Pyroclastic Techniques

Psst!

2010-12-14T12:52:00.000-08:00

Dunno if you've heard, but I have a new blog!

In Which I Try My Photography Skills....

2010-11-10T12:01:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah, we have a baby now...

2010-11-10T10:02:00.000-08:00

I've been remiss.

9-9-10 we had a beautiful, healthy baby boy. Peter Isaiah was born at 2:57 pm, 8 lbs, 13 oz, 20.5 ins. (Labor/Birth post to come)

We love him :)

The Photoshoot

2010-07-28T13:01:00.000-07:00

Some of you know that I won a free photoshoot in a contest a few months back. The Photographer, Kellie, of That's So You Photography, and I agreed that, since I was pregnant, we should wait until I was closer to term and make it a maternity shoot.

This was quite amazing, since I had been secretly wanting a maternity shoot, but didn't think I could bring myself to pay for pictures of a baby that wasn't even born yet! I had planned on hiring her down the road to take pictures of my little man, but I'm SO glad I got to have these done!

We met at Heritage Park in Cerritos on a Saturday morning. Kellie was great. I was the one who stepped in dog doo, leaned on ant trails, and laid in bird pee. What can I say? Nature loves me!

Anyway, enough about that, here are the pictures!!!

I think this one is my favorite...but I'm having a very hard time deciding!

Ack! See? I like this one too!

In case you didn't know by now, I don't like wearing shoes...

As you can see, Kellie is a very talented photographer (not to mention a great person and friend!). I am often amazed at how good she is at photographing children, and I am excited to have her help documenting the little personalities that join our family.

Only one more month till I get to meet my baby boy!

Rumble-Jumble

2010-05-25T11:23:00.001-07:00

I should never make open-ended promises that are online where no one (except myself) can hold me accountable. Remember poems? I might actually do them someday (who knows), so I won't apologize for not doing them, just in case.

Remember how I'm pregnant? So far it's great. I'm not going to blog about that either. This blog is mostly for philosophizing and puking up angst and so far I haven't needed to do that. (Thank goodness).

Confession: I have never seen Forest Gump. Or Grease. Which do you find more shocking?

Confession II: I don't usually let myself get excited for movies. Either I have confidence they'll be good, so why get excited, or I have a sneaking suspicion they'll be sub-par and I don't want to get my hopes up.

Still, there are two movies in the "Summer Blockbuster" category that I'm actually excited about. Sadly, they'll probably both be very cheesy and have bad dialogue, but hey, I'm still excited cause, well...they look cool.

There's The Last Airbender (See two awesome previews here). Doesn't that just look awesome? I'm excited for way they combine martial arts with the elements. These look like fight scenes that will be enjoyable to watch, in that they are actually beautiful. (Like those space battles in Star Trek. Thank you Mr. Abrams.)

And, of course, The A-Team (trailer). I have such fond memories of that show. The creative element is so fun (and probably the reason I like Burn Notice so much). I love Liam Neeson, and I've heard good things about the guy playing Murdock. I have a special place in my heart for Dwight Schultz, so this new guy better live up to expectations!!

Those films will probably not be my favorite of the summer, but since most people don't talk about or show previews for the types of movies I love, who knows what they will be.

I've been on a non-fiction kick (very strange for me). Right now I'm reading Understanding Child Development by my old professor A. Lynn Scoresby. Great man, great book. I saved it from college. Nugget for the day? Did you know that your brain grows two ways? It grows based on biological cues (that you have no control over), which continue until you are fully grown/developed. But also from mental stimulation (which you do control) that can continue over a lifetime. In fact, research shows that when you keep your brain active it stops aging.

Cool huh?

The other recent thing I learned is about the sensitive periods that exist for human beings. These key opportunities for learning coincide with rapid physical growth. Scientists have theorized that the sensitive period for emotional growth is from birth to five years, for mathematical, birth to five years, and linguistic, birth to ten years. These things can still be learned after that time, but children are more susceptible to them during their early years. As an educator, this kind of makes me sad, because it is easy to pick out the children that do not have one of these learning needs met in their home.

So, parents of the world, don't wait for your kids to start Kindergarten and expect them to thrive when they get there. If they're ready to learn something, go for it!

Two most important things you can do? (in my opinion)
1. Teach them about books by reading to them and making books available to them.
2. Have conversations with them on many subjects (i.e. people, behavior, the world).

I'm not a parent yet, but I've studied a lot about children and how they work/think/learn. You've just received my two cents.

That's all for now folks. I wrote this post to prove to myself that I always have something to say and should write more....who knows, maybe I will.

But I'm not making any promises.

Participate in Graduate Research....if you wanna.

2010-04-07T11:21:00.000-07:00

Hey, I just filled out a survey for a girl who's doing her thesis on Internet Folklore, specifically blogging (Yeah, for real). If you are interested in helping her, you can find the survey here. The more research she gets, the more accurate her study will be.

Two participants will receive $100 Target Gift Cards!!!

Oh! And also, for those of you who use Google Reader, I have a new header on my blog, come check it out!

Guess what?

2010-04-05T13:58:00.000-07:00

It's a boy!

"Wee Manny," or "Posy"?

2010-04-01T10:56:00.000-07:00

When we were little, I was my Grannie's "Posy" and all the boy cousins were "Wee Mannies" (except for my eldest brother who, as the eldest, had the distinction of being her "Wee Man").

My mother used to tell people that she had one princess and four frogs.

Now it's my turn. Whatever will we have? :)

You can VOTE over there ------>

From there to here

2010-03-03T15:14:00.000-08:00

You may remember when I felt like this.

And I told you when I felt like this.

But I did not tell very many about this (newly imported from my private journal).

Not even this or this.

And certainly not this.

But I feel much more comfortable sharing a look into this most intimate journey I have been on, because of THIS.

What do you think?

2010-03-03T11:13:00.000-08:00

I've wondered lately about my life, and my calling responsibilities in particular.

I've fretted and worried about my abilities, or lack thereof, specifically organization, and decision making....things that do not come naturally to me, but I know are important.

So that must be why I was called to this position?

To learn these important lessons, to "make weak things strong unto [me]".

But sometimes I wonder, if perhaps that's why we have councilors and secretaries, to even out the load, to fill in for each others' lack. Perhaps this is a way for weak things to become strong.

So that must be why I was called to this position?

To share important burdens, to jointly fill essential needs.

But also I ponder (and apparently others do too), that perhaps I already have within me, all that is required. That my abilities, my strengths: calmness, love, innovation, knowledge, and teaching are perhaps the most important things that can be given to those I serve.

And that is why I was chosen for this position?

To fret less about what is hard and unnatural for me, and instead to invest my time, "Improv[ing] the Shining Moments". Taking what is best about me, and giving it all my effort.

I don't know. Perhaps all three?

What do you think?

In the meantime: Riddles!

2010-02-19T17:17:00.000-08:00

While you wait for me to ~~stop procrastinating~~ write your poems, here are some riddles to keep you busy! If you are the first to solve, there may even be a prize!

___________________________________________________

Vanguard of my family, Crowded by my enemy

Known for equanimity, Home to anemone

Chosen to complete my task

Trained in service while at home

To serve my liege is all I ask

Soon I’ll be allowed to roam

And join my sisters in their quest

Learn to dance the aged routine

Seek and find gold without rest

And offer treasure to my Queen.

Note: Using google is cheating, but collaborating with a friend is teamwork!

Poetry on Demand

2010-02-12T12:51:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to be more creative, and so I'm asking for your help with an experiment.

Do you think I could write poetry on demand? Let's find out.

Please comment and I will do my best to write about you (or another person/subject of your choice).

If I don't know you, leave your blog address so I can do a little spying.

I think poetry (of all kinds) is eminently appropriate for the Valentine's season, don't you?

WARNING: These poems will most likely be abstract, confusing drabbles. I can't help how my mind works!

We all feel like this sometimes....right?

2010-01-10T16:53:00.000-08:00

My life is filling up with wonderful, frightening things.

I feel like God has certain things he needs me to learn, and learn fast, before becoming a parent and splitting my focus.

I feel like I must be the most spiritual, the most organized, the most worthy, the most loving, and the most determined I've ever been in my whole life.

I'm going to be awesome, but I'm terrified.

I've never liked hard work.

There is a war within me. A war between growth and comfort, rightness and ease.

Succeeding is so important to me, but I want it to be easy.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Perhaps it is a blessing I have no child as of yet. I've never been a good multi-tasker.

Hello life. Please don't hurt me!

Now is the time.

Now.

Now.

Now.

Such Words

2009-12-21T01:16:00.000-08:00

It is interesting to be named for a woman so associated with motherhood. I have always felt such a kinship with her. A woman of pure virtue, a woman of beauty, I always dreamed of playing her on stage, singing songs about her, or being discovered by an artist, certain that I am the very vision of her, and must be the model for his painting.

I also dreamed of and gloried in coming motherhood, from childhood even. I have always been, profoundly, a future mother.

As I grew older, I knew this to be my chosen path, more important than any career. College was for growth, and development of talents and interests, and to a lesser degree preparation for a possible income.

Surely I would have many children. Why bother waiting? All I needed was the right man, someone I could share every bit of myself with and one who desired children in the way I did. What a glorious future!

(This pause is for laughing/eye-rolling etc.)

Now, my hopes are so solid in comparison to my girlish dreams. They are more specific, more based in reality. I watch friends planning on having a few children giving birth right and left.

We, the little family with grand plans, wait, wait, wait.

Somehow Barren Tree is more a companion, than tiny seedling.

And Mary…Mary!

My hero, my guide.

For the first time in my life, her story gives me pain.

The beautiful, transforming words, “Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favour with God. And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb…,” prick my heart.

Please, Lord, let such words be for me.

Byronic: Jane Eyre as told by Alanis Morissette

2009-12-10T13:10:00.000-08:00

If you're not familiar with Alanis Morissette, you can listen to the original here.

And in case you wanna sing along, here's the karaoke version:

(Spoilers ahead)

"Byronic"

A young man brooded alone
Waiting for someone to speak to his soul
Until here you come a quiet fool
And before you know it into his arms you’ve flown
And isn't it Byronic... don't you think

Then a man shows up on your wedding day
Your dreams are shattered cause your fiancé
Has a wife in the attic that he’s hidden away
Who would've thought... it figures

No matter what you do what is right
You pack your suitcase and tell him goodbye
He’s so confident that you’ll do what he says
But you sneak out in the middle of the night
And isn't it Byronic... don't you think

Cause the man showed up on your wedding day
Your dreams were shattered cause your fiancé
Had a wife in the attic that he’d hidden away
Who would've thought... it figures

Tall, Dark, and Handsome face, doesn’t mean that it’s alright
When he won’t give you space, and has arrogance to match his charm
But ”Mad, Bad, and Dangerous” doesn’t mean he can’t love
You till the end of time and through all obstacles
In your way

A secret cousin who takes you in
A random inheritance gives you freedom from him
Then you’re hearing voices that change your life
Your love’s been blinded by a fire
Set by his crazy wife
And isn't it Byronic...don't you think?
A little too Byronic...and, yeah, I really do think...

When that man showed up on your wedding day
And dreams were shattered cause your fiancé
Had a wife in the attic that he’d hidden away
You should've thought... it figures

Tall, Dark, and Handsome face haunting your dreams at night
”Mad, Bad, and Dangerous” ways telling you he’s no white knight
He’s no white knight

Still nothing.

2009-10-21T09:10:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning. Stretched. I've made a goal that I will put a few things away in my room every time I'm in there, even before visiting the restroom.

On the way to my dresser, I began to sneeze. Suddenly, it was imperative that I get to the bathroom.

I made it through the sneeze, and the second one.

WAIT! What's this? A third sneeze? But! I....

I peed.

Just a little.

I don't even feel humiliated.

It just seems unfair.

I'm not even pregnant.

Then this would be a lot cooler.

You know....as far as peeing your pants goes.

Spread the Word

2009-10-10T12:52:00.000-07:00

Watch THIS:

Does it bother anyone else that world hunger is on the Rise?

Let's get the dialog going.

How will we spread the word?

This T-shirt site has a weekly themed design contest. This week's theme is: "Erase Hunger, Create Hope"

A few of the artists have even pledged half the prize if they win.

Here are some of the most inspiring designs:

1

2

3

These designers have used their talents to share the message.

What talents do you have?

How will you spread the word?

How will I?

If this guy can get published, so can you!

2009-09-03T14:13:00.000-07:00

Interested in reading something truly awful? Awful, as in, horribly, grotesquely funny, but somehow still a published work of fiction??

Click HERE. And don't forget to read the introduction.

(By way of warning, some of you may find this a tad indecent. I find it too ridiculous to be titillating, but if you're worried, I would recommend you stay away from the second link that leads to pages 98-99)

And please tell me: Which is your favorite metaphor?

Usually, I let these sort of thoughts pass me by

2009-08-21T14:15:00.000-07:00

As a child I didn't think I was very pretty, not ugly either, just not pretty. Either way, it didn't really concern me. As I got older, I was told my coloring was very unique, or that my big, blue eyes were beautiful, and that comforted me. I decided I was unusual. Not pretty in the classic sense, but pretty in a different sense, which, in a way, was almost better. I certainly thought my eyes were prettier than all others I'd seen.

Then I met her.

I have this friend. She kind of looks like me. Sometimes people wonder if we're related.

We're both tall and slender, but she's taller, with thinner legs.

We both have fair skin, but hers is acne, scar, and even freckle free.

We have the same dark hair, hers more expertly coiffed.

Our eyes are the same color, but hers are larger, her lashes longer and thicker.

Her lips are more full, her eyebrows more symmetrical.

While my face is round, hers is longer and thinner, and her cheekbones! Did you know I have a thing about cheekbones? Hers are positively regal, elven even.

We even have the same name.

And yet.

I could never envision a trade. There was no trait so seductive I'd give up a part of myself for it. There has never been anything about her situation that I'd trade for my own.

Until now.

Congratulations my friend.

25 Random Things I've DONE: Indiscretions of my Past and Present

2009-08-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

Scroll down to read the NEWLY ADDED 11 and 12!

1. For years, whenever I used the bathroom in someone else's house, I'd check to make sure there was no one behind the shower curtain....I've gotten over that particular fear though, ahuhu

2. When I was 15, my friends and I would get really annoyed with the interruptions from this group of boys in our early morning seminary class. One night, when we were babysitting at the church for some Relief Society function, we brought red and pink paper and markers with us and "Heart Attacked" our classroom with Valentines to and from the two worst (we thought) boys, declaring their love for each other (I'm not saying their names cause they turned out really well, and are nice guys). We put hearts all over the walls and chairs, and we decorated the chalkboards. In the morning, we arrived to find that the teacher had left EVERYTHING up! Apparently she too was annoyed by their jokes and comments in class. All she did was erase the chalkboard that she needed for her lesson. Those poor guys....we made them look foolish and accused them of being gay....and I'm sure they never suspected the home-schoolers!!! I never really felt bad about this....cause it was just a joke, but there were a few other times where I was just plain rude to them (Me? Yes. ME.) and I do regret that.

3. One night after mutual (church meeting for youth), my friend discovered a pair of lacy, RED panties in the bushes by the church. Being the creative girls we were (and apparently very innocent and unconcerned with STDs), we hatched a plan to take them and place them on the antenna of this guy the next morning at seminary. (I think we chose him because he was usually out after us, and he parked his car around the corner....at least....I hope that's why we picked him). Anyway, my friend (ah heck, who cares. It was Chrissy) took the undies home, and brought them the next day in a plastic bag. The deed was done, and we had the thrill, but no pay-off....until a week later. Fortunately, this guy happened to have a little sister who was also a dear friend. She told us the strange, and scintillating, tale of the mysterious red underwear on her brother's car (he was a good boy and went straight home to tell his mother). Poor kid, he'd probably never seen "Satan's Panties" before. Home-schoolers strike again!

4. A friend and I once got into a fake fight on Myspace. We had discussed it, and then my friend acted on it, so I retaliated. Basically the idea was to see who were the type of people that would be curious enough to ask, and who would ignore the drama....it was kind of silly, sorry if I offended you.

