03 September, 2009

If this guy can get published, so can you!

Interested in reading something truly awful? Awful, as in, horribly, grotesquely funny, but somehow still a published work of fiction??

Click HERE. And don't forget to read the introduction.

(By way of warning, some of you may find this a tad indecent. I find it too ridiculous to be titillating, but if you're worried, I would recommend you stay away from the second link that leads to pages 98-99)

And please tell me: Which is your favorite metaphor?


Jenny said...


There are too many metaphors to choose from, but I will pick only two...

"Her hair was a helmet..."

"Her tongue was a ferret..."

Okay, ONE more.

"...her toes were snails, they were snails with shells of tears."

Wow, I can't believe this got published!

Chiemi said...

LOL. That is just too much. The fact that he was able to get published is ridiculous.

"Her thighs were geese, pythons, schooners."

Umm yeah that sounds really flattering.

Rebekah said...

So, I read the first few sentences and was bored. All these novels are boring. Life isn't like that. Really, it's as if the people who write these things have never had sex before. =P

Quixotic Healer said...

Ha ha Beka, I understand, I found this months ago, but I never read the whole thing until today. Skip first five paragraphs if you want, it keeps getting more and more ridiculous.

J & C: Good choices!

My new favorite for today was:

"Her spine was a viper, an anaconda. It was the strength of the anaconda. It was the anaconda's unknown hieroglyphic."


Or the typos ha ha.

Rebekah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amy said...

Retarded!!! That WAS painful... Ooooh. That's all I can say. PAIN-FULL!

Favorite metaphor? I was like WTF! all the way through. Lol. Thanks for sharing!

A Paperback Writer said...

Unfortunately, publishers aren't necessarily looking for good writing; they're looking for writing that will sell. There's a difference much of the time.

Quixotic Healer said...

I don't know why this was ever expected to sell, ha ha!

Mr. Hall said...

"Her ears were a puzzle carved in ivory. . ." O yeah, baby! Can't you just hear Barry White singing that line! Wouldn't that just melt your heart. . . your heart is a fawn galloping like a steed through the midnight canyon, a cup of wine spilling through the night, foxtail, amaranth, budding daisy of a newborn day. . . heart beating--the wings of bird pooping on a novel--metaphors, similies, analogies, pointless, splattered upon the page in endless dialogue with itself, causing the heart--the heart like dillweed blossoming, to beat within the chest of the author and scream for the reader to beat, Beat, BEat, BEAt, BEAT the @&%! out of all the metaphors, similies, figurative language that have been crapped on this page and killed any semblance of desire!

*I'm sorry, I got a little carried away--the style is so inspiring that I could not help but take the author's lead. . . :)
**p.s. I can honestly say that I have never read a work where an author has described pubes (and used metaphor with it) before--that is nothing short of amazing and deserves a Pulitzer. . .

Quixotic Healer said...

Ha ha hahaahha! Brett.

Yeah, that's groundbreaking stuff right there :)