Hilarious, right?

He then continued, "And I'd like to call you to be the ward Primary President."



....Of course I accepted. I know the call was from the Lord. But there was still that little....wait, you mean me? feeling.

Funnily enough, the thought had crossed my mind that morning. My mind's response? "Yeah right, that'll never happen *mind-snort."

Everyone struggles with every calling, no matter how involved it is, I know I have, and everyone has different fears when it comes to each one.


Teach under-twelve-year-olds the gospel?--No Problem
Come up with ideas to acheive this?--Piece of Cake
Learn an entire program backwards and forwards?--Bring it on

(Wait, did I just steal all of those lines from Cuzco? So much for creativity.)

But there are Three things that scare me about this calling. I'm talking literally PETRIFY.

1) I have to be Organized (okay, I can do this when it really matters, it's just so darn hard!)
2) I have to be in charge of the Money (right, I can also do this, it just doesn't come naturally)
3) I have to make Decisions (here's where the petrification part comes in)

Okay, now let me explain. I am a pretty self-assured, intelligent person. I admire and respect myself, and my abilities. But when it comes to big decisions, or receiving Revelation I get pretty intimidated.

I mean, it took me a year and a half to decide to marry my husband!

Still, I knew I'd be okay once I chose my councilors (and replaced myself as chorister), but I had to hurry. You see, I was called and set apart the same day so that the new Stake Directories would be up to date.

Chiemi is still doing sharing time, thank goodness, but the rest of the former presidency will be out of town!

Okay, on to the dilemma of my post!

How do you know if what you're feeling is the spirit or something else? (emotion, wishful thinking, gas....) Here I am agonizing over names, wishing for a voice or that over-powering, perfectly right feeling , or something. Okay, I didn't really expect a voice, but the feeling? Where's the impression, the thought, the peace?

I don't mean to complain, but I've been so frustrated. So of course, instead of having faith/hope/patience or any of those other necessary qualities, I start hammering on myself. (What's wrong with me? Why does this scare me so much? Where's the Spirit?) and all those other stupid things we say to ourselves instead of doing the faith/hope/patience thing.

So by last night, I'd worked myself into a frenzy. Earlier in the afternoon, I'd pretty much decided on my councilors, but then I began to doubt. It was so subtle, what if I misunderstood? Surely I'd feel more strong, more sure. Round and round, and over and over, spinning, searching, praying, crying, self-rebuking, and still feeling lost. Upon reaching the heaving, sobbing-into-husband's-chest stage, the logical portion of my brain broke free and said, "Wait! This isn't normal! This feels like crazy hormones." Ah, yes, my old enemies. They ignore me throughout my teen years and then pounce unexpectedly at 22. Good old hormones.

(Now you're probably thinking maybe I'm just imbalanced, imature, or some other im....but if I notice a pattern to these crazy times, who are you to tell me otherwise.)

At this point, I realized further thought/worry on the subject would be the opposite of productive, so I put it aside, requested a blessing from my husband, and went to sleep. (Consequentally, I have a renewed appreciation for the power of the priesthood, and the incredible strength and worthiness of priesthood holders)

So today, determined to do things right, I start from scratch, feeling almost nothing, but in general a few little hints.

Guess what? Same two names.
Guess what else? I'm starting to have some doubts....


Ms. Liz said...

You know I have about a 1000 thoughts for you after reading this and the principle one is how excited I am for you.

The other big one is that the Spirit is the Language of Revelation and its just that, a language. You learn it in snippets.

I could call you later today with the rest of my thoughts if you want but I know you'll be majestically all right.

Quixotic Healer said...

I've stopped being so silly/hard on myself. I did have a bad moment on Friday when I called the Bishop to tell him my councilors, and then he said that one of them (the one I was *most sure about) has a stake calling!

For a split second I wondered if the Lord was messing with me, lol.

But I've got someone else in mind that I feel pretty good about, so it's all good now...

Rich Sanders said...

Well there's a trick to knowing whether or not a feleing is form god. And that is to ask someone else because I don't know.

Also props for the catchy title, but I know you included "gas" on your list just to support the title, since... I don't think anyone has ever confused gas with "pure intelligence flowing into you".

Rich Sanders said...

Oh, and thanks for the shout out!

Quixotic Healer said...

Lol, but what about confusing gas with "a stupor of thought." My gut is heavily related to my emotion (probably why I have colitis).

Emotion....probably the problem in the first place.

Chiemi said...

I was reading up on your past entries and saw this one! I totally thought how crazy it was that we were JUST talking about how you might take my calling and then you got called to president! Which by the way I am sure you are doing and AWESOME job!