5. Ooh! Another fake fight. I call this one, "YOU BETRAYED MY TRUST!" On April Fool's Day '04 my friend (later roommate) Becky and I had a shouting match in my dorm room. She promptly slammed the door and went to her room. I then opened the door, shouted, "And don't slam my door!" and then slammed my own door. Then we laughed hysterically while IMing each other. It turned out that only one person heard it, but I told Isabelle (Becky's roommate) about it later, and she totally believed me. Then I had to tell her I lied, cause I'm like that.

6. More Myspace. Apparently, I am spontaneous sometimes. I decided, for some reason, that it would be funny to change my Myspace profile picture to a sonogram. I guess I just wanted to confuse people, but no one ever said anything. Maybe they assumed it was a niece or nephew....or maybe they thought I'd gotten married without telling anyone....oh well.

7. For a while, my friends and I had the habit of inserting the words in the phrase someone had just said into this form: I'll _____ YOUR ______.

For example: "Watch out for that stop sign!" became "I'll stop YOUR sign."

It was dumb, and usually dirty. One day a friend tried to come up with something that COULDN'T be made dirty, I think it was "Happy Unicorns." And I immediately replied, "I could make that dirty."

Well, everyone thought that was the FUNNIEST thing. I mean, Mary SANDERS, making things dirty? Are pigs flying? (Yes I had the whole "clean mind" reputation) Truth is, I think in metaphors, so of course I can make anything dirty, just like I can make anything about life, or creativity, or education.

Alas, I have since been known as, Mary Makes-it-Dirty.

(Incidentally, "I'll happy YOUR unicorn" sounds VERY dirty, and I didn't even have to TRY)

8. I never had a crush until the week before my seventeenth birthday, when I "fell" for my friends older brother (along with a bunch of other girls too young for him). Anyway, he arranged this singing group for church, and I totally messed up my part (okay, actually just the beginning, but still). And that's how I learned that embarrassment is a great cure for unrequited....
....infatuation.

9. Ooh, ooh! More stupid things I've where guys are concerned! In college, I had a crush on a guy named Isaac. We ended up walking to school together by chance one morning, and I commiserated with him over a bad cold he had. He mentioned that he'd heard garlic was good for the immune system, and I concurred. We parted, and, being the stupid that I am, that evening I borrowed some of my roommates garlic pills (yes, she knew) and taped them to Isaac's door in a zip-loc bag.

Wait....here's the lame part. I left an anonymous note that said something like, "I heard you were sick, and thought you could use these." He, being the Completely Unsuspicious guy he was (at BYU, no less!), found me on Sunday to ask if they were from me, and thank me for my thoughtfulness.

And....that's all. Nothing came of it. I wonder what happened to him? He was really fun/smart/nice, but didn't date any of the girls that liked him (and there were quite a few). Oh well. Wherever you are, I hope you are happy!

10. What's that? You say you want more embarrassing stories about my former love life [lack thereof]? Hmm.... Well, there was Weston. He was quirky-fun and probably a genius (I've got a weakness for genius). Anyway, I liked him, and thought he might just like me (we went on a hilariously fun date, but I asked....although he did play with my hair once, and let our elbows touch during the movie....). Needless to say, I was confused. It all came to a head the last week of school (deadlines make me brave, aka stupid). Again, I went with the note (this time letter) taped to the door. My version of brave doesn't seem very brave, does it.

Anyway, I told him, if he was interested, he should come see me but, if not, I'd probably see him on Sunday and I hope he had a nice life. I suffered some heartache because, of course, he didn't come....that night. The following night, he called and asked me if we could talk. Let me tell you, this guy is quality. He didn't have feelings for me, but explained that he had spent some time trying to make sure. Basically, he actually thought about it. Then, instead of taking the easy out I had offered him, he came to my apartment to explain in person, and try to comfort me. I cannot tell you the depth of my respect for this guy acting like a man. I was almost glad he broke my heart, cause the way he did it was so....nice.
We emailed a few times. Making sure to wait a week or two in between each one so neither of us would appear overeager (for completely different reasons, of course). Gradually, my feelings faded. And then, of course, I started hanging out with Chris. I actually grew a lot from the experience emotionally. It was a stepping stone to real love, by expanding my ability to feel heartache. I tend to shy away from big feelings, trying to suppress them until I feel safe.

11. College pranks! One year I threw a St. Patrick's Day party for my roommates and some people in my ward (Ah, good old Sparks II). We watched Waking Ned Devine (One of the FUNNIEST movies EVER), and I made Irish Soda Bread (yum!). I also bought some gold wrapped bonbons from Wal-Mart (still need to repent for that....) as a sort of stand-in for leprechaun gold. I told everyone they were "Irish Bonbons" (there's no such thing that I am aware of). Little did they know that I had replaced about half of them with chocolate dipped mushroom caps! I kept waiting and waiting for someone to freak out, and, halfway through the movie, Weston (See #10) went, "Ugh! That's disgusting," and, with a look of analytical concentration, promptly took another bite. Meanwhile, I was dieing of laughter in the kitchen. Everyone thought I'd gone mad, but I explained and they laughed. Then my roommate Isabelle pulled out her half-eaten "bonbon" from where she had hidden it under a cusion, not wanting to hurt my feelings!

12. Once I left my purse upstairs after Sunday School, one of the guys offered to go get it for me, so later, during Relief Society (Women's Meeting) I wrote him a "Sunshine Note" (it was a silly/cutesy college tradition, they had someone in charge of distributing the notes), thanking him for being so nice. Then my roommate Becky asked if I had anything to eat with me (she'd get shaky sometimes from what I think was hypoglycemia). I opened up my purse to grab my half eaten granola bar, but I couldn't find it. I didn't think much of it because I lose things all the time (especially in my purse), but, after church when the notes had been delivered, Josh (just remembered his name) came over to apologize for stealing my granola bar. He felt really bad when he got my thank you note. I gave him a hard time (stealing on Sunday, roommate with hypoglycemia, etc.), but we laughed it off. Apparently he had put it in his pocket upside-down, so it crumbled all over. He left feeling properly punished, I'm sure. Of course, late that night, we removed all the wrappers from one and a half Costco boxes of granola bars and taped them to his door.
We just wanted to make sure he nipped that stealing thing in the bud.

Super! Harry

2009-08-12T00:38:00.000-07:00

Sorry, I saw that hair and just couldn't resist:

The internet often provides me a modern outlet for my love of paper dolls.

For example.

Superheroized!

2009-08-10T23:13:00.000-07:00

So here's a fun site I discovered through a couple of awesome blogs. Make your own superhero, and then post the link so I can see!

This is me if I were a Superhero:

This is me if I were a hot Superhero:

This is a random one I made up:

And this is my awesome husband:

Happiness

2009-08-06T08:07:00.000-07:00

"I can never forget the night I thought you were dying, Gilbert. Oh, I knew--I knew then--and I thought it was too late."

"But it wasn't, sweetheart. Oh, Anne, this makes up for everything, doesn't it? Let's resolve to keep this day sacred to perfect beauty all our lives for the gift it has given us."

"It's the birthday of our happiness," said Anne softly.

You're up too late. Husband gone to bed, and you finishing a children's book just after midnight. It was cute, funny even, but left you wishing for something more. You rise, head to the bookshelf for a midnight snack. What will it be? Frederick Wentworth's life-altering letter to Anne? Mara and Sheftu's dance of misdirection turned devotion?

You sit, eyeing your old friends, waiting for one to speak, and come to a boxed set, untouched, unread, a Christmas gift from your mother. Unconciously, you have been saving them. You know why she wanted you to have them. You'd grown up hearing stories of her, reading Laura Ingills Wilder to get through nausea, and knew, when she presented you with a different (but equally beloved) series for your own, what they were for. There was a laugh in her eye, and you smiled. Each of you knew the other knew.

So they sat, untouched, on the shelf, waiting for the terrible, wonderful days of change. You would read them straight through, in order, something you've never done. Yet, your hand hovers over the third volume, the one you read most as a younger adult, in those eyes, the most romantic.

Pulling it from the box, you open the book around page two hundred. You skim through the Heroine's denial, graduation, realization, homecoming, family, friends, and then revelation.

"There is a book of revelation in everyone's life, just as there is in the Bible. Anne read hers that bitter night, as she kept her agonized vigil through the hours of storm and darkness."

Unconsciously, you have been trying not to break the spine, but, telling yourself not be silly, you open the book, your book, wider, relinquishing a portion of your dream. This may not count for a first read, but broken spines do not equal broken traditions. Or so you tell yourself.

There are two statements on the final page that you have heard others quote, but your eyes find something new, something you've never noticed before, and well with emotion at the words, "the birthday of our happiness."

You remember such a day of your own, a day of decision, a day upon which you were finally ready to step from fifteen months of darkness into the light of the rest of your life. Happiness is a gift, but it is also a choice. That day you were afraid, but you finally knew what you wanted, and had the courage to take it anyway.

And as you bask in the sudden peace of gratitude and love, you remember the man in the room next to you, the one who shares that birthday. The light is still on, so you are not surprised to find him as he is, asleep on his knees, head on the bed, arms still in the attitude of prayer.

You wake him, turn out the lights, get him under the covers, and hold him close to you.

Often, when you see the two of you reflected in a mirror, your mind seems to disown your body and, for a moment, you wonder who you are, who he is, how you came to be together. But tonight, as he pulls you close, you fall asleep remembering how it all happened, warm in your surety, safe in familiarity, spirit settled in the present.

You've had many special days since then, a day of promise, a day of covenants, but your heart turns fondly to that day, the dawning day, of the birthday of your happiness.

Great Gams Afire

2009-07-28T13:43:00.000-07:00

Hey you up there!

I know we may be embarrassingly white (and occasionally hairy) but we really aren't that bad to look at! (Are we?) We enjoy sunshine and a breeze as much as your other limbs, and really appreciate the effort you've made in the past months to wear skirts and shorts. You finally got used to us, and realized we aren't that bad! (In addition, between ballet and walking, we've never looked better!) We've seen you checking our definition and shaving more often, so admit it, you're more than tolerant, you're proud of us! We like our new look very much, so we're here to say, "Keep it up!" We understand about Monday, you just got back, hadn't been feeling well, blah, blah, blah....but what about today, huh? Get off your lazy butt (trust us, she really is lazy) and get back at it! Remember the burn? Remember the energy, the sense of accomplishment?

Get going before we try to kick some sense into you!

In frustration and affection,
Your Legs

2009-07-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

Tuesday (July 9)

My Dear Aunt,

What pleasure it gave me to return from my morning walk and find your letter waiting for me! Yes, I assure you we are quite well and am glad you are all the same. I can hardly believe it is an entire year since quitting my parents home and coming to D------ with my Dear Husband!

As to your inquiries about our neighbourhood, I can assure you our set is extremely pleasant. Only this morning Mrs. L---- and I went on our daily stroll. We are determined (like many a modern woman) to "avoid all sedentary amusements." Though I shall miss our strolls when she enters her confinement, I shall still keep company with our dear friend Mrs. S--------. (Mrs. S is a charming lady also much interested in health and sport.)

Things are a bit slow just now, as it is summer. We have been to a few dinner parties, but I am no longer working in the church-school. Still, I visit Grandmama each Wednesday and have read so many books that, were I not married, I'd likely become a qualified bluestocking!

Of course you are aware that my dear brother was visiting from the East. What a dear their little Eva is. Nearly a year old and we had never laid eyes on her! Mama and I wish they had not settled so far away, but I suppose one must go where there is a living to be had.
Speaking of Mama, she and Papa leave tomorrow for their tour of the Northern Coasts. They are traveling in rather a grand fashion and have had to get new clothes for all the parties and dinners they will attend.

I do hope you will call on Grandmama while they are away, she gets quite lonely. My DH and I will be up in town for a few days, but we have several parties to attend and won't be very good company I'm afraid.

Please give our best to all the family.

Your affec. neice,
M. E. P----

Mrs. B----, Sunnyvale Park
Inland Rivers, Kent

I can tell you what it isn't....

2009-07-01T15:16:00.000-07:00

People always talk about their favorite smells, and I realize I've never even thought about it. Seriously, how could one choose anyway?

Still, as of today, I've decided that this one is definitely in the running:

Mmmmm.....thanks to our new Costco card, we are the proud owners of one dozen, succulent, heavenly smelling peaches.

I recently saw a magazine that had a great quick peach recipe. Wrap store bought pie crust around fresh peaches and mini marshmallows (leaving one end open) and bake! Yum!

I think Peaches could probably win for my favorite Summer smell. I don't know what it is about today, but I finally feel like summer is here!

Sunshine, swimming, and barbecues here we come!!!! Happy Canada Day, and Happy 4th of July!

Waiting

2009-06-22T10:54:00.000-07:00

I have a warm place.

Dark

Quiet

Safe

and Empty.

Waiting just for you.

___________________________________________________

Warning: The following discusses two medical conditions (though neither very graphically).

I had that thought during Sacrament meeting yesterday, "I have a warm place." It was a bittersweet feeling. This week I had what is termed a 'Chemical Pregnancy.' That's when you have a miscarriage at less than five weeks along. I took my test on Monday, when I was maybe six. The positive reading was a surprise (because of the bleeding) but I didn't really get the chance to be excited. By the end of work, I guessed I would miscarry. The cramps were so strong.

I would feel fine in the mornings, and then horrible in the evenings. Finally, on Wednesday, I started having large clots (the shedding lining). Once they were passed, I felt normal again. I'm okay now, but I still have to take it easy. On Thursday I was bending over (picking stuff up) and it caused me some pain. I think that's probably passed now, but I'm still feeling a bit sick. However, I think that's my digestion issues. Something's going on there, but I'm not sure what. It's like my entire tract (from the stomach down) is sensitive. I feel fine till I eat, and then it hurts all the way down. It's worse if it's sugary, greasy food, but it hurts no matter what.

Emotionally, I'm okay. That first night (last Monday) I was calm till I talked to my mom. I could hear the sincere pity in her voice. It made me feel a little doomed. Then I asked Chris to give me a blessing. In the prayer beforehand, I asked the Lord for guidance, and for truth. After the blessing, I told Chris I should have been more specific about the kind of truth I wanted! I wanted to know if I needed to go to the hospital, He told me I needed to have faith and be joyful. I wanted to know the future of this baby, He told me that my children love me, and will come to me at the appointed time. By the end, I realized that things could go either way, and, somehow, that was less comforting than before.

I couldn't deal with it, so we watched Wives and Daughters. I was better after that, struggling to have faith, to not feel sorry for myself. It was an up and down day.

Still, yesterday, Father's Day, I had that moment, I wrote my Haiku, and it must have given me a little eternal perspective, because during the closing Hymn, O My Father, I felt kind of homesick. I love music because it teaches you emotions. I really felt along with Eliza R. Snow this time. I missed Him too.

O my Father, thou that dwellest; In the high and glorious place,; When shall I regain thy presence; And again behold thy face?
...

For a wise and glorious purpose (!!)

Thou hast placed me here on earth

And withheld the recollection

Of my former friends and birth;

...

I had learned to call thee Father,

Thru thy Spirit from on high,

But, until the key of knowledge

Was restored, I knew not why.

In the heav’ns are parents single?

No, the thought makes reason stare!

Truth is reason; truth eternal

Tells me I’ve a mother there.

When I leave this frail existence,

When I lay this mortal by,

Father, Mother, may I meet you

In your royal courts on high?

Then, at length, when I’ve completed

All you sent me forth to do,

With your mutual approbation

Let me come and dwell with you.

It's like I told Chris later that day. That's it! That's the reason. We come to this earth to be parents, to create life!

This time is a time of creation. Whatever we make of ourselves, what relationships we make, pieces of art, what children we make, what spaces, what times, what happiness. That's what it's about.

And that's what I want to do.

Father, help me not to be idle while I wait.

Anniversary Weekend

2009-05-17T08:56:00.000-07:00

Today (May 17th) is my first wedding anniversary. To celebrate, Chris and I decided to take a couple days off, and do lots of fun stuff. We thought about traveling somewhere, but living here in California, there's plenty of stuff we want to do that's right here at home, so we've been taking day trips.

On Thursday, after work, we drove up to Thousand Oaks where I had found a little community company (The Conejo Players Theatre). There we saw The Teahouse of the August Moon. I figured it'd be good since it won both a Tony and a Pulitzer. It's the story of the U.S. occupation of Okinawa following World War II and the American effort to "teach" Democracy. It was well done and funny. Though by today's standards it was on the cheesy side, when it was first performed in the 1950s, I'm sure it was groundbreaking. It just goes to show, if you want to challenge long-held assumptions, it's easier to get through with light-hearted comedy, than heavy lectures.

(P.S. If you want to see Marlon Brando in a comedic role, check out the Movie version)

On Friday we got to sleep in (hooray!) and then we drove out to the Discovery Science Center. The "Cube" is SO fun. Every exhibit is hands-on. Basically, you wander around and play with really cool toys. You try to figure out how things work, experiment to see what would happen if you do this or that, or invent games from the exhibits. (It's kind of like going to Wal-mart with my friend Todd)

One exhibit they have now is called "The Science of Hockey," so Chris got to show off his skills for me (even though I beat him as Goalie!). They also have an earthquake room, virtual volleyball, and we even treated ourselves to some dippen' dots!

Afterward, we went to the mall down the street and ate at CPK. Chris had the Pesto Chicken pizza (with sun-dried tomatoes and pine nuts),

and I had the Thai Peanut Crunch Salad.

On Saturday we went to the Renaissance Faire. After scouring some thrift stores earlier that week, I thought we turned out pretty well. I think we were a little too medieval in style (with low waists instead of high ones), but for first timers I thought we were okay.

I've had that corset for a long time, one of my favorite finds. (and the yellow pin says: "Das CRAY-see!!" It's from the Van Kleaver Brothers' show)

Here's Chris trying out a sword made for men with inferiority complexes: (You can't tell, but it's almost as tall as he is)

And here are some of the details of our costumes:

Thank goodness for Swap Meets, that's where we found the "leather" for Chris' "boots" (which were a pain to make, and yes, those are stapled together)

and also my Snood. The lady gave it to me for a dollar because the elastic was shot....which was cool since I probably would have cut it out anyway!

Chris already had this awesome Swedish belt buckle:

Let me tell you about the Renaissance Faire. If you've never been, I highly recommend it. Be prepared for bosoms and a little drunkenness, but also be prepared for people who trade their inhibitions in for their costumes. It's a very freeing place. You can laugh and sing, insult people, strike up conversations with strangers. Anything goes. The relaxed atmosphere lets people play and have fun. It's a wonderful thing to witness grown adults playing dress-up like children. Did I see fifty-year-old belly-dancers hitting on a pirate? Yes. Did I get talked into buying a raffle ticket ("For a very good cause") by a ten-year old salesman (who is ready to head to the Yukon and make a killing selling ice). Absolutely. Did I cheer my heart out for the arrogant and impudent Sir James? Of course! (Even though we knew he was going to lose as soon as we learned he'd promised each of us a Guinness each for cheering him to victory).

Chris and I are already planning for next year....who wants to come?

On Sunday, the day of rest, we visited family in our home town (not very far away, but not something we usually get to do on the Sabbath because of our church responsibilities).

Then, on Monday we headed out to Knott's (compliments of Mom [Carol] and Dad). We had a great time, but felt our age! There were a ton of middle-schoolers there (standing too close to their boyfriends), and we also discovered that our bodies aren't as resilient when it comes to roller coasters. We were able to go on everything we wanted to, but we had to take breaks between the big ones. My head was killing me, and Chris' back hurt. Still, it was fun and totally worth it! Afterwards we went to PoFolks for dinner. I'd never been there, but it was great! They had typical homestyle diner fare, with an emphisas on southern flavors. The dinners came with three "Veggies." I chose Cole Slaw, Macaroni n' Cheese, and Baked Beans!

We don't plan on doing such extravigant things for every anniversary, but it was nice to treat ourselves. Besides, we all need to do our part to help our failing economy!

Celebrity Morph by MyHeritage

2009-05-08T16:58:00.001-07:00

MyHeritage: Celebrity Morph - Genealogy searches - Pedigree

Whatever happened to the "Dream Sequence?"

2009-04-30T20:29:00.000-07:00

So, while reading Ken Jennings' Blog (he had some pics of Gene Kelly's famous dance scene with Jerry, from Tom and Jerry) I was remembering my childhood of loving musicals, but generally fast-forwarding through those awkward/long/confusing Dream Sequences.

I understand (now) that those scenes were generally made to show off the dancing talent of the cast. It was also common to have lookalikes take the place of the principles (which always confused me SO much in Oklahoma!).

Then again, maybe they accidentally wrote a song/scene that didn't fit anywhere in the story, so they just made someone sniff a love potion!

I know (now) that those crazy sequences had metaphorical significance that I wasn't picking up, so perhaps I should go back and watch, what do you think?

Let's see what I can remember:

"Dream Ballet" from Oklahoma!
"Broadway Melody" from Singing in the Rain
Gene Kelly and Jerry the Mouse from Anchor's Away
The Dream Scene from Fiddler on the Roof

EDIT: Ha! I knew there was one in The Pirate (start at 4:00)

What do you consider the best/worst musical Dream Sequences?

Archetypes: What is the Definition of a "Strong" Female Character?

2009-04-17T13:49:00.000-07:00

(Once again I find myself inspired by something discovered on accident while looking for something else.

Apparently, Tami Cowden, a romance author, and her partners (I'm not sure in what) got together and wrote a book that catalogues and discusses sixteen character archetypes (eight female, eight male) in fictional works. Here I'm going to present you with a survey of the archetypes along with a few of my thoughts.)

EDIT: After some interesting comments, and a note from Ms. Cowden, I've made a few changes below. If you want those changes to reflect on the facebook quiz, you'll have to take it again.

What is Strength? When you read a book, do you require "Strong Characters" of the author? Do you shut a movie off halfway through, simply because the heroine seems dull, or spineless? What is your definition of dull? Is it the same as mine?

As I've begun writing, I've found myself justifying these characters both to you and to myself. It is my hypothesis that any of these types can be considered "Strong" characters, but they must be mature ones, written by mature authors.

Too often nowadays, we find ourselves faced with ONE right answer. ONE party, ONE lifestyle, ONE ideal.

Good authors can challenge those assumptions, but poor ones seem to ratify them.

Let's begin:

Ladies First:

The Boss

The Boss is a bold, authoritative, and goal-oriented woman. In difficult situations, she jumps in and takes charge, ordering surrounding characters into action, demanding respect, and bowing to no one.

Not surprisingly, Cowden sites Cate Blanchett's Elizabeth, and Katherine Hepburn's Eleanor of Aquitaine in The Lion in Winter as Bosses. Think of, "I even made poor Louis take me on Crusade. How's that for blasphemy. I dressed my maids as Amazons and rode bare-breasted halfway to Damascus. Louis had a seizure and I damn near died of windburn... but the troops were dazzled." And, " I could peel you like a pear, and God, himself, would call it justice. "

I love these women to the point of heroine-worship, but (maybe it's just me) there seems to be a bit of pressure on all women to be like this. After all, doesn't The Boss sound like the ultimate Feminist dream? Here's what I wonder: Are we told to be tough, strong-willed fighters, or does the suggestion come from our own sense of inadequacy?

Though "Strong" is probably the first word that comes to mind when defining these ladies, I tend to enjoy them in their vulnerable moments. They become relatable, yes, but most of the attraction lies in the fact that they are growing, stepping outside themselves.

The Seductress (formerly "Survivor")

This lady is referred to as "mysterious and manipulative." Often dealing with trust issues, she is constantly on the defense, looking for ways to stay ahead. She's intelligent, but hides behind femininity and charm. She's always got a back-up plan.

According to Cowden, the iconic Survivor is Scarlett O'Hara (Gone with the Wind). My bias here is that I just really don't like Scarlett, with her selfishness and schemes. Still, one could argue that she's a product of her situations: "As God is my witness they're not going to lick me. I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never be hungry again. No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill, as God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again."

Still, I have enjoyed reading about Survivors. One of my all time favorites is the title character in Mara, Daughter of the Nile. Mara is redeemable (in my point of view) because she is heroic. She begins by playing both sides in her little spy game, but eventually realizes that she believes one side is "Right" and risks her life for that belief.

Scarlett just ends up making herself (and everyone else) miserable, but Mara matures and becomes more.

The Spunky Kid

Instead of the Boss, this girl's the team player. She holds her own, but is often in a supporting role. She's got lots of friends, is probably a bit of a "tomboy," and has a great sense of humor.

Cowden's examples include the heroines of Sleepless in Seattle and The Mary Tyler More Show.

My immediate thought is J.K. Rowling's Ginny Weasley. She's lively and witty, but got the cute little sister rap for five books. ""Ginny, don't call Ron a prat, you're not the captain of this team—" "Well, you seemed too busy to call him a prat and I thought someone should.""

Ginny's spunk makes her a fun (and even enviable) character. People like me wish we could speak our thoughts with such ease. Again, I find her most interesting when she is doing something different—Serious, instead of funny. In these moments she proves that spunk can be steel if need be.

The Free Spirit

The Free Spirit is characterized by her whimsical nature. She doesn't feel dictated to or confined by society because she does her own thing. Think inside the box? What box! She's all about the journey, self-expression, and tends to have a rosy world-view. Still, this can get her into trouble when she tries to "help" others, becoming a bit too meddlesome. She doesn't really think ahead, but why worry?

Try Goldie Hawn in HouseSitter: "I just wanted to see what it would be like to live in that picture. " or Amy Adams in Enchanted: "Giselle: Now if only I can find a place to rest my head for the night. Robert: What kind of place? Giselle: I don't know. Maybe a nearby meadow or a hollow tree. " Some also cite Jane Austen's Emma Woodhouse, "Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way. "

These women can be annoying, but what about Jerry Spinelli's Stargirl: “I’m not my name. My name is something I wear, like a shirt. It gets worn. I outgrow it, I change it.” or "I root for everybody!“

With the whimsy comes a sincere kindness that can be viewed as strength. These women dare to be different.

The Waif

Here's a character that makes Feminists grind their teeth! The classic pure innocent, she always needs to be rescued. Often insecure, instead of taking action, her strength is found in endurance. Still, while wielding a sword would be her last option, that doesn't mean she wouldn't be good at it.

Waifs are probably the most difficult to write for a modern audience. Immature Waifs (like Mia Thermopolis from The Princess Diaries, and Bella Swan from Twilight) have been found annoying (though Mia tends to get off the hook by constantly whining about how she should be like Hilary Clinton, Beyoncé, and other good role models).

Sucessful Waif characters seem to need an excuse for their status of inactivity, such as a cultural concern.

Two of Cowden's examples, the title characters of Sabrina and Jane Eyre, are at a distinct social and financial disadvantage. In addition, Jane fell for her employer in a time where women had little to now power, so that complicates things further.

Yet I find Jane Eyre to be quite heroic. Maybe you wanted her to tell Mr. Rochester to go to Hell, but Jane did what I would have done in her situation. She waited for him to say his piece and then calmly told him she could not, would not, stay and stole away in the night. She endures hunger and homlessness, on her own terms, in favor of comfort and love on terms she could never consider without degredation.

"Gentle reader, may you never feel what I then felt...May you never appeal to Heaven in prayers so hopeless and so agonized as in that hour left my lips; for never may you, like me, dread to be the instrument of evil to what you wholly love."

If that's not strength, I don't know what is.

(Still, do you think a modern audience would stand for a modern woman acting in such a way without an "excuse" like Jane's?)

(EDIT: Apparently the article I read was from an early draft. Cowden now sites Jane Eyre as a LIBRARIAN. Need another example of a Waif? Try Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz)

The Librarian

She's orderly, controlled, and knows she's intelligent (even if no one else does). She's stubborn and self-reliant, taking care of herself with her brains, not her looks. Often practical to the point of impatience, The Librarian knows what is proper, and will generally make sure everyone else does too.

Yes, you guessed it, Cowden named this Archetype after Marion the Librarian from The Music Man.

"As long as the Madison Public Library was entrusted

To me for the purpose of improving River City's cultural level,

I can't help my concern that the Ladies of River City

Keep ignoring all my council and advice. "

One of my favorite Librarians, of course, is Hermione Granger. "You're saying it wrong," Harry heard Hermione snap. "It's Wing-gar-dium Levi-o-sa, and make the 'gar' nice and long."

A know-it-all can be annoying, but don't we love watching them grow out of their frosty exterior?

The Crusader

The Crusader lives for her Mission (whatever that may be) so if you stand in her way, be prepared to face the consequences. Not afraid to get her hands dirty, you will find her in the thick of things. She's stubborn and feisty, and never takes a vacation.

Most Comicbook heroines are Crusaders, along with Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, and (probably the most famous Crusader) Princess Leia, "I don't know who you are or where you've come from, but from now on you'll do as I say. "

Crusaders, like Bosses, are wonderfully intimidating. One needs them for their passion and direction, but no one is ever as committed as they are.

The Nurturer

The Nurturer isn't necessarily a homemaker. She cheerfully takes care of EVERYONE. A happy ending isn't good enough unless it applies to her family and friends as well. With her composure and patient ear she will listen to, and generally solve, everyone's problems. With loyalty to the point of stubbornness, she'll protect those she cares about. When others are with her, they're in good hands, and they might just get cookies!

Examples of Nurturers include the helping, healing Vianne Rocher in the book Chocolat and Mary Poppins: "Practically perfect people never permit sentiment to muddle their thinking."

While often losing themselves by becoming too entrenched in the problems of others, no one can deny that Nurturers are strong. Imagine a mama bear, fiercely protecting her cubs. Perhaps it was a Nurturer screaming, "Not my daughter, you b****!" as she jumped into the fray, weapon drawn. These are the moments we look forward to, when the Nurturer's calmness gives way to her need to protect.

In conclusion, I find that what makes a character interesting and inspiring (to me) is not necessarily strength, but maturity. Maturity, in my opinion, being the ability to step outside ones comfort zone, and do something necessary, but hard. If a character is always mouthing off, perhaps she will learn to stop and think, if she is quiet and unassuming, perhaps she will learn to stick up for herself. We look for these changes, and we rejoice in them, because than we now have something for which to admire the heroines.

Well, that turned out completely different from how I had anticipated, but I have some questions for you followers (and hopefully blogstalkers :)

Can you guess which Archetypes I identify with the most? (Hint: They're the ones I spent the most time justifying, lol)
Can you guess which Archetypes I identify with the least?
What Archetype are you? (If you're having trouble deciding, try the Facebook Quiz I made)

Thank Goodness for Redbox

2009-04-14T15:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Summit Entertainment,

I understand that you wanted to make the Twilight movie as close to the book as possible.

Still, you didn’t need to leave those spaces during dialogue for Bella’s thoughts. We can’t hear them, so...thanks....but that really wasn’t necessary. Maybe you were trying to build tension... (?)...but it seriously made me want go all George Lucas on you.

“FASTER with MORE INTENSITY!”

(Surely such a plotless book could have been made into a movie UNDER two hours?!?)

Resolution Pt. Two

2009-03-24T12:35:00.001-07:00

Naw, you guys don't wanna hear about my health problems and how I'm doing a little bit better, do you?

How about instead I give you a sneak peek into the Broadway Musical I'm writing? It's about an Enchanted, but Cursed Castle.

Cue Intro Music (This video has the perfect mood music, it's just how I imagined!) Read the opening narration, while it plays.

NARRATOR: Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he enjoyed good health and everything else his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. But then, one winter's night, an old, sickly woman came to the castle and offered him a single roll of toilet paper in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her ugliness and flatulence, the prince sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away. But she warned him not to be deceived by smells, for beauty is found within. And when he dismissed her again, the old woman's ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress that smelled of roses. The prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, for she had seen that there was no catharsis in his heart. And as punishment, she transformed his bowels into a hideous beast and placed a powerful spell on the castle and all who lived there. Ashamed of his monstrous stomach, and putrid smell, the beast concealed himself inside his castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. The roll she had offered was truly an enchanted roll, which would last until his 21st year. If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last sheet was used, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a constipated beast for all time. As the years passed, his proctitis turned to colitis, and his colitis to crohn's, and he fell into despair and lost all hope. For who could ever learn to love a beast?

Here's the lyrics to one of the completed songs:

Pooping Again, Written by Mary Sanders

Dedicated to Any and Every One who suffers from Crohn’s, Colitis, Proctitis, or IBS

LUMIERE

Ha ha, yes, my friends.
The day we have waited for may be at hand!

MRS. POTTS

Oh, only if that were true, Lumiere!

LUMIERE

Aaah...pooping again

MRS. POTTS

Pooping again

LUMIERE

Yes, think of what that means!

LUMIERE

I'll be cooking again
Be good-looking again
With a mademoiselle on each arm
When I'm pooping again
Only pooping again
Free of gas and gleaming with charm...
I'll be courting again
Chic and sporting again

MRS. POTTS

Without causing the ladies alarm!

CHIP

I'll hop into the loo

LUMIERE

And toute suite take a poo

CHIP

I can't wait to be pooping again

MME. DE LA GRANDE BOUCHE, MRS. POTTS ,BABETTE

When we're pooping again
Only pooping again
When our bodies start working once more

CHIP

Little push to begin
It could, whoosh, fall right in!

MME. DE LA GRANDE BOUCHE

Ah, cherie, won't it all be top-drawer
I'll wear lipstick and rouge
And I won't feel so huge
Why, I'll comf'ly fit in tight clothes!
I won’t keep getting caught
Everyday
On the pot
It's my thought to be pooping again

COGSWORTH

When I'm pooping again
Only pooping again
When the world once more starts making sense
I'll unwind for a change

LUMIERE

Really? That'd be strange!

COGSWORTH

Can I help it if I'm t-t-tense?
In a shack by the seas
I'll sit back eating cheese
Let my early retirement commence
I'll forget my exlax
Have no stains on my slacks, and relax!

ALL

When I'm pooping again
So grab some pills from the drawer!
Avoid eating fried rice!
I can feel, I can tell
Something might break the spell
Any day now!

MRS. POTTS, EGG TIMER, WHISK

Open the cupboards and get out some Tums

MRS. POTTS

Pop these down so you don’t get the runs

ALL

Scoop up the years
Of bloating and tears
And flush them away!

ALL

When… We're… pooping again
Only pooping again
We'll be walking around with such ease
When we're pooping again
Only pooping again
And it just takes a quick one-two-three (One, two, three!)
No more groaning again!
No more Chrohning again!
We’ll be feeling as fine as you please
Like a cured human does
I'll be all that I was
On that glorious morn
When we're fin'lly reborn
And we're all of us pooping again!

You know me, I like to have lofty goals. One can dream, right?

John Lennon and Girl Scout Cookies

2009-03-23T23:11:00.000-07:00

So I got one of those Singing Cards in the mail today (a modern Singing Telegram) from JOHN LENNON. He just wanted to let me know that he thinks I'm doing really well as Primary President, which I thought was awfully nice of him. I actually had been feeling guilty for slacking off in some areas of that responsibility, so it was nice to be reminded that I HAVE done a lot of good. I wish him Hope, Peace, and Happiness too....wherever he is.

Of course, on the way out of the Post Office, we got waylaid by the Girl Scouts of America. I knew Chris wanted to get some Girl Scout Cookies, but he was on the phone, so I told the girl I wanted a box of Thin Mints (my favorite) and one of Samoas (His).

Of course, what I actually asked for was "Samoans," but she fortunately knew what I meant. Not that I would have minded a few Pacific Islanders, I've loved all the Samoans I've met in the past!

"You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one"

Thanks to my Kindred Spirit ;)

New Year's Resolution--Even Though it's March

2009-03-20T12:18:00.000-07:00

WARNING: This will probably be the most boring post I've ever written.

.
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Never mind, this is a lame idea for a post. I was gonna write about my decision to chew my food more, and it's probable effect on my health, but do you really wanna hear about that?

I didn't think so.

So comment and tell me what you'd rather read:

- A fairy-tale I wrote in College (Completed, needs editing)

- Another story I made up as a child (though very different from the "Cat One") (Outlined, needs writing)

- A commentary (inspired by This Site) on the romantic archetypes of fictional heros and heroines, and whether authors writing romance are observing true human nature, copying other authors who do, or if their audience is merely subconsciously acting out the stereotypes they read/watch. (Just a stew of thoughts at the moment)

- A mash of thoughts on BYU, Multiculturalism, and Politics. (Half written, but no outline)

- My guesses on the application of the Myers-Briggs Temperament Indicator to NBC's The Office. (Half done, but needs an entire re-write)

Scrapblog.com, My New Favorite Thing

2009-02-20T15:02:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Kellie, I was able to figure out how to beautify my blog! The Background is from thecutestblogontheblock.com and my banner is a template from scrapblog.com.

Scrapblog is so fun! I have unleashed my inner collage artist, and after taking my header almost completely as is (I only changed the text and pictures) I was ready to do one from scratch.

Here is the result. I am rather proud of it. It took FOREVER, but I am really happy with the way it looks (all the images are from their site, but I placed them, layered them, and chose the opacity, size, etc.). If you can't see it very well, the larger version is here.

Perspective

2009-02-19T14:32:00.001-08:00

People I Know who are Pregnant:

My Visiting Teacher
My Cousin Victoria
My Cousin Ellen
My Other Mary
Her Sister-in-Law
My Best Friend
Her Cousin
A Friend that I don't know if I'm allow to tell people about yet....
A Friend from High School that I haven't Seen for a While
A Girl My Husband Used to Like
(Some I forgot/didn't know about) Tonya, Chiemi, Kim....I'll think of more later, I'm sure. THEY ARE EVERYWHERE.

People I Know who Desperately Want to Have a Baby, but Can't, so are Trying to Adopt:

My Friend from College and his Wife

People I Know who are Silly, Impatient, and Getting Ahead of Themselves:

me

*Please take a moment to review my friend's adoption profile, maybe even post it on your blog. The sooner the word is out, the sooner their dreams will come true.

What Twilight Should Have Been

2009-02-19T09:11:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about Twilight lately.

Yeah, I know, I need a new topic. But after being secretly obsessed with those books, I've been trying to both justify my reaction, and figure out how I feel about the books now.

I have already dealt with the some of the Questionable Content in Twilight. As well as the Reason Why People Read it. Today, I'm going to quickly examine the literary merits of the book, and then explain what form it could, and perhaps should, have taken.

One thing that helped me understand my own veiw, was going to amazon.com and reading the reviews of others. Not the paltry ones from "Twi-hards" or haters (which generally focus entirely on story content and whether they loved or hated it), but the meaty ones that are written with thought (and allude to the author's skill). I especially like the 3/5 stars entries, because there I generally find reviews I agree with. These often point out the same flaws/strengths. Elizabeth Spires, reviewing for the New York Times, got it right.

"The premise of "Twilight" is attractive and compelling — who hasn't fantasized about unearthly love with a beautiful stranger? — but the book suffers at times from overearnest, amateurish writing. A little more "showing" and a lot less "telling" might have been a good thing, especially some pruning to eliminate the constant references to Edward's shattering beauty and Bella's undying love."

The way I see it, Twilight suffers from two main things.

It Lacks Plot. If you can be satisfied to follow every minute detail of a heroine's mental agony over new love (as apparently I can), then you'll enjoy Twilight. The book does not offer as much in the way of life events, as it does in mental/emotional events. Also, it is a very linear book. Bella has one problem and, as soon as it is resolved, another problem enters to take it's place.

The Main Characters Aren't Sympethetic. Those who view books critically tend to find Bella annoying and weak, and Edward abusive. Those who, like me, take characters at face value on a first read, found them to be exactly what Stephenie Meyer intended. Bella is supposed to have a quiet strength. She rarely stands up for herself or speaks her mind but, in the end, she always does what she thinks is right. Edward is supposed to be the strong intellectual that burns with such passion he will stand in the way of anything that threaten's Bella's safety (including Bella herself). The problem lies, as Elizabeth Spires said, in too much telling, and not enough showing. People like me tend to believe everything they are told (unless there is obvious evidence to the contrary), but to about half the population, seeing is believing. So while I find that Bella and Edward's relationship is reminicent of Jane Eyre and Mr. Rochester's (INFJ + ENTJ), many people find the whole thing to be a disgusting, anti-feminist travesty. In the end, perhaps they are right.

Obviously, the fatal flaw in my Jane Eyre argument is that, in that story, Jane was the one strong enough to leave a bad situation, while in Twilight's sequal, it is Edward that leaves.

Now, on to the THE POINT of my post (yes, I know I always take too long to arrive, but in case you haven't noticed, it's the journey, the "rising action" that I enjoy).

What should Twilight have been? No plot? Flat characters? I'd have thought it was obvious.

Twilight Should have been an Opera

Remember those famous lines from Phantom (Which, incidentally, is not an opera)?

You'd never get away
with all this in a play,
but if it's loudly sung
and in a foreign tongue
it's just the sort of story
audiences adore,
in fact a perfect opera!

Traditional opera is a combination of two kinds of singing: Recititive and Aria. Recititive is singing where the melody mimics human speech patterns. It is the conversations, the dialogue, and what moves the action in an opera. Arias are moments in time. Traditionally, they are supposed to explore a single emotion. They do not move the plot forward, but instead are a probe of some aspect of the human experience. (Which is why people take so long to die in operas, they're exploring their final emotion.)

Twilight is full of emotional probes.

Imagine the selections on the soundtrack?
An Aria for Bella, "L'amour est un brillant poitrine".
And one for Edward, "Qu'est-ce qu'elle pense en ce moment?"
And while we're at it, how about Charlie? "S'il vous plaît, rester loin de ma fille!"

No? No opera?

Fine.

Twilight Should have been a Poem

Imagine if Stephenie Meyer had chosen a more abstract method to catalogue her famous dream? Instead of creating characters that made her curious to explore their lives, she could have focused on the strong emotions involved, written a page a verse, and been done.

I'm no poet, but here's what I came up with in a few minutes:

Green leaves cover death
secret song thrums through veins to capture heart
darkness never looked so bright

breath steals it's last moment
Life lives it's fullest
thinking
perhaps
it has come to an end

Heart stopped by absence....
or presence

What would you decide?

Not very good, but I could keep at it and make it better.
My friend, though he hated the movie, was somehow inspired by the concept. He came home and wrote a creeptastically chilling love song. Someday, when it's online, I'll link it here, but for now, you'll have to make do with my attempt.

Alright, now, I know you might not like poetry, so here's my favorite thought:

Twilight Should have been a BALLET

Imagine! No dialogue! No characters agonizing over their faults while the audience completely agrees. No constant discriptions of Edward's beauty! Physical beauty could be successfully portrayed by the (statistically) gay man in the part. It wouldn't be weird that he takes his shirt off, because it'll actually help us see the lines of his movement! And Bella would never have to remind us how clumsy she is.

Ballets have a tradition of romance and the supernatural, and can also do well in industrialized settings (wish I could have seen Matthew Bourne's Cinderella, set in WWII Britain, when it was here in LA).

Bella and Edward's danger laden passion could have been exemplified in beautiful, tension filled pas de deux ("step of two," a dancer's duet, if you will). And imagine the high school scenes! I can picture the intricate chaos between classes, the shy and clumsy Bella, unaware of her effect on those around her. And don't forget pas d'action! The romance would probably not take as long, so we could skip ahead to an Allegro fight scene with James.

How else can we ladies talk our men into going to the ballet?

I'll make a poll. Let me know which you think Twilight should have been.

P.S. I've never tried to get my husband to go to a ballet, but he took ballet in college and I go to Clippers' games with him, so maybe I should try it....

KB Award

2009-02-09T12:13:00.000-08:00

So I won this award:

Another blogger tagged me with the following award:

(Rich at GET OFFLINE AND GO OUTSIDE)

The purpose of this award is to let you know that you must post a short list of things you "love" to help your readers get to know you better. Rejecting the award is not an option, besides who'd want to reject attention and glamour anyway?

Here is my list:

1. I love NPR. My brother got me hooked on it last year. I know people complain about it (it's too liberal, it's too boring) but I love the intelligent hosts, interesting stories, and impressive guests. And hey, at least they try to be neutral. They have a very non-confrontational, calm style that took getting used to, but I really like. My favorite shows are probably All Things Considered and The Story. My local station is KPCC. Gotta love Airtalk and The Patt Morrison Blog! Seriously, where can you find such a comprehensive look at local, national, and internationsl news, along with science, the arts, and a bunch of random stuff you never knew you were interested it!

2. I love Explaining. I don't love discipline, grading, record keeping, planning, or anything else that teachers do, that's why I decided not to be a teacher. But I LOVE to explain, to tell stories, make analogies, help others understand. Yesterday I taught some little kids a bible story, it was awesome. I love translating thoughts into words my audience can understand. Because of this, I also love acting, singing, puppetry, and story-telling. I even like reading the instructions for a new board game, so I can be the one to sum it up for eveyone else.

3. I love shirt.woot.com. From the weird designs, to the crazy filters and lame controversies (okay, so maybe I'm not that fond of those). Seriously, I waste so much time on that site. Everyday a new shirt comes on sale. That shirt costs ten dollars for 24 hours only, and after that it's fifteen, but only until it falls below the top twenty best sellers on the site. Then it is axed. Forever. Monday-Thursday are suprises. The site chooses designs that have been submitted to them by artists. Friday-Sunday the shirts printed are the winners of The Derby. Anyone can enter the derby. They post a theme every Thursday at noon, and then you can start submitting designs on Friday at noon. You can keep submitting till the following Thursday, but you have to get votes, so it's best to submit on Friday (or Saturday). I just love to see what the artist's come up with. My favorite Artist on the site goes by BootsBoots. But her real name is Jamie Melani Marshall. She's hilarious and amazingly talented, and we seem to have a lot in common so I joked that I we should be best friends, and she agreed, ahuhu.

4. I love Reading. Well, duh. But seriously, it's AMAZING. I get so into a story, and then I just can't stop reading (that's why I don't read as much as I did). Blogging is easier on my lifestyle because blogs come in single servings. It's amazing to make friends with fictional characters. I've found heroes, kindred spirits, and siblings: Thomas and Charlotte Pitt, Jane Eyre, Anne Shirley, Stargirl, Anne Eliott, Taran of Caer Dalben, Margaruite Blakeney, and countless others!

There is something about books that makes you feel powerful. You get to be someone else, see the world in a new light, have new talents and strengths. You also get the high of rising action and mystery. In the end, it's an escapist thing. I get to step away from any problems or stress I have, and go somewhere else: mentally and emotionally. Cause that's where I really live. Not in California, but in my head.

5. I love taking and discussing Personality Tests. I know, I know, they're not always accurate, they can cause you to self-fufill, mis-judge people etc. etc. etc. But I still love them. Probably because I love talking about myself, and also because I like to find out what makes people tick. My favorites are the Myers-Briggs Temperment Indicator, Gardner's Theory of Multiple Intelligences, and (yes, groan) The Color Code. Occasionally, I even like those silly quizzes on quizilla etc. So what am I? I am an Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiver (INFP) the Jungian Shadow of the western world, I have strengths in Music, then Language, and weaknesses as a Naturalist, and then Kinesthetic (Full results here), I am a White with Blue. I've scored in some silly tests as: Marge, Yoda, Remus Lupin, and Gamma.

6. I love Costumes. I am forever wasting money at thrift stores on crazy dresses I may never get the chance to wear....but I still collect them. When we finally have a house of our own, Chris and I will proabably dedicate the garage to our crazy finds. Whether it be a three peice austrian suit (him), or a yellow '60s prom dress (me). Some of my favorite finds include: A girtle from the 1950s in the original packaging, A black, floor-length dress with a wide empire waist that looks like it's from the '40s but is acutally from the '80s, and an intricately sequined butterfly shawl.

Okay, well, surpisingly enough, I could go on! #7 would have been about Ireland, but I need to go.

I bestow this auspicious award upon CuteCultureChick, Ms. Liz, and Tyro Erudition. Consider yourself tagged ladies!

My Favorite Redheads

2009-01-25T19:21:00.000-08:00

It's a fact. I have always wanted to be a redhead. It is simply unfair! What is the purpose of this complexion, if not to be rewarded with red hair! Still, I do love my dark locks, it's just difficult when all the greats are redheads!

Some of these were my childhood heroes or friends, some are new acquaintances.

Redheads in Fact:

*Elizabeth I (A Fabulous Female! Talk about power and not letting anyone control your destiny)
*Katherine Hepburn (I love a gutsy lady! My favorite actress of all time, she could do drama or comedy)
*Vincent Van Gogh (one of, if not the, greatest painters of all time. I know Starry Night is over-used but, seriously, have you seen it? Also, just had to share, my husband recently purchased this lovely alternate Van Gogh shirt: a "what if" affair.)

Redheads in Fiction:

*All the Weasleys, especially Ron and Ginny ....and the twins...and well....all of them.
*Dr. Crusher (These commercials brought to you by the airforce. That's right kids, stay in school and you might get to meet aliens one day! ahuhu)
*Anne of Green Gables (best moment at 1:45) (Is it weird that I've felt spiritually uplifted from reading these books? And also from the first two movies? Anne is my hero!)
*Mara Jade (Proof that I am an uber dork! Another redhead that kicks serious butt! There's something awesome about a badguy that doesn't know they're really a goodguy. If you like Star Wars, don't read any SW book that isn't written by Timothy Zahn.) (if you click the above link, you will see that I am not as big a fan as I thought!)
*Freckles, the sweet Irish orphan with an angel's voice, he triumphed over his disability and background to gain his heart's dearest wishes while teaching me the beauty, power, and sacredness of nature.

Fact/Fiction:

*Mr. Bingley, as portrayed by Simon Woods, did not fit into the fact OR fiction category, so I've placed him here. (I'll never forget when Grannie turned to me in the theatre and said, "Who is that actor?" "I don't know," I replied. She paused, "He's very lovely, isn't he?" Yes Grannie. He certainly is.

Great Characters Portrayed by the Perfect Actors

2009-01-21T12:48:00.000-08:00

I used to call it a crush, but that was before I'd actually had one of those. I guess it's a movie-star crush, cause I only get it with guys.

It's the power of a great actor portraying a great character.

The first one was funny and sweet Bill Pullman in While You Were Sleeping:

I thought he was my favorite actor, but his only other movie I really like is Spaceballs.

Next came Matthew Broderick in Ladyhawke (Despite the score, huhu) . Skip to time 5:40:

When I finally saw Farris Beuller's Day Off, my crush was killed. (Maybe it was just the accent)

Then along came Jeremy Northam in Emma. This time I thought I was in love with the character....but then I read the book. That's when I realized....it has to be both!

Jeremy Northam is the master of "The Secret Look." If you want some poor girl to fall in love with you, give her that look in front of her friend so she'll hear about it later. She can't think you're doing it on purpose.

Northam uses it to great advantage in The Winslow Boy (skip to 2:25):

Unfortunately, I could only find this clip. He does it even better later on in the film (Which actually has very little romance, so it's great that what they do include is so well done.)

The next closest would have to be Edward Norton in Fight Club (but that might just be because he looks like my husband):

What is it about social diviance that is so attractive!

Finally, my new favorite: The creatively clever out-of-work spy Michael Weston from TV's Burn Notice (Actor Jeffery Donovan). He's got this great dry sarcasm....he's taught us fans so much (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGU8CkOG9a8), and best of all, he knows how to Suit Up! This is the only clip I could find:

I've never enjoyed violence so much!

New episodes start THURSDAY!!!!

Something a Little Different

2009-01-19T12:51:00.000-08:00

There is only one way to know for sure if you are one of Them.

Some people go their whole lives and never know, because they are never summoned. They suspect, because they have always felt different, special, but they never know for certain. They die alone, cursing The People who should have been their family, never realizing that it is their own fault.

You will never be summoned until you are ready.

And even then, you have to be alert, on your toes. They only give so many chances. After all, what is the point of teaching a student who does not wish to learn?

One day, when you feel particularly alone, you will realize that you've never been alone in your entire life, and, as you look around for Those that are watching you, you will see it, and your breath will catch in your throat at the familiarity in its eyes.

It has been waiting for you.

The Pard are an ancient race, ancestors of the average house cat. They first came to the Ancient Cornish, looking for allies. It was they who set the stones, enabling mankind to reach their land, if only in dreams. A chosen man or woman's spirit may pass through Men-an-Tol only in the deepest of sleeps.

Many men and women desperately trace their history to Cornwall, citing Cornish diaspora as evidence of their own power, but power cannot be claimed, merely bridled. Only when it is tame can it be trained.

The sooner you realize this, the sooner They will come.

There is great discrepancy about timing in these situations. Some say you must greet the Cat on your first meeting, others that it wishes for the respect of patience.

But when you meet your Pard, you will know.

It will be walking parallel to you, on the opposite side of the street, or perhaps sitting on a bench across a garden, looking for all the world like an innocent, average cat.

It might even be a Cat you know, one you've seen in your present or past. It was your best friend's lost kitty, or your grandmother's spoiled empress.

Or it may be a Cat you have never laid eyes on.

In any case, it will be staring, and you must stare back. Breathe slowly, and do not blink. Show it that you are unlearned, but not unequal. Take first one step, then another. The Cat, if it is a Cat, will remain frozen, waiting for you. You must continue in exactly a straight line.

When you are a single pace away, drop to your knees without breaking eye-contact. Now, you must wait. I do not know how long, but in the proper moment, for the first time in your life, you will See.

Only then, is it safe to touch the Cat (they enjoy being scratched behind the ears like any mammal).

That night you will begin your education, your real life.

Congratulations.

~~O~~

I was twelve when the cat first came. She was young and lithe, and belonged to the neighbors two doors down. She had a unique coat, with a single wide stripe running down her spine and along her tail, dark grey on light.

I didn't know tame cats had spots.

Occasionally I would see her watching me and, somehow, I knew what to do.

It took a few tries, she would leave before I arrived, or I'd blink and she'd be gone, but one day, she let me come.

I don't know why I was on the other side of the street that day, I'd long since given up my acquaintance with the girls there, they did not understand nor like me, and we had little in common. I still liked them, but I liked everyone. I was too old to be out playing, so I must have been on my way to my grandmother's, but why on the opposite side of the street?

She was in front of the two-story home next to Grandma's, watching me again, waiting for me again.

I took my first step, leaving the sidewalk, praying that no cars would come and disturb my path. I continued with shallow breath, heart pounding all the same, and my progress was so slow, too slow.

I began to panic, willing her to wait, wait until I could get there. I had never been so close before, so sure. I arrived in front of her, hardly knowing what would happen, just that Something surely would!

I knelt before her and, as I reached for her, she stalked away, casually, looking at me with an indifference that had no concept of the magnitude of my situation.

Was that it? I asked. Was that enough?

But my desperate heart knew the answer,
and I dreamed no dreams that night.

~~O~~

Perhaps there were a few more Cats in my life, but they all seem so ordinary now. In the last ten years I have moved four times, each time feeling farther and farther from certainty and humanity. I see only ordinary cats, but occasionally I dream that they are more, only to awake and realize that if they were, they wouldn't want me.

Insert Cheesy Title Here

2009-01-15T12:28:00.000-08:00

I can barely describe the feeling I want to explain in this post.

Occasionally, I hear a piece of music, either instrumental or in a language I don't understand, that is SO pure....SO exquisite I simply want to....

Cry?

Melt?

Die?

Those aren't very positive words, but that's as close as I can come.... Something about these rare pieces make me want to change my physical form and....what? Leave my body and become the music? I don't know. All I know is that they make me feel large and small at once. Happy and sad.....but inspired, full of Light....and....peace.

Maybe that's it, Peace.

Whatever this phenomenon is, I'd like to share the melodies that cause it.

I first discovered the feeling while watching the Jody Foster movie Contact. I decided it was my favorite movie, and asked for the soundtrack for Christmas. I haven't seen the movie since, but the music, by Alan Silvestri (Beowulf, Forrest Gump, The Polar Express), still holds me in its power.

I couldn't find it online, but THIS cheesy website uses the main theme in the background. Incidentally, the site is called Pathways to Peace.

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Next, I was introduced to Howard Shore, and the magic simplicity of the Shire with: Concerning Hobbits. (See player below for the rest of the songs)

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Followed by Renata Tebaldi's O Mio Babbino Caro on Pavarotti's Opera Made Easy: My favorite Opera for Everyone. (I could not find that recording, but Sissel does a beautiful job. I also liked the Renee Fleming one, but her strong vibrato can distract from the purity of the sound.

Listen to those high notes! It just makes me feel....

I have no words.

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Next, representing my college years, we have Always with Me, from the Spirited Away Soundtrack. This woman wrote and performed the song, accompanying herself on the LYRE! She was a fan who sent her beautiful work to Mr. Miyazaki (The Disney of Japan--popularity wise, not style wise). It was inspired by a previous movie, but worked well for Spirited Away so it was included as the closing Theme.

You are not allowed to say you don't like Anime until you have seen at least two or three Miyazaki movies. Suggestions? Spirited Away (in English or Japanese), Castle in the Sky (Don't watch it in English, Mark Hamil as the bad guy is fun, but the rest is ridiculous), and Howl's Moving Castle (with the title character voiced by Christian Bale).

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Finally, we have the song I scoured the internet for all morning. Eventually, I found it by typing "Modern Traditional" in google. It has been stuck in my head for a few days, but I couldn't remember the name! I have heard it several times, originally on American Tapestry by Jenny Oaks Baker and Jenny Richards, but couldn't remember where I'd heard it.

So here's Ashokan Farewell.

Enjoy your passage into my head!

Why Are so Many of Us Obsessed with Twilight?, Or: Why People Read Books

2008-12-30T11:41:00.000-08:00

Warning: This post comes as close to PG-13 as I've ever been. It's not explicit, but may be too frank for some.
Warning II: Twilight spoilers ahead (duh).

_________________

In order to discover why people (mostly women, but some men also) are so obsessed with Stephenie Meyer's best-selling series, we must first look at why people get obsessed with romances and books in general.

So what is it about a book, that can draw someone in? Even books that are not well written?

Remember these?

Basically, something intriguing happens, and attracts your attention. You begin reading (or watching, listening etc.) and tension builds, keeping your attention and engaging your mind and/or emotions. Finally, the tension is paramount, reaches a climax, and then everything winds down to the conclusion.

Now pretend for a moment, that you saw one of those charts up there for the first time (Gardner's for example). Pretend that it was free of words. Follow the line with your finger, inhaling with the upward motion, exhaling with the downward....

Remind you of something?

....Nothing? Really?

It seriously doesn't remind you of anything?

Maybe it's just me.

Think about it....something that, like a story, stems from initial attraction, builds until you thirst for more, climaxes at the best part, and then relaxes, leaving you satisfied but eager for another such encounter.

....

Just in case anyone is still not sure of my metaphor, let me spell it out. Incentive Moment = Attraction, Rising Action = Foreplay, Continuing Tension = sex, Climax = ....er....Climax, and Denouement (Falling Action) = Cuddling, Sleeping, or whatever (who knows, maybe even a sequel....).

For those of you who have never been obsessed with reading in general...perhaps now you understand how a bookworm is made. Basically....reading is like sex for your brain.

Now don't freak out on me! I'm not saying people like books for sexual reasons, I'm merely comparing two things that seem to follow a similar pattern.

I love books and consume them with an appetite. Everyone has their little pleasures. I imagine your enjoyment follows a similar pattern when you meet a deadline at work, teach a successful lesson, or help someone solve a problem.

For all of you who have done any of these things, you know what it's like to build up to something, enjoy the process, have the moment of achievement, and then the relaxing euphoria of a job well done.

However, we are human. Euphoria wears off. We have fond memories of accomplishments, but the feelings fade. Fortunately, there are plenty of books to read, problems to solve, people to help, and....well, you get the idea.

Writers have their little tricks to keep tension (and interest) high. Anne Perry, renowned for her Victorian mysteries, skips the Denouement. Almost as soon as the killer is revealed, the action completed, the book ends. There is no gracious explanation by the detective, no revelation on how "elementary" or "the 'leetle' gray cells" saved the day, and certainly no fluffy epilogue to explain which minor characters got married. Instead, you have to wait for the next book (which may or may not mention said minor characters), or figure it out yourself.

Romances, as a genre, have an especially difficult time following dramatic structure in a unique way. The purpose of a romance is (generally) to document a love affair. However, in order to build the proper tension, authors must include stumbling blocks to the two lovers. Many authors, through lack of creativity, ability, or mere interest utilize the same ones over and over again.

There are only so many detours on the path of "true love" : Misunderstanding, Shyness, Anger and Jealousy, Self-Doubt, and Mr. Wrong seem to be the most common.

Many creative, able, and deliberate authors choose to pad their romances with non-romantic plots, allowing those story-lines to incite the tension instead (or in addition). Of course this makes a case that such books are not actually romances, but some other genre. In truth, I find it hard to think of any romance I have enjoyed, that can not also be counted in some other category.

For example: Family Drama, Social Satire, Historical Fiction, Fantasy, Action Adventure, Horror and Mystery, Comedy etc.

The above genres can still be butchered, but they give the author more leeway. A specific example would be Jane Austen. While I would not consider her books to be romances, romance was a key aspect of her writing. However, instead of populating her stories with flat leads and completely unmemorable minor characters (like some stories I've wasted time on), Austen took time to develop her characters. We learn, not just of a hero and heroine, but of their families, friends, and neighbors. We know their quirks, foibles, and tastes. This allowed Austen to make subtle commentaries on society, politics, family dynamics etc. that kept her audience entertained while her main characters figured out how to be together.

So how do romantic stories (good and bad) affect the obsessive? Imagine the mental and emotional response you have to the building tension and climax of your favorite movie or book. Now, add the mental and emotional response you have to new love. Remember how exciting new love is?

Most people in the world are not currently experiencing this phenomenon. They are either seeking someone worthy of, and willing to receive, their attention, or they have committed themselves to someone, and are moving toward a deeper communion.

But does that mean they can't experience the exciting enticement of new love without cheating, or wasting time? It depends. If you are the sort of person who can be swept away by a good story, who can suspend disbelief, and enter a new world in every book, then perhaps, for you, vicarious new love will always be within reach.

(*Note: The Author is neither advocating, nor opposing the escapism implied in this concept, she merely sympathizes with you all, and reminds herself to remember the words of our Old Friend: "It does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live.")

This vicarious new love can be exciting, but it fades more quickly than a real (typical) infatuation. Some romances (the smutty ones), also try to vicariously induce other responses. These can be especially enticing to women, as it provides an emotional context for eroticism, that pornographic imagery often (I assume) lacks.

(*Note: The Author wishes to make it very clear, that she believes pornography in any form is detrimental to relationships, families, and individuals. Here she recommends strict self-control.)

Finally, we arrive at Twilight, a series that combines two genius tension builders.

First, Danger: One morning Stephenie Meyer awoke from a Dream involving a girl and a Vampire with two problems. One, they were in love, and two, her blood was (somehow) more enticing to him than any other. For those of you who have not read Twilight, Stephenie Meyer's Vampires do not merely enjoy drinking blood, it is a constant, raging, painful thirst. To deny themselves, as the Cullens do, is torture. In addition, it is occasionally possible for certain blood to attract certain Vampires (as is the case with Edward and Bella). Therefore, Bella is in constant danger from the Vampire's around her, and specifically from the one she has fallen for.

Second, Sexual Tension: While most modern romance novels (even many written for teens) contain sexual encounters, Twilight, and two of its sequels, do not. By making Edward chivalrous and a bit old fashioned, Stephenie Meyer was able to reconcile the modern romance with her own personal beliefs. Whether or not she also intended to draw out sexual tension, is unknown.

The Result
The combination of these tensions allow the author to break some of the rules of her genre, beginning by allowing the two main characters to be together. They immediately show interest in each other, and, after some initial ignoring, they spend all their time together. This is allowable because, where most romance series keep you asking, "When, when, when will they [hero and heroine] get together," Twilight makes you ask, "How, how, how will this ever work?"

Because we are constantly, morbidly curious to see if the hero will kill the heroine, there is no typical let down after the milestones in their relationship. Innocent moments like the first date, first touch, and first kiss become passion ridden, dangerously critical trials of endurance and love.

Edward explains that Bella would especially be in danger if they experimented sexually, and tries to keep them as far from that situation as possible. Eventually, it is also revealed that he wants to "wait" for marriage. By giving her characters a boundary that they must avoid as widely as possible, Meyer can have Bella and Edward flirt inch by dangerous inch along the path of their desire, exploring forms of affection (like cuddling) that the modern romance often completely ignores (They can't even french kiss, for fear of Bella cutting herself on Edward's sharp teeth). With each fractional increase, the danger intensifies, and Edward must find new depths of self-control!

Talk about tension!!!

Okay....breathe.

So there's your answer: tension and euphoria. (And welcome to the Denouement of my post.) As humans, we've learned, the greater the tension, the greater the euphoria, right? I'm not going to tell you if Twilight payed off, you'll just have to read the books for yourself.

Also, I wanted to add that, while I have illustrated what might make the works of Stephenie Meyer attractive and popular, I do not mean this to be a review of their literary merit. I leave that up to professional and personal opinions.

Hopefully I've answered some questions, I certainly enjoyed trying.

The End

(Why do I suddenly feel like having a cigarette....?)

Timeline of Obsession

2008-12-30T10:44:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking lately about the nature of obsession. I don't want to get into that right now, but my thoughts on it have lead me to realize that I have a bit of an obsessive personality. In my mind, an obsession is recurrent thoughts on a particular subject. Ones mind returns to this subject over, and over, when it's not busy with, or distracted by, other things.

In thinking about my obsessions, I realized that I can follow them like stepping stones into my past. The trail ends during my first year at BYU (03/04) after which I can no longer remember the order of my obsessions, or even all of them. The ones that stick out, are the ones I returned to over and over again.

P.S. Do not assume that these obsessions were on the heels of each other. Some of them overlapped, and some had days, weeks, or months in between. In addition, just because I focus on something during my free time, does not mean it is the most important thing to me (for example, I don't consider myself obsessed with my husband at the moment, but that doesn't mean I don't love/think about him.

_______________

Blogging
shirt.woot.com
Harry Potter
Twilight
Chris/Marriage to Chris
Chris/Wedding to Chris
Chris/Figuring out Chris
Singleness/A Guy who's name I'm keeping to myself
Twilight
A Good Friend/Chris, lack thereof
Harry Potter
Chris/Breaking up with Chris
Chris/Dating Chris
Chris/Getting to know Chris
Weston/Harry Potter/Gilmore Girls
Dustin/Harry Potter/Gilmore Girls
Isaac/Harry Potter/Gilmore Girls
Harry Potter
Issac/Harry Potter
Harry Potter/Random Movie Quotes
Harry Potter
Star Wars
The Scarlet Pimpernel
Star Wars

_____________

Here we enter the land of vague. I would say there is a tie between Harry Potter, Star Wars, Star Trek, and Anne Perry's Mysteries. Runners up include: Jane Austen, Lloyd Alexander Books, Anne of Green Gables, The Scarlet Pimpernel, The Dark is Rising Sequence, Gene Stratton Porter, and The Little House Books.

Oh and half of 2001 I had a crush on a guy named Bradley (Yes, that Bradley).

So there you have it.

My conclusions?
1. Written words have more power over me than music (notice there are no albums up there), I didn't even think of any until just now, but they'd probably have to include Wicked, Into the Woods, and The Beatles. I also realize that I haven't included any of my favorite causes. Oh well.
2. Apparently Chris' only real rival for my affections is Harry Potter.... (not!)

Question: Is Edward Cullen an Abusive Boyfriend?

2008-12-29T10:52:00.000-08:00

Answer: I don't think so, but we'll see.

Disclaimer: I managed to read all four Twilight books without falling in love with Edward Cullin. I think he's an interesting character, he's just not the kind of guy I'd want (Plus, he's NOT REAL). That being said, I was kind of obsessed with the books for a while, but I got over it. I think this puts me in a unique position. I don't think Stephenie Meyer's saga is "tHE beSt EvEr!" but I enjoyed them, and think they're fun. If you think it's silly to analyze fictional characters, you won't enjoy this, so go away.

If you intend to, but have not yet read the Twilight series, consider this your warning: Spoilers Ahead!

Now, I've been thinking about this since dear Liz, Nicole (miss you!) and I talked about it on Saturday. Is Bella in an abusive relationship? Well, I looked up a few websites, and can easily claim that NO she is not. Of the ten characteristics listed on this site, Edward only has three (as does Bella), so I conclude that he is not abusive....Physically.

Unfortunately, Edward and Bella's relationship is a candidate for Ambient (or Stealth) Abuse.

According to Dr. Sam Vaknin's book, "Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited," ambient abuse is, "...the stealth, subtle, underground currents of maltreatment that sometimes go unnoticed even by the victims themselves, until it is too late. ...It is the outcome of fear."

By subtly introducing fear to a victim (or prey, as Vaknin says) an ambient abuser renders him or her useless and easily manipulated....it's all about control.

Now, here comes the age old debate on Desire. If someone doesn't want to, or intend to hurt you, are they still responsible for it? This will be important.

It is my assertion that Edward can be considered an Ambient Abuser, when who he is, is added to what he is.

Vaknin gives five categories of Ambient Abuse. One can be considered abuse, but, by the nature of his personality, we can assign Edward two or three. In addition, by the nature of his species, we can assign him the other two. So, while he does not seem abusive, it does appear that Bella is being abused.

Let's begin.

I. Inducing Disorientation (Not Edward's Fault)

"The abuser causes the victim to lose faith in her ability to manage and to cope with the world and its demands." Let's face it, Bella has never had much faith in her ability to begin with, Edward didn't cause that.

"The abuser subverts the target's focus by disagreeing with her way of perceiving the world, her judgment, the facts of her existence, by criticizing her incessantly – and by offering plausible but specious alternatives. By constantly lying, he blurs the line between reality and nightmare."

Edward does lie to Bella, when he is trying to protect her, but she can usually tell. He often criticizes her, but in a charming way. He has the habit of trying to convince her she is good and beautiful (things she does not believe) but often teases her about her intelligence and logic (things that she is more confident in).

"Bella, you are utterly absurd" (Twilight p. 82). "You don’t see yourself very clearly, you know. I’ll admit you’re dead-on about the bad things, but you didn’t hear what every human male in this school was thinking on your first day" (210). Edward is constantly trying to convince Bella to believe the opposite, to see herself as he sees her. It's not intended malignantly, and Bella never buys it anyway. While Edward often disapproves of Bella's choices (as do many others) she usually is convinced she's done the right thing. However, he does introduce her to a new world, a world where her previous notions and beliefs cannot exist, a world of vampires and mythology. This, more than anything, seems to make Bella reassess herself, her life. She is ready to accept almost anything.

II. Incapacitating (Both Edward's Fault and Not Edward's Fault)

"The abuser gradually and surreptitiously takes over functions and chores previously adequately and skilfully performed by the victim. The prey finds itself isolated from the outer world, a hostage to the goodwill – or, more often, ill-will – of her captor. She is crippled by his encroachment and by the inexorable dissolution of her boundaries and ends up totally dependent on her tormentor's whims and desires, plans and stratagems." Edward is Chivalrous. He drives her to school, he protects her from harm, he makes sure she eats. Here's where intent comes in play. Does he like it when she's helpless and depends solely on him, or is he merely a little old fashioned and service-oriented. After all, he usually drives his whole family to school....but it is his car.

"Moreover, the abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is sorely needed. The abuser makes sure that his knowledge, his skills, his connections, or his traits are the only ones applicable and the most useful in the situations that he, himself, wrought. The abuser generates his own indispensability." This Edward has not done purposefully. At first, he is of the greatest danger to Bella, but quickly becomes her best defense. Did he somehow entice enemies (James, Victoria, the Volturi) to Bella in order to have the opportunity to save her? Don't be silly. He defends her completely, hates that he has to, and blames himself for exposing her to his world in the first-place (cue self-loathing).

III. Shared Psychosis (folie a deux) (Not Edward's Fault)

"The abuser creates a fantasy world, inhabited by the victim and himself, and besieged by imaginary enemies. He allocates to the abused the role of defending this invented and unreal Universe. She must swear to secrecy, stand by her abuser no matter what, lie, fight, pretend, obfuscate and do whatever else it takes to preserve this oasis of inanity." The fantasy world that Bella and Edward inhabit is real (at least to them). However, it does call for secrecy and solidarity. This, in part, is what makes Edward so enticing to Bella and other (real) women.

"Her membership in the abuser's "kingdom" is cast as a privilege and a prize. But it is not to be taken for granted. She has to work hard to earn her continued affiliation. She is constantly being tested and evaluated. Inevitably, this interminable stress reduces the victim's resistance and her ability to "see straight"." Again, this is not engineered by Edward, but by the nature of Vampires and Bella herself. She has never fit in anywhere, and suddenly is welcomed in by the most beautiful, strongest, fastest, "coolest," people around. So of course, when Edward leaves and tries to "save" her from herself, she only craves him more. Soon he becomes her be all, end all. She cannot live without him.

Can you imagine what it would have been like if Stephenie Meyer ended her series showing Bella and Edward in some mental institution and you realize that he made the whole thing up! I probably would have been mad, but it would have been awesome in a creepy way.

IV. Abuse of Information (Edward's Fault)

"From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the abuser is on the prowl. He collects information. The more he knows about his potential victim – the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert it "to the cause"." Edward did this. He wanted to know everything about Bella, partly because he couldn't read her thoughts, and partly because he was in lust with her (at that point, I don't think he loved her, physically he's still seventeen, but I could be wrong). While we know his intention was not manipulation, on page 208 of Twilight Edward says, "I do want to know what you’re thinking — everything," and on 245, "You fascinate me." While he does care what Bella thinks, that doesn't always affect his actions. As long as she is happy and satisfied, where's the harm? Dangerous situation coming to town? Don't tell Bella, just take her to visit her mother.

"The abuser does not hesitate to misuse the information he gleans, regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armory." While Edward does not seem manipulative for the sake of manipulation, he is willing to stoop that low if he believes it is for Bella's own good. He insists that she will lose her soul if she becomes a vampire (though he doesn't really know), but she won't drop it, so he offers to make a deal. He offers her what she wants in return for what he wants. Compromise, right? But is it an accident that he asks for something that she is afraid to give? Did he infer this fear, and use it against her? Or was he unaware of it? Even though her fears are unfounded, it makes her rethink her original request. For a while, it looks like he might get his way. (Of course, she later turns things back on him, and proves that she can be just as devious, and in the end they both get what they want almost by accident.)

V. Control by Proxy (Edward's Fault and Not Edward's Fault)

"If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers – in short, third parties – to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done." Remember when Alice "kidnaps" Bella for that forced slumber "party?" Remember all those times when Charlie gets over-protective and Edward agrees with him when it keeps Bella where he wants her? True, he is trying to protect her from her own impulsiveness, and he definitely doesn't "dump" his allies (Alice is probably his best friend, and he has a lot of respect for Charlie), but he does overrule her in logical matters. He insists that he knows better.

"Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or a social group become the instruments of the abuser." This is not Edward, but, as above, we have seen that his world has caused this. The Volturi, random nomadic vampires, and even the local gossip mill all cause Bella grief.

Desire

As stated above Edward believes he knows what is best, or rather safest, for Bella, but is he wrong in trying to overrule and protect her? In truth, he is usually (but not always) right. Not because he is a man, not because he is older, but because, as a vampire, his brain works on a higher level. His synapses fire more rapidly, he has a perfect memory, and he's been to college several times. In comparison, Bella's mind is like a child. Is is wrong for you, as an adult, to see a child wandering the streets and take them to Child Protective Services? You have no authority over that child, yet what you did would be seen as heroic, even if the child prefers living on the streets. Many have complained that this kind of behavior is proof that Stephenie Meyer is anti-feminist, but she insists that she is merely, "anti-human." (stepheniemeyer.com) Looking at some of her other characters (Alice for one) does seem to make this argument viable. However, this "anti-human" sentiment is present for three books, books that are written in the first person. This can make it dangerous to those who may misinterpret the author's intentions, as Bella generally seems reasonable to herself and, therefore, the reader.

Conclusions

Despite his inclination to jealousy, self-loathing, and his own acknowledged "God complex" (Midnight Sun, p. 11) Edward Cullen is merely a borderline ambient abuser. He allows his desire to protect Bella to overcome his respect for her individuality. However, when the object of his concern (namely, Bella's human frailty) is extinguished, he begins to trust her more completely. He doesn't like to see her in dangerous situations, but stops being deceitful in order to keep her from them.

While it does seem as though Bella was experiencing all of the above abuses, few of them were actually caused, let alone intended, by Edward. However, had Bella remained human, we can only assume that the inequality of their relationship would have continued.

Perhaps we can assume that any human-vampire relationship would be, by nature, abusive in addition to dangerous.

Arguing that Edward abuses Bella is feasible, but not really fair. We are attempting to judge a cross-species relationship in a fantasy world. Now if you want to try to argue that Bella is abusing herself....

To all you women who wish for an Edward in your life....you may want to think again.

_______

Please don't shoot me:

To fellow fans of Twilight, please allow me the enjoyment I've had playing devil's advocate. As stated above, I like Stephenie Meyer, her books, and characters, but that doesn't mean we should accept everything she's written as a perfect dream to pursue without some serious consideration.

To all you Twilight haters, don't begrudge me the harmless fun of my escapist tendencies. I've overcome my obsession and lived to laugh at myself. I know it's hard to accept that so many people are so obsessed with something you find so valueless, but please, at least it's not High School Musical.

Sometimes, Maybe, Yes

2008-12-22T12:43:00.000-08:00

In case you haven't noticed, my husband looks a bit like Edward Norton. Since this is the case, we couldn't resist dressing up as Marla Singer and The Narrator from Fight Club for Halloween last year:

"I am Jack's complete lack of surprise."

But this similarity has caused some hilarity at church.

It started one Sunday after Chris and I had given talks in Sacrament Meeting. Chris had rambled a bit during his talk and somehow ended up talking about how he has a bit of a temper in the car and gets frustrated the with drivers around him.

Well, one of our Bishop's sons (aged 7) came up to Chris and asked him in a semi-amazed voice, "You get angry?"

"Sometimes," my husband replied.

We thought it was cute, but dismissed it from our minds....until Halloween.

On Halloween, we were helping with the Ward party, and the kids were running around costumed and candied up. The same boy stopped near my husband, turned to him and asked, "Are you the Incredible Hulk?"

Chris, being the kind of guy he is, looked at the boy and said, "Maybe."

He ran off, presumably to tell his brothers, and Chris found me to tell me what he'd said. We had a good laugh, and then I went back to painting faces.

Later that night, the boy's older (and more skeptical) brother, came up to him again to ask, "Did you play the Hulk?"

To which Chris promptly replied, "Yes."

It was only after, on the way home, that we made the connection to his question a few weeks before, no wonder he was worried about Chris getting angry!

Finally, last night, we went to drop off some Christmas cookies to their family and, while I took care of the "Merry Christmas," "How are you," and other pleasantries, Chris was getting an esteem boost.

Upon seeing Chris, the seven year old ran to the TV and came back with The Hulk. Peering out from behind his parents, he waved the movie at my husband (I missed this). Next he grabbed his Hulk toy to show Chris (I had no clue). Finally, clutching both, he ran out of sight, squealing to his brothers, "The Incredible Hulk is here!" (Still, I was oblivious).

As we walked to the car, Chris filled me in on the hilarity, and I barely managed to contain myself.

I love kids! I don't know how I feel about my husband lying to them, but seriously....in this case....wouldn't you?

Maybe we should make dressing up like characters from Ed Norton movies a Halloween tradition?

....Nah!....

Wordle

2008-12-22T11:49:00.001-08:00

I've been wanting to make one of these for a while....

Silly Things I do for no Good Reason

2008-12-11T17:34:00.000-08:00

Okay, I am weird (ask anyone), but there is often method to my madness, so I've decided to share a few, heck if I think of more, this could be a regular occurrence on ye olde blog.

Silly Things I do for no Good Reason (other than that I am a dork).

1) You may have noticed (see previous post) that I generally put one too many periods in my ellipses.
.... instead of ...

I started doing that in COLLEGE.

Why?
Make a guess, and then click. (You can catch it there twice....)

2) You may have noticed the way I eat (this is two-fold)
a. I eat with my fork in the left hand, tines down
Why?
Because my mom said it was the British way (Yay, my celebrated half-of-me!). (Later, I discovered it is considered Continental. That's good enough for me!)

b. I eat my salad first, and then put a little bit of everything else on my fork and chew it together.
Why? Good question.
I'm not sure why or when I started doing this (I had one friend who thought is was so gross, she was of the anti food-groups-touching-each-other camp). I think it must have stemmed from a dislike of the taste of vegetables. I began using favorite foods to flavor less desirable ones. Now, it's the only way I eat. I'd be sacrilege in France (le sigh).
My Aunt likes it, because she says it reminds her of an *Emma Thompson character who was always creating "the perfect bite." That's what I do! What a perfect way to put it. That's why my plate always ends up looking like a post-hurricane wreckage, because all the leftover pieces don't have corresponding flavors!

Okay, so I'm weird. We all knew this but now?

We have proof.

*Let me know if you know the title of that movie....

Is it the Spirit....or is it just gas?

2008-12-11T15:27:00.000-08:00

Inspired by the ever faithful Liz and Nicole, my hilarious/intelligent cousin, and my new Token Asian Friend, I have decided to be a more faithful blogger (we'll see what happens).

So here it is:

Attention: This is a slightly LDS-centric post because, well, I'm LDS. If you are confused by anything you read here, check out mormon.org, or wikipedia

Is it the Spirit....or is it Just Gas?

It was only a mild surprise on Sunday, to see the bishop of our ward beckoning to me during Sunday School. Hadn't I joked with Chiemi two days before about replacing her as Primary 1st councilor (we decided that I was needed as chorister too much)? So I followed him to his office, sat down, and exchanged the usual pleasantries. "Sister Puppé," the bishop asked, "did your husband tell you I called him to be the ward mission leader today?" What? Not only was I getting Chiemi's calling, Chris was getting her husband's!

Hilarious, right?

He then continued, "And I'd like to call you to be the ward Primary President."

....

....um

....Of course I accepted. I know the call was from the Lord. But there was still that little....wait, you mean me? feeling.

Funnily enough, the thought had crossed my mind that morning. My mind's response? "Yeah right, that'll never happen *mind-snort."

Everyone struggles with every calling, no matter how involved it is, I know I have, and everyone has different fears when it comes to each one.

Mine??

Teach under-twelve-year-olds the gospel?--No Problem
Come up with ideas to acheive this?--Piece of Cake
Learn an entire program backwards and forwards?--Bring it on

(Wait, did I just steal all of those lines from Cuzco? So much for creativity.)

But there are Three things that scare me about this calling. I'm talking literally PETRIFY.

1) I have to be Organized (okay, I can do this when it really matters, it's just so darn hard!)
2) I have to be in charge of the Money (right, I can also do this, it just doesn't come naturally)
3) I have to make Decisions (here's where the petrification part comes in)

Okay, now let me explain. I am a pretty self-assured, intelligent person. I admire and respect myself, and my abilities. But when it comes to big decisions, or receiving Revelation I get pretty intimidated.

I mean, it took me a year and a half to decide to marry my husband!

Still, I knew I'd be okay once I chose my councilors (and replaced myself as chorister), but I had to hurry. You see, I was called and set apart the same day so that the new Stake Directories would be up to date.

Chiemi is still doing sharing time, thank goodness, but the rest of the former presidency will be out of town!

Okay, on to the dilemma of my post!

How do you know if what you're feeling is the spirit or something else? (emotion, wishful thinking, gas....) Here I am agonizing over names, wishing for a voice or that over-powering, perfectly right feeling , or something. Okay, I didn't really expect a voice, but the feeling? Where's the impression, the thought, the peace?

I don't mean to complain, but I've been so frustrated. So of course, instead of having faith/hope/patience or any of those other necessary qualities, I start hammering on myself. (What's wrong with me? Why does this scare me so much? Where's the Spirit?) and all those other stupid things we say to ourselves instead of doing the faith/hope/patience thing.

So by last night, I'd worked myself into a frenzy. Earlier in the afternoon, I'd pretty much decided on my councilors, but then I began to doubt. It was so subtle, what if I misunderstood? Surely I'd feel more strong, more sure. Round and round, and over and over, spinning, searching, praying, crying, self-rebuking, and still feeling lost. Upon reaching the heaving, sobbing-into-husband's-chest stage, the logical portion of my brain broke free and said, "Wait! This isn't normal! This feels like crazy hormones." Ah, yes, my old enemies. They ignore me throughout my teen years and then pounce unexpectedly at 22. Good old hormones.

(Now you're probably thinking maybe I'm just imbalanced, imature, or some other im....but if I notice a pattern to these crazy times, who are you to tell me otherwise.)

At this point, I realized further thought/worry on the subject would be the opposite of productive, so I put it aside, requested a blessing from my husband, and went to sleep. (Consequentally, I have a renewed appreciation for the power of the priesthood, and the incredible strength and worthiness of priesthood holders)

So today, determined to do things right, I start from scratch, feeling almost nothing, but in general a few little hints.

Guess what? Same two names.
Guess what else? I'm starting to have some doubts....

The Ultimate Color Test (not really)

2008-11-21T15:36:00.000-08:00

Sorry it's been forever! And sorry this is such a lame post, but I liked this. Of course, it's almost so vague it could be about a lot of people...hmm....I still like it. Oh well :)

The Ultimate Color Test

When you are at peace, you are:

Giving and unselfish

When you are moved to act, you are:

Giving and warm

When you are inspired, you are:

Flexible and experimental

When your life is perfectly balanced, you are:

Philosophical and expressive

Your life's purpose is:

To change the world

The Ultimate Color Test

Confessions of a Bruised Mind

2008-08-18T09:38:00.000-07:00

I slept in today.

What is it about a bed that makes one feel safe?

Sleep is safe, but

Closed eyes? Alone in a bed?

What's so safe about that?

And yet

I prolong it.

The alarm keeps going

And I

Keep hitting snooze.

Finally, a different phone sound

Curiosity, my saving virtue

Who has texted me?

So I am distracted and, before I know it

Officially awake.

Check something off my list.

Pills, fiber, those are easy,

No thought required.

And then I head back to bed.

Because there is another thing that happens near that location

But I'm trying not to think about it.

See, the thing is,

It's really hard to pretend when you pray.

And

If I let my guard down

I'll start crying.

I'd probably feel better

But I'd also be caught

Once again

In the never-ending cycle

It's easier to get distracted

To get caught up in the magic of words

And turn fear into poetry

Cause a poem can't hurt

Except

My eyes are full

Keepers of the Children

2008-07-11T11:53:00.000-07:00

Look for the Logo!

Every time I pass a group of tough looking bikers, I look for the BACA patch. BACA, Bikers Against Child Abuse, was started by John Paul "Chief" Lilly (who happens to be a friend of a friend), a child therapist. Working with families, social workers, therapists and the police department, BACA provides four levels of intervention for abused children. During a first visit, the whole chapter (20-80 bikers!) meets up with the child, gives them a BACA vest, some stickers and toys, and the contact information for the two closest members. They are sending a message to the child that they are now part of the BACA family, a big, loud, tough family. And nobody better mess with their family.

BACA does not condone violence, they perform ridebys and show up for court dates, just to be there for the child. They want the child to be empowered, but they are also sending a message to the abusers.

Listen to their creed:

I am a member of Bikers Against Child Abuse. The die has been cast. The decision has been made. I have stepped over the line. I wont look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.

My past has prepared me, my present makes sense, and my future is secure. I'm finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need pre-eminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by the faith in my works, and lean on the strength of my brothers and sisters. I love with patience, live by prayer, and labor with power.

My fate is set, my gait is fast, my goal is the ultimate safety of children. My road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are tried and true, my Guide is reliable, my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I wont give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, and showed up for all wounded children. I must go until I drop, ride until I give out, and work till He stops me. And when He comes for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me, for He will see my BACA backpatch and know that I am one of His. I am a member of Bikers Against Child Abuse, and this is my creed.

Chief
Founder, Bikers Against Child Abuse, Inc.

These couragous men and women have found a need and are filling it. They are my heroes!
This video is about ten minutes, but it's totally worth watching:

Thanks--Written in January

2008-05-20T11:05:00.000-07:00

Thanks for Being the Kind of Friend
The kind of friend
I can always count on

Thanks for being the kind of friend
who knows all my secrets
because you've listened long enough for me to get them all out

Thanks for being the kind of friend
who teaches me
how to be better friends with others

Thanks for being the kind of friend
who knows when I need to talk
about nothing

Thanks for being the kind of friend
who'd loan me money
and even be aware I need it in the first place

Thanks for being the kind of friend
who can't resist
speaking his mind

Thanks for being the kind of friend
that makes me think twice
about moving away

Thanks for being the kind of friend
who will always
respect and protect me

Thanks
Thanks for being

My Songs

2008-03-06T22:07:00.000-08:00

It was bonding time. Liann, my Resident Assistant, asked us to go around the circle and share our Theme Song. I didn't know what to pick. Of course, it was important to me. I love my personality, and I love defining it for myself and others. I also love music. Here was an opportunity to define myself with song, a fabulous form of communication, but I could not think of what it would be. Dissatisfied, and a little disgusted, I volunteered what I realize now was my Love Theme Song. Everyone, "Awwwed," and I tried to retain my self-respect.

When I Fall in Love

When I fall in love it will be forever
Or Ill never fall in love
In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before its begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give my heart it will be completely
Or Ill never give my heart
And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you.

Cheesy, but adequate. Really, I only need the first two lines to describe my attitude toward love. It probably wasn't a very smart attitude, but it did come true. I finally fell in love, and it will be forever. As a child I thought it would be great, and make the most sense, to marry the first man I dated. Well, I am going to do that, but it took five years of off and on dating to get there.

(But it is kind of nice to know he is the only man I've ever loved, and that I'm the only woman he's ever loved.)

As I've matured and discovered what love really is, I find it nearly impossible to find a song to actually describe this ever changing, constantly surprising, and exquisitely more dear every day feeling.

However, because I am planning my wedding, I have been forced to do this very thing. The best Chris and I could come up with (and I really think we did quite well), was an old favorite from one of our favorite movies.

Proof that there is a hopeless romantic in each of us:

Beauty and the Beast

Tale as old as time
True as it can be
Barely even friends
Then somebody bends
Unexpectedly

Just a little change
Small to say the least
Both a little scared
Neither one prepared
Beauty and the beast

Ever just the same
Ever a surprise
Ever just as sure
Ever as before
As the sun will rise

Certain as the sun
Rising in the east
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the beast

Now don't misunderstand, Chris may be hairy, but he is NOT a beast! I hope I don't have to add a disclaimer to my Wedding Song....

But I really do think this is a good way to tell our story. What was once so surprising has become the surest thing in my life. He is a great source of strength and luster to my world. (And yes, I just glanced at him fondly, though he doesn't know because he is sleeping on my couch.)

Anyway, back to my college years, while I did not come up with my perfect Theme Song at the perfect moment, I did, of course, realize what it was about a month [too]later.

If I had Wings

If I had wings no one would ask me should I fly
The bird sings, no one asks why.
I can see in myself wings as I feel them
If you see something else, keep your thoughts to yourself,
I’ll fly free then.

Yesterday’s eyes see their colors fading away
They see their sun turning to grey
You can’t share in a dream, that you don’t believe in
If you say that you see and pretend to be me
You won’t be then.

How can you ask if I’m happy goin’ my way?
You might as well ask a child at play!
There’s no need to discuss or understand me
I won’t ask of myself to become something else
I’ll just be me!

If I had wings no one would ask me should I fly
The bird sings, and no one asks her why.
I can see in myself wings as I feel them
If you see something else, keep your thoughts to yourself,
I’ll fly free then.

So I was finally satisfied. Here was a song to define me as undefinable, along with free and unique.

I thought I was done, but I was wrong.

A few months ago, at a Relief Society Enrichment Meeting, a music lesson brought up the old question, "What is your theme song." The teacher went beyond, saying that we should have several songs for different things. She quoted research on the usefulness of having a personal Fight Song.

Well, fortunately, I figured out mine almost immediately. I picked the song that most inspires me to action (Yes, me and action, sometimes we get together).

(It is from the FABULOUS musical The Scarlet Pimpernel)

Into the Fire


David walked into the valley

With a stone clutched in his hand

He was only a boy

But he knew someone must take a stand



There will always be a valley

Always mountains one must scale

There will always be perilous waters

Which someone must sail



Into valleys, into waters

Into jungles, into hell

Let us ride, let us ride home again with a story to tell

Into darkness, into danger

Into storms that rip the night

Don't give in, but give up

But give thanks for the glorious fight



You can tremble, you can fear it

But keep your fighting spirit alive boys

Let the shiver of it sting you

Fling into battle, spring to your feet boys

Never hold back your step for a moment

Never doubt that your courage will grow

Hold your head even higher and into the fire we go 



Are there mountains that surround us?

Are there walls that block the way?

Knock 'em down, strip 'em back boys

And forward and into the fray



Into terror, into valour

Charge ahead, no, never turn

Yes, it's into the fire we fly

And the devil will burn



Someone has to face the valley

Rush in, we have to rally and win boys

When the world is saying not to

By God, you know you've got to march on, boys

Never hold back your step for a moment

Never doubt that your courage will grow

Hold your head ever higher and into the fire we go 



Let the lightning strike

Let the flash of it shock you

Choke your fears away

Pull as tight as a wire

Let the fever strike

Let the force of it rock you

We will have our day, sailing into the fire



Someone has to face the valley

Rush in! We have to rally and win boys

When the world is saying not to

By God, you know you've got to march on, boys

Never hold back your step for a moment

Look alive! Oh, your courage will grow

Yes, it's higher and higher and into the fire we go

Into fire!

Onward, ho!

I love this song, because it teaches the importance of the "Someones" in our lives. We can choose to let someone take care of things, or we can stand up and volunteer to be Someone.

So there they are, a few thoughts on my four songs, written with four people and the television distracting me.

Haiku Challenge

2007-12-14T11:51:00.000-08:00

So I was playing around with Facebook and I made a penguin picture on Superwall....it reminded of a haiku I wrote in college that I was very proud of. Haiku are traditionally about nature, so we were asked to go through a National Graphic and choose something as our inspiration.

Here's where the challenge comes in! I'd like all of you to do the same. Just take a few minutes and either grab a magazine, or use google. Write a haiku about a picture you find. I couldn't find my original picture, but this one carries the feeling fairly well.

I like haiku....good ones are like See's Candy. Just take a few and savor the moment!

Here I go:

Black and White Romance

Cold air Cannot Cool ardor

Penguins are kissing

OK, now it's your turn!

Why do I always write when I am unhappy?

2007-11-23T22:03:00.000-08:00

It seems to me that when my life shatters around me (even in a small way), I pick up the pieces, arrange them in a pleasing fashion, and then send them out into the oblivion of the internet. This somehow both makes me feel better as well as feel heard....which is funny, cause I only know of one person who regularly reads this blog.

And I don't do it for her, though I like it when she reads. Mostly, I find myself hoping that those who read it are time wasters I do not know, who, when they do (or sometimes do not) have a few minutes, give in to that siren above labeled "Next Blog."

It's like a roulette wheel isn't it? You never know what could happen. Sure you get stuff in Japanese, or someone trying to sell you performance enhancing drugs, but sometimes you find small gems, miracles even.

Maybe I'm addicted because I hit the jack-pot my first time? See the link on the side? To the Librarian's site? She's awesome! Because of her, I will have recommended titles to last my whole life!

So I guess I like to pretend that other people play roulette too, and that they find my blog. In my head, they read everything, enjoy it, think I'm unique (that's very important in many of my fantasies) etc.

I guess this is the essence of what appeals to me about blogging. It's a safe way to share my near-deepest secrets/fledgling artistic impulses with some people I know and, somehow, everyone I don't know.

Beyond that, it gives my writing purpose. It can feel fruitless otherwise.

So why am I writing tonight? Because I had an emotional crisis this week? I did actually, but I didn't write about it, I told my boyfriend instead.

I think I'm writing, slightly, because I miss it, partially, because I was inspired by the author of Awkward Things, and, mostly, because my boyfriend is in Utah and I have nothing to do on a three-day weekend!

How pathetic that sounds.

But still, it is annoying to have your love/therapist/chief source of entertainment fly away when you're on holiday.

.....I guess what I'm saying is, I'd like to apologize to you, my invisible, yet assuredly intelligent, friends for not posting much lately. Everything that has happened to me lately has been either excruciating and therefore artistic energy sapping (very few things), or peaceful and wonderful (most things).

So guess what World Wide Web? I'm in love.

....Not that anyone's paying attention.

Choosing the Right

2007-09-24T01:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's a comfort
to know you were right
all along
but sometimes
it'd be nice
if you were right right now
cause that would mean
you were
wrong last time

It isn't fun to doubt yourself
but sometimes it gives you hope
in things that cannot be
that you've already decided against
because it makes sense
to be against
that which makes sense
somehow

And logic votes both for and against
but instinct and God are conspiring
against loneliness
to keep you safe
from yourself
by yourself

and you yourself know
what you will do
because you make the same choice
every time
but you have to arrive
from a new place
with new tools
in a new mind
remembering right
again

Hannah wears a hat

2007-09-18T16:06:00.000-07:00

Today I met Hannah, and now I cannot stop thinking about her. At first, I just looked and looked. I had heard of her, but was in no way prepared for the impression she made on me. I came home determined to learn more about her. Surely, all I had to do was google her name?

Hannah wears a hat

Hannah doesn't run, she rides

Hannah has her own space and everyone has to respect it

Hannah is petite

Hannah is always late

According to google, Hannah Wang is a model

***

Hannah wears a hat

because she has no hair

Hannah doesn't run, she rides

because her bones are brittle from osteoporosis

Hannah has her own space and everyone has to respect it

so they don't hurt her

Hannah is petite

because her body cannot grow the way it should

Hannah is always late

because a full day of school would be too taxing

Hannah Wang is a fourth grader, but google has never heard of her

Hannah Wang has progeria

Coward Pt. II

2007-08-29T20:09:00.000-07:00

So you take a chance.

You bite the bullet.

You try to be noble, to be responsible. You take one for the team, for the world.

Who are you to waste your life being happy?

So you steel yourself for adulthood and make yourself sick in the process. You want to die. You can’t eat because there’s no room in your stomach. Your body is as unwilling to let go as your mind.

You can’t relax.

You can’t let go of the worry, the fear.

It would be easier with a partner, either professionally or socially. A teammate to share the responsibility of your life with.

You’re good at making decisions, but you don’t like having the last say. It’s easier with someone more sure, someone to refer to.

You don’t like stopping the buck.

You don’t like holding the destinies of other people’s children in your hands.

Somehow, you know it will be different with your own children, you’ll definitely have a partner then. And they come one at a time. And you love them more than yourself even before they are born. You love them now.

But you don’t have them now.

So you have to do something else.

Because you feel guilty just waiting around.

So you take a chance.

But you still can’t relax.

Coward

2007-08-26T19:26:00.000-07:00

Do you know what it is to walk through life knowing that mediocre for you is still better than what most people can produce? So you never rise to your full potential because you don’t need to.

It’s only a half victory to be praised for what you know is really just a pathetic attempt, a last-minute, scrapped together, half-hearted effort.

Even though you know it is good, it’ll never be as good as you knew it could be. Any accomplishment is over-shadowed by what it should have been, by what you know you are capable of.

Is it wrong to be used to seeming amazing to most others? To be apathetic about your own impressiveness? You don’t like caring what most people think about you, it protects you from their negativity, but it also makes their praise seem less valuable.

But you still go on knowing your potential and value....you just never seem to do anything about it. And you wonder if you’ll ever really do something amazing, truly amazing. You have suspicion of your own greatness, but you don’t know if you’ll ever realize it. You slog along in the ditches of humanity, feeling alone in the concourses of people you love. You’re happy, but never really content.

You could break free, you could go climb a mountain, or start a rebellion, but it would be a lot of work, and it would take far too long.

You don’t need glory, but it would be nice to feel alive with purpose instead of potential. You don’t need accomplishment, but if you’ve never truly felt it, can you really know?

And then you realize that you are a coward. You are afraid of working too hard, of feeling too much. You are disdainful of human realities, but by refusing to partake, you deny yourself and all mankind the blessed prospect of your creations.

Whatever they might be.

To my fellow Latter-Day Saints: He may be ignorant, but he's got a few points....

2007-08-22T14:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, my fellow Latter-Day Saints:

This Blog:

http://www.helium.com/tm/179056/since-utahs-government-overwhelmingly

Was posted in response to the question: "Can a Mormon get elected President of the U.S."

The author makes many ridiculous, ill-informed statements. It is probable that most of the Mormon doctrine he knows has been given to him third-hand. He makes generalizations that really apply only to HIS experiences, or his "friends."

So why am I concerned? Because, there is NO WAY that ALL of these things are lies/misunderstandings. This man has faced ignorance and PREJUDICE from his Mormon neighbors.

It stinks. But it happens. We never said we were perfect, we just said our doctrine is.

When was the last time you were the only LDS person in a room full of people? How did you feel? What if it was like that all the time? When was the last time you were with someone who was the only person who was NOT LDS in the room? This is rare for some.

Do you remember? Was it difficult? Were you polite? I'm sure you were, but you can still be polite and IGNORANT. Did you use LDS Lingo that left them confused? Did you speak about "The Church" as if it is the only one in existence?

Yes we believe we have the fullness of the Gospel, but do we discount all other religions and the good they teach/do?

Do we remember that other people were not raised like us, that they have different backgrounds, and should not be held accountable to OUR notions?

Is it a sin for someone to drink a glass of wine when they have never been taught not to? Is it our job to make sure they feel uncomfortable doing so, just because we don't agree? (If you have a lasting relationship with such a person, say they're in your family, they should know your feelings on the subject, after all, if they care about you, they don't want to make YOU uncomfortable. A relationship is a two-way street)

We are supposed to view people as who they are, not the choices they make.

So is the author of the blog above wrong for thinking Mitt Romney would make a poor president, merely because he is Mormon? YES.

So is it ALSO wrong for Latter-Day Saints to vote FOR Romney, merely because he is Mormon? YES.

I haven't decided who I will be voting for in upcoming elections. As a political Moderate, it is rather difficult to back one candidate over all others.

So what's my point? Please remember:

1. Be an example of understanding and a promoter of diversity in your speech, actions, and attitudes.

2. Don't judge a book, friend, or candidate by it's cover. Get to know each as an individual. Find out what they stand for, and allow them the privilige to be who they are.

Isn't that what you would want?

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

2007-08-21T23:51:00.000-07:00

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

I've been thinking recently about why it is that I am a happy and confident person. I look around me, and see so many others who do not like themselves. As a teenager, this always confused and saddened me. What makes me different; what makes me special? I feel like I've always been this way....Is it personality? Is it a spiritual gift?

I was raised in a home where I was loved, appreciated, and encouraged toward individuality; I was happy because I didn't have reason to be unhappy. I never felt pressure to conform to the views and expectations of others, but this is not enough. What is the essence of that which has carried me beyond adolescence and into an adulthood fraught with pain, stress, and (occasionally) even sorrow?

My earliest awareness of this "thing" inside of me, this confidence, occurred when I was ten or eleven. I was in Primary and a scripture was read. I liked it. It stayed with me so I looked it up when I got home that day (an unusual occurrence) and read the following:
"For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life."
In that moment, I knew some things. I knew that God not only existed, but also loved me. I knew that He knew me, as an individual, and that He had a plan for me.

That moment marked a gathering of all that my parents had engineered for me. The peace, happiness, and spontaneity of my childhood stood as a support for the truths that I had learned.

I was important, special even. I was unique. I was me. God made me that way, and He needed me that way.

This moment, along with joys, successes, trials overcome, and the companionship of the spirit in my life have formed this “thing” inside of me. I realize now that it is a testimony.

I have a testimony of myself. I know that I am true. I know that I am good….and right. I know that I am the way that I am, in the place and with the people that I am, for a purpose….for a reason. My Heavenly Father wants, and needs me to be myself.

By embracing this knowledge, I have embraced myself, not physically, but my body and spirit, my whole soul. I love myself.

Now, while there is no doubt that I believe myself to be special, important even, I know that the same can, and should, be said about you, each of you. It frightens me to think that someone may read this, and not understand that this also applies to them. I have a testimony of myself, and it has helped me to have a testimony of you.

Usually “Self-Esteem Lessons” are reserved for teenagers, but you do not gain this testimony automatically. You don’t get it by growing up, graduating, getting married, or moving out. In fact, how much more difficult will it be when you have a spouse or children to take care of?

Please, please, PLEASE. If you feel shaky in your testimony of yourself, do not let another day go by without pleading with Heavenly Father to help you gain one. I don’t know how long it will take, a day, a week, or a year, but make a goal to do it, to know yourself, and to love yourself.

We all have reasons that hold us back. This is a scary thing. Once you know who you are, you will see all that you can accomplish, and then you will be responsible to live up to that version of yourself. I’ve been there, reluctant to begin that journey. But, as I heard Elder Groberg say on Sunday, “Hypocrisy is pretending to be something you’re not, but it is also pretending you cannot become what you really can.” Don’t be a hypocrite! Jump into that never-ending pattern of self-rediscovery that will force you to grow and grow. Don’t listen to fear, it comes from Satan. He wants you to focus on how hard and scary it is, but he never mentions the rewards. Don’t forget that it is worth it! When you are doing what’s right, growing and learning, you feel amazing! You feel happy, and best of all you have the spirit with you. That simple peace is the best feeling in the world.

Beyond this, like Enos, once you have gained a testimony of yourself, you will grow to consider your family, friends, and people. Then, your concern will move to your enemies. Can you imagine having a testimony of an enemy? That they are the way they are, and that that’s a GOOD thing? I don’t believe we can have that kind of empathy without having a very strong testimony of ourselves (along with a huge dose of Humility and Charity, the pure love Christ).

This brings me to the idea that brought me to write this tirade. It is popular to blame others (the media, the public school system, and of course MEN) for our own lack of confidence. While we ARE affected by our environments, in the end WE must take responsibility for ourselves and not rely on what others do, or do not, say.

While I believe that it is wrong to objectify women (or anyone), I think it is also wrong to blame men and society for the way we feel about ourselves. It is up to us to "stick it to the man." We (men and women) must work for a change, but we (women) must FIRST take responsibility for our own feelings. Eleanor Roosevelt (one of my favorite historical figures) said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I truly believe this.

It is difficult to let the world wash off your back, sometimes we feel less like rubber and more like glue, but a testimony of ourselves is the most effective tool against such days.

This last year has been the most difficult of my life. I’ve had health problems, occasional hormonal depression, and my first broken heart. Looking forward, I see few dating or job prospects, no real security. There are times when I am overwhelmed, times when I’m unhappy. I sink, but I NEVER drown. There is still that “thing,” that testimony that won’t let me give up, that keeps me fighting for myself. I get discouraged, but I know I am worth it.

*For God….John 3:16: http://scriptures.lds.org/en/john/3

*Enos: http://scriptures.lds.org/en/enos/1

*Charity: Moroni 7:47: http://scriptures.lds.org/en/moro/7

Poem: Ready for More

2007-08-21T23:50:00.000-07:00

Ready for More

I looked around at all the games

The shallow minds and youthful glances

They boggled my mind with their crazy choices

It didn't make any sense at all

And I said, I think I'm ready…

I am ready

For something better

Something bigger than this

I looked around at all the boys

A few actually worth a second look

This cheered me up and threw me down

And made me feel like a normal kid

And I thought, maybe I'm ready…

I am ready

For something better

Something bigger like this

I looked around at my old friend

I saw him with new eyes that day

He taught me joy that couldn't last

It somehow is better that way

I guess I wasn't ready…

I am ready

For something better

Something bigger than me

I looked around and saw my mom

I couldn't tell her what was in my heart

I wondered how, I could out grow

The woman who created me

So I think I must be ready…

Ready

I am ready

For something better

Something bigger than that

Waste no more time

Being comfortable

I am ready

Ready for more…

I am ready

I hope I'm ready…

My Dreams

2007-08-21T23:49:00.000-07:00

A friend asked me today what my dreams were....she really made me think, so I'll post some of my rambly ponderings.

My dreams? I have many. I have a teaching credential and I love working with children, but it's hard to know what I will do for them. I get so drained by a whole class, but I am energized by working one-on-one or in small groups. Maybe that's because I want my own children so badly, but it's also my personality. I go a little nuts from all the bustle of a classroom, and I have to constantly battle between the desire to allow my students more freedom (stick it to the man!) and the desire to keep the classroom orderly and quiet (mass hysteria, anyone?).

I'm very excited, because yesterday I saw a listing for a teaching position that is for a Teacher in a program that works with children who are English Language Learners. I love the idea of working with a few kids each hour, children that really need extra help. I don't know if that's what I will continue doing, but I know I'll find my niche.

I also dream about my own children. I have a tendency to live in the future, and it's hard to teach other people's children without thinking about how you will raise your own.

Have you ever shared one of your favorite foods or books with a child and then watched them grow to love it, too? That's what teaching really is about, helping children to discover what they've been missing in the world around them, and helping them to value the unseen, unthought, and untried.

I guess that's why I love talking so much! Cause I get to share and discover with another person. If you've ever had a three hour conversation with me, you know what I mean.

The more I care about a person, the more I love these times, so it's no wonder I get impatient for my own family.

I also dream about improving my talents. I want to experience things, sing more, act more, write more, push beyond my abilities. In some ways I feel untapped.

That's why I'm so excited for this play! It's a little cheesy, because it's for families, but it's meaningfully simple. My character, Barbara, represents each member of the audience. She starts in Heaven, comes to earth, lives her life, and then goes home. She struggles, like I have been lately, with a sense of not being enough, not getting to the point, not finding her purpose and achieving her goals. There are so many distractions.... If you don't want to wait for August, you can watch this video on YouTube. Just be warned that the costume I will wear is VERY different from this girl's:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=YGj5FqBpF1k

Thanks for letting me ramble on like this, it is good to take your dreams out and really look at them once in a while, to make sure you're doing right by them.

Have you ever seen Lady in the Water? It's a wonderful movie about dreams and how important they are. It's pretty metaphorical, so if that's not your cup of tea, you might find it lacking, but I love it. It made me realize that we have a responsibility to PROTECT and NOURISH our dreams.

Think about that, and let me know....

What are your dreams?

Poem: Viscosity

2007-08-21T23:47:00.000-07:00

Viscosity

Rising near the surface
Volcanic activity
Soul spilling forth

Out of control
Or truly honest?

Pyroclastic techniques
Brutal, but free
Till I slowly let it build